Ask a Sex Therapist: How Do I Tell My Partner I Fantasize About My Kink During Sex?
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Allure believes in everyone's right to a healthy, safe, and joyful sex life, including access to info that helps them have one. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a new biweekly column wherein sex therapist Vanessa Marin answers your questions about sexuality. This week, she advises two readers wondering how to involve their partners in their fantasies.
Even though they're a huge part of sexuality, so many people feel ashamed of or conflicted about their fantasies, the mental images or narratives that turn them on. That's too bad: When we take ownership of our fantasies and consider how they make us feel, they can be a wonderful way of exploring ourselves, not to mention connecting with our partners. You don't need to have the exact same sexual interests as the readers below to get inspiration from them — read on for my insight into how to change your relationship with your fantasies.
QUESTION: I watch a lot of "public humiliation" porn and often fantasize about having sex in public. I also have a partner who knows about my interest, but not the full extent of it. To get off from sex with him, I usually have to imagine myself in these humiliating public scenarios. Do I need to tell him just how much I'm thinking about this stuff if I'm satisfied with our sex life as it is? And should I be worried about how much I'm fantasizing? —In My Head, 27
VANESSA: I know how easy it is to get judgmental about our own fantasies, so whenever I talk about them, I always like to start by saying that fantasies are perfectly normal and healthy. Fantasies can be a fun way to explore, to create variety, to add stimulation, to challenge ourselves, and to play.
It's also important to recognize that many people like keeping their fantasies as fantasy. Just because you get off to something in your mind doesn't mean you want to or have to get off to it in your real life. It's perfectly normal for you to fantasize about being ravished on the sidewalk but not even want to kiss your partner in public IRL.
It's important to recognize that many people like keeping their fantasies as fantasy.
To answer your first question, no, you don't need to tell your partner about your fantasy life. It sounds like you enjoy your sex life and don't want anything to change, so it's not like you're fantasizing about things you're afraid to ask your partner for. Fantasies can be a super fun thing to share, but you don't need to give them all the details if you don't want to.
That being said, I would ask yourself why you feel hesitant to share your fantasies with your partner. Is it because you're ashamed of them? Because you worry about his reaction to them? Because you're afraid of how reliant you are on them? Trying to feel into your resistance to sharing can bring up some useful information.
As I said above, fantasies are perfectly healthy and normal. At the same time, I do think it's important to be aware of creating patterns in our sex lives. If you do the same thing every single time you're sexual, whether that's a masturbation technique, using a sex toy, or thinking about a fantasy, you may start relying on that to get off. If you're cool with that, keep doing your favorite things; after all, they're your favorites for a reason. If you want more variety in your sex life, then try to mix things up at least half of the time. It may not feel as exciting or pleasurable initially, but with time, you will adjust.
QUESTION: My S.O. and I have complementing kinkiness: She likes to play the submissive role and I'm into being a dom. When we started discovering this, we played with these roles a lot, but our sex has gradually skewed closer to vanilla. I know she would like to do more Dominant/submissive (D/s) play and I would too, but I find it hard to start because I feel awkward asking, "May I dominate you?" How can I initiate more smoothly? —Bashful in Brooklyn, 29
It sounds your sex life has slid into a bit of a rut, like so many other couples in long-term relationships. (No, being kinky doesn't prevent you from getting into a rut.) You guys aren't making as much of an effort with each other, and are defaulting to "easier" sexual activities.
Being kinky doesn't prevent you from getting into a rut.
I suggest that the two of you sit down and have a conversation about what you both want from your sex life. Do you want to play with D/s dynamics every time? What specific activities do you miss doing together? Are there any D/s horizons you have yet to explore?
Since you're with an established partner that you trust, you can also talk about changing up your consent dynamics. She might not need you to get her explicit consent before acting dominant. For example, maybe your partner says she would feel comfortable with you always initiating in a dominant way, as long as you have an established safe word she can always fall back on.
You can also ask your partner, "What are your top three favorite ways for me to initiate sex?" This gives you some specific ideas to play around with and gives you the confidence of knowing she'll likely respond well. Try asking her for a sexier version of "May I dominate you?" Maybe she'd love to hear you say instead, "Go into the bedroom and take off your clothes."
Here's another idea: write down every D/s scenario you'd like to play with together. Tear the list into individual strips, and toss them into a bowl. Pick something new to try with each other with whatever frequency feels right to you, like once a week or once a month. Schedule specific dates. Planning it out in this way will take away some of the pressure for you to always initiate, and will help you bring way more excitement back into the bedroom.
Got a sex question for Vanessa? Email it to letters@allure.com along with your age and it may be featured in an upcoming column. Submitting your question indicates that you consent to its use by Allure, and questions may be edited for brevity and clarity. All question askers will remain anonymous on the site.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
