What Is Eggshell Parenting?
Why you may want to avoid this parenting style.
A psychiatrist on TikTok is calling attention to a type of parenting style known as “eggshell parenting.” The psychiatrist, who goes by @drkimsage, on TikTok posted a video explaining the style in May.
“At the heart of emotionally unsafe parenting is real emotional endangerment…it’s a way of putting a child in a position where they have to always be hypervigilant to what may or may not happen next,” Dr. Sage told followers. “Even if you are loving and safe and wonderful, if it follows that you can be unsafe, at the core, you are not safe.”
PeopleImages / Getty Images
TikTok isn’t always the best place to get advice and information, but mental health professionals agree it’s a good idea to be aware of the term, the signs, and the risks of “eggshell parenting.”
“It is important to discuss eggshell parenting, aside from its growing popularity on TikTok, because many parents don’t realize they are parenting this way,” says Zishan Khan, M.D., a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist with Mindpath Health. “From my professional experience, no one chooses to parent this way—it’s just how they are.”
Dr. Khan and a pair of other mental healthcare providers delved deeper into eggshell parenting and how to break the cycle if you were raised by one (or currently are unknowingly using the style).
Related: What Is an ‘Almond Mom?’ and How to Not Be One
What Does It Mean To Be an Eggshell Parent?
Anna Hindell, LCSW-R, CIYT, a psychotherapist and yoga teacher, says the term was popularized by Dr. Sage and is derived from the phrase “walking on eggshells.”
“When a parent has unstable moods, outbursts, and inconsistent behaviors which cause their children to walk on eggshells around them, they are displaying eggshell parenting,” Hindell explains.
"When a parent has unstable moods, outbursts, and inconsistent behaviors which cause their children to walk on eggshells around them, they are displaying eggshell parenting."
Anna Hindell, LCSW-R, CIYT
Dr. Khan says that the basis of eggshell parenting is unpredictability. “When a parent is prone to going from 0 to 60 in a moment’s notice, or worse—appears to be triggered by things that are not at all obvious to the child—it is easy to understand why there may be a negative impact on a child that is continuously exposed to this,” Dr. Khan says. "It is common for eggshell parents to switch moods rapidly.”
The most extreme cases of eggshell parenting involve severe psychological abuse that can trigger a role reversal between the parent and child. “The child feels responsible for their parent’s care and feels guilty when things don’t go their parent’s way,” Dr. Khan says.
As for why or how someone becomes an eggshell parent, Hindell agrees with Dr. Khan—it isn't typically isn’t a conscious choice.
“[The behavior] is likely the parent's best attempt to regulate themselves,” Hindell says. “An eggshell parent likely had their own unstable upbringing and never learned how to soothe themselves from uncomfortable feelings. If parents don't work through their own past issues causing present instability, their reactivity will affect their children and those around them.”
Examples of Eggshell Parenting
Say a child comes home with a test score. The parent congratulates them. After dinner, the parent berates the child for not getting a better grade.
“This unpredictable behavior is confusing, sends mixed messages, and doesn't provide the child with consistent mirroring, the behavior and affect that a child needs from the caregiver to feel safe, secure, and understood,” Hindell says.
Threats can also play into eggshell parenting.
“One client told me that her mother threatened to kick her out of the house as a teenager if she got her hair cut short,” says Shari Botwin, LCSW and author of Thriving After Trauma.
Related: How Divorce Affects Children, Age By Age
Eggshell Parenting vs. Occasional Parental Rage
It’s oversimplifying, but the rise of “gentle parenting” has seen parents trying to avoid common discipline methods like timeouts and yelling. Instead, they seek to arm their children with ways to identify and cope with emotions. Still, no parent is perfect and may snap and yell at a child. Mental healthcare providers are clear: These occasional outbursts are not eggshell parenting.
“All of us lose it at times,” Botwin says. “An eggshell parent is unpredictable and will yell or lash out more often. The other difference is that an eggshell parent usually does not take responsibility for their actions. However, parents who do not have this type of pathology will usually sit down and talk about what happened, and in most cases apologize.”
Botwin counts herself among those who have snapped from time to time—so know you’re not alone. “In the past, when I have lost it, I have said to my little guy, ‘You did not cause me to yell at you. Mama did not handle that well, and I am sorry I yelled at you,’” Botwin says.
The Risks of Eggshell Parenting
Hindell says eggshell parenting can lead to long-term difficulties for children, including:
Unstable moods
“Children who grow up with eggshell parents live in a state of chronic and persistent unpredictability from their primary caregivers,” Hindell says. “Children feel the instability of their environment and tend to blame themselves for the instability, versus understanding that they have an unstable parent.”
Related: How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood
How to Break the Cycle of Eggshell Parenting
Whether an eggshell parent raised you, if you fear you are one, or both, Dr. Khan says there’s hope and healing.
“Is one doomed if they realize they are eggshell parents or discover their mother or father raised them in such a way? Not at all,” Dr. Khan says. “The best thing they can do is try and break the cycle by improving how they respond to stressful situations.”
He shared tips for how to do that.
Self-awareness
The most important advice Dr. Khan can give parents is to become aware of eggshell parenting. "This involves recognizing examples of eggshell parenting,” he says.
Dr. Khan suggests asking yourself:
Do people sometimes find it challenging to interact with you because of your frequent unpredictable mood swings?
When something happens, even relatively minor, do people worry about how you will respond?
“These are significant signs that you have characteristics of an eggshell parent and need to work on improving this when raising a child,” Dr. Khan says.
Consider repairing conflicts
Resolving lingering conflicts with eggshell caregivers can be healing.
“One way of doing this is by being open and vulnerable with the parent, understanding there is a chance they will continue their gaslighting and narcissistic behavior,” Dr. Khan says. “Listen to what they have to say in response and try not to shame or make them feel guilty, as this can hamper your efforts at avoiding the common characteristics of eggshell parents.”
Dr. Khan understands these conversations can be tricky, and boundaries and managing expectations are essential to protecting yourself.
“You can’t assume you’ll be able to teach an old dog new tricks. Remember that you aren’t their therapist and are not responsible for ensuring they can heal and move forward, which may be your natural inclination since eggshell parents raised you,” Dr. Khan says.
Seek professional help
You don’t have to go it alone. Dr. Khan says a mental health professional can help you heal from childhood wounds and avoid adapting eggshell parenting with your child (or find ways to regulate so you can stop using the style). Dr. Khan explains that some tactics a therapist may use include:
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you reframe thoughts and experiences.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy helps discern what triggers emotional instability.
Interpersonal therapy to improve interactions with others, including loved ones.
A psychiatrist can also prescribe medication if needed. The ultimate goal is to help you manage your well-being so you can fill your children’s cups, too. “All this will translate to your family feeling more safe and secure with you and the environment at home,” Dr. Khan says.
For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!
Read the original article on Parents.
