Echoes of the valley: A Berean's path to breaking generational curses

May 22—Bobi Conn approached her mother with caution following the publication of her 2020 memoir, "In the Shadow of the Valley".

The memoir detailed Conn's perspective on her "painful" upbringing in Appalachia, detailing both boundless beauty in the hills she found herself in and horror at the violence her family experienced due to her abusive, addicted father.

Conn was afraid she would be seen as a traitor for airing the family's dirty laundry, so it's no surprise she waited until two days before the book's release to tell her.

However, Conn was surprised by her mother's compassionate response.

"She asked if there was anything bad in the book about her or anything she did wrong," recalled Conn. " She said, 'I know, I didn't take care of you or protect you all like I should have,' and that really surprised me."

It was this response that led Conn down a rabbit hole of family history and introspection. What she found was complicated, messy, and freeing.

Then, she published it.

A blueprint of how to love

Opening up to her mother about her memoir led to conversations that Conn never thought she'd have with her mother. She learned about her decision-making processes and gave context to her own life.

"I had illuminating conversations with my mother about her young life and her perspective on our family's traumatic experiences, including the abuse we all suffered at the hands of my father," Conn explained. "My mother voiced a desire to tell her story, and I realized that in most narratives about dysfunctional childhoods, we don't fully understand the parents who create the dysfunctional home."

The result is "Someplace Like Home," a tale that revolves around Jenny Caudill, a character imbued with Conn's memories of her mother and unearthed details gathered from conversations with family members.

Through Jenny's eyes, readers are invited to Eastern Kentucky to traverse the rugged terrain of Appalachian life.

Through Jenny's narrative, the author delves into the intricate dynamics of power, control, and vulnerability and its impact on a young woman who is already navigating typical emotions of confusion and isolation.

"One of my goals with Jenny's character was to show people from a first-person point of view how, if your perspective is really limited, it's really hard for us to see ourselves clearly and to see relationships objectively," said Conn.

This means, according to Conn, that readers are meant to empathize with survivors of domestic abuse, like the main character in the same way that she was able to drop her own long-held resentments toward her mother.

"I now realize she wasn't just choosing abuse blindly," Conn explained. "It was there's like this insidious impact, like a waterfall effect, of things that happened, and it changes your ability to think clearly. So I think that we need to look at people in abusive relationships, or in other dysfunctional situations, and instead of saying, 'Well, they have chosen this,' ask what led them to this."

She also acknowledged that her mother's geographic location, Eastern Kentucky, also played a factor in her ongoing abuse.

"A woman in rural America who wants to flee abuse or poverty must navigate an exhausting series of obstacles: Where will she go? How will she get there? Who will take care of the children while she upheaves their lives? Who will help her, and who might put her in more danger? The mental labor it takes to find one's way out would be daunting to anyone and nearly impossible for a person suffering from the myriad impacts of trauma," Conn said.

This increased empathy and understanding also applies to her mother's parenting choices and the progression of generational issues within her family.

Conn, who was an unexpected young mother herself, says that she has had her own share of parenting blunders and mishaps, though she knows she acts with love.

"When I was pregnant with my son, I decided to commit myself to him. For me, I never wanted to be a parent. and so, I didn't feel equipped to love a kid the way I thought they should be loved... I thought, 'I may not have a blueprint for how to love a child, but I am going to figure it out.'"

The inspection of her mother's story has empowered her to make mindful choices with her own children and to unflinchingly respect the journeys of those who came before her.

One such time was when Conn had forced her daughter to take cough medicine even though the child insisted it would make her vomit.

"She kept pushing back. I didn't listen to her. I made her take it. She threw up," Conn recalled. "I felt like the automatic thing for me to say was, 'Look what you've done.'"

However, Conn held her tongue, realizing that she was reliving one of her own formative memories where her mother forced her to take cough syrup and got sick afterward.

"I realized, after I took a minute to think about it, that this is another instance where my default mode would be to keep carrying on those patterns and to respond with the same line that's been in my head for 35 years, and to repeat it and make it part of my daughter's inner dialogue. Then she might go and do the same thing to her children," explained Conn.

"So because I've been thinking about all this stuff so carefully, and consciously, I was able to resist. It's not logical to get angry over a kid getting sick. It wasn't willful, it was just like me."

This chain of events echoes the deep sense of resilience and community and is arguably Conn's Appalachian legacy.

This is why, from the unspoken strength of family matriarchs to the timeless beauty of the landscape, Appalachia is not merely a backdrop for Conn's book. It's a way of life, and Conn could not imagine how her life would have turned out elsewhere.

"I think if I had my same life, but in, say, an inner city, I have no idea how I could have found the beauty and hope and sources of inspiration that made me feel like there's good in the world, even if I couldn't find it in my life at that time," she commented.

And to Appalachia, Conn feels grateful.

While the Morehead native came to Berea over 25 years ago, she still carries the heart of the mountains with her everywhere she goes.

"I'm not just a daughter of an abusive man or the daughter of a drug addict," she said. "I'm also the daughter of this region, a person of this life, and I really feel like it's a godsend. I'm just so grateful for the wild place that I grew up in."

In the end, "Someplace Like Home" is more than just a novel—it is a reminder that while our past may shape us, it does not define us, and the power to rewrite our own narrative lies within each of us, waiting to be unleashed.

Copies are available from the Taleless Dog Booksellers in Berea, where fans will also be able to attend Conn's book launch party on June 15 at 6 p.m, which takes place the same day as Berea's L & N Day and the Summer Solstice Craft Festival.

There will be a book reading where Conn will be signing books. Meanwhile patrons can sip on a handcrafted drink, crafted by the talented bar staff at Native Bagel, while they are treated to live music from Carla Glover.