Elise commentary: To sleep, perchance to … well, sleep
Is anyone else out there getting tired of “experts” telling us how long we have to sleep every night? Good grief, they act like we will revive 18th century Scottish flux or spread lock jaw to the community if we don’t get 8 hours every night.
We’ve been told every which way why we need that much time, both to feel good and to maintain excellent health. How many websites have to admonish us for not sleeping enough? I’m afraid even to type the word “sleep” in my browser at this point.
The professionals claim that sleep is one of the pillars of health. They remind us that sleep makes up one-third of our lives and impacts all of our body systems: cardiovascular, endocrine, lymphatic, respiratory, urinary, ad nauseum. And – oh no! – it also affects metabolism and is closely linked to weight gain and weight loss. (Both? How?)
Are you afraid yet? I would think the above list would be frightening enough to keep us from even nodding off, let alone sleeping. Stop the madness!
Below are some so-called tips from the Southern Medical Association and, specifically, from a medical journalist (who knew THAT was a career?), by a woman I’ll call “Jane Doe” for purposes of this essay.
Stick to a regular bedtime, and try not to sleep-in late on non-working days. Spending some time outside every day also helps regulate the body clock, as well as benefits the lungs. (Outside even when it’s minus 5 degrees? Or, like yesterday, when the wind was howling at 60 mph with dirt and dust blowing around to the point that we’re blind?)
Regular exercise makes falling asleep and staying asleep easier, in addition to the benefits described above. But be careful not to exercise too close to bedtime. (OK, which is it: exercise or don’t? Surely, this is a mixed message. Can I choose?
Don't have drinks with caffeine or use other stimulants after about 6:00 PM. Caffeine is found in coffee, tea, cocoa, cola and chocolate. (Hey, I drink decaf coffee at noon and still can’t sleep. This makes me wonder if there is such a thing as “decaf” anything.)
If you smoke, try to cut down. (Well, duh. Smoking isn’t good for anybody.)
Eat a light dinner no later than two hours before going to bed. Any later, your stomach will be too busy digesting to allow you to sleep well. Good bedtime drinks are warm milk and chamomile tea. (Hey, Jane, have you ever heard of WBS -- Wee Bladder Syndrome? OK, I just made that up, but no way can I drink warm milk or any kind of tea in the evening Not to mention that chamomile tea tastes like feet.)
Do not drink alcohol near bedtime. (Another “duh,” I believe.)
Do something to relax before going to bed. Have a warm bath, listen to some quiet music, or do a relaxation exercise. (Does watching “Outlander” re-runs 6 times count as relaxing? Sure, the show is filled with every kind of graphic violence you can imagine but, in my mind, NOTHING outweighs watching hunky Sam Heughan as Jaime Fraser every single night. Sweet dreams to me, Jaime. Why can’t I be 40 years younger and live in Scotland? Oh, and not be married?)
Deal with worries and distractions several hours before going to bed. Write them down, or make a list of things to do, so you won’t think about them all night. Don't use the bedroom for chores like paying bills or discussing the day's problems. (I actually follow this rule. Well, partly: I make the to-do list.)
Keep the bedroom quiet, dark, and warm. Sleep on a good quality mattress, and wear soft and cozy nightwear. (What if, like me, you live right by the train tracks where there is banging, clanging and hornblowing all night long? Regarding the “warm” room, I believe that contradicts conventional wisdom of keeping the bedroom at around 65 degrees for best sleep. Warm? Cool? Which is it? Stop trying to confuse us!)
Leave the bedroom if you are unable to sleep. After about 15 to 20 minutes, get up and engage in a quiet activity, such as reading. Do not panic about not sleeping. (This one is hilarious. If you need to sleep, the last thing you want to do is become engrossed in an interesting book. Talk about panicking!)
Herbal remedies that may aid sleep include Valerian, Passiflora and Kava Kava. A few drops of lavender oil in the bath can work well. (None of these helps. Neither does Melatonin. Thanks for giving the supplement industry a boost, though, Jane. By the way, lavender oil is a very bad aromatic in “Outlander,” Seasons 1 and 2. Trust me.)
On a hot night, open windows and doors to create a draft. Remove the duvet and blankets, and wear light cotton nightwear. Have a cool shower or bath before going to bed, and keep a glass of cold water nearby. (I am laughing at this one too. Think of the various insects that would visit nightly, even with screens on windows and doors. Also, the cold water by the bed will just stimulate bladder action (see WBS above), as we keep telling you. I’ll make sure my pajamas are pure cotton, though. I’m too old for silk nighties anyway.
On a cold night, keep the bedroom warm but not too hot, and block any drafts. Use a fleecy under-blanket or use several layers of bedding. Have a warm bath and a warm drink just before bed. (Yet again, we are told to drink something right before bed. What are we: camels? See urinary problems listed everywhere.)
Finally, hot water bottles and electric blankets can make all the difference. (Hot water bottles have been around since ancient civilizations, so why don’t they work in the 21st century? And what do these things do, other than make you too hot to sleep and possibly catch on fire? J’accuse!)
Below are the top 15 reasons I cannot sleep:
Need to pee
Too many blankets
Not enough blankets
Muscle aches
Mysterious left eye pain
Need to pee
Sore throat
Too much caffeine
Took a nap in the afternoon
Need to pee
Thinking of a deadline or project
Stayed up too late to read
Itching (but why?)
Need to pee and, finally
No reason whatsoever, just can’t do it
Jane, you did not address numbers 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14 or 15. That is more than half of the reasons to be afraid to go to bed.
I think the better question would be: how do I function on so little sleep? I’ll answer that query when I am less tired and can focus on anything other than how to get rid of the 15 reasons.
I recently learned that St. Joseph, who was held in his last hours by Jesus himself, is the perfect intercessor for falling asleep.
Forget the warm milk, duvets (not to mention learning the difference between a “duvet” and a “comforter”) and relaxation exercises for now.
Let’s see what Joseph can do for us first.
Sweet dreams, everyone!
This article originally appeared on Amarillo Globe-News: Elise commentary: To sleep, perchance to … well, sleep
