What Is a Dusty Son? The Meaning Behind the Viral TikTok Term

A mom's video series has popularized the term and opened a meaningful discussion about how we raise boys.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

There's a new parenting term sweeping TikTok (because there are never enough): Dusty sons.

The woman behind it, teacher and mother Payal Desai popularized the term in a TikTok video series called "No Dusty Sons." The 22-video series includes Desai, who posts under @payalforstyle, teaching her son about consent, skincare, cleaning, and manners, conceivably in an attempt to raise a good human who rejects toxic masculinity. Text overlays read, "Teaching my son that no means no so he will be the kind of person to make your child feel safe."

"This is one of the most important lessons anyone can learn—respecting others' boundaries—so many people just don't," one commenter wrote on Desai's video about consent.

The response to Desai's videos has been generally positive. But another mom, Dancing with the Stars' pro Peta Murgatroyd, stirred up controversy with a video about teaching her son to cook lasagna. In the since-deleted video (that lives on through responses), Murgatroyd used a text overlay that, on the surface, serves up a similar vibe to Desai's, "Making sure my son can cook so he's not impressed by your daughter's Stouffer's lasagna."

Hey, it's great she's teaching her son to cook—something long considered women's work. However, TikTok panned the overlay that pokes fun at frozen lasagna, saying it actually fed into gender roles.

"Teaching my son to cook so he can be a partner in his marriage," responded a commenter.

"I'm teaching my son to cook, so your daughter isn't the only one responsible for making the family meals," said another.

While the reactions were different, Desai and Mergatroyd have opened up meaningful discussions on gender roles and how we raise our children.

What is a Dusty Son?

The term "dusty son" is at the heart of Desai's videos. While there's no formal definition (maybe Merriam-Webster can get on that), it essentially is another word for toxic masculinity mixed with laziness. After all, no one likes to be called dirty.

In terms of these TikTok videos, dusty sons don't put the toilet seat down (rude, but not life-changing) and certainly don't dust. They rely on women to pack bags for day trips, making the mental load heavier. Perhaps worst of all, they don't adhere to consent, a massive problem with life-altering impacts on an intimate partner's physical and mental health.

The Importance of Raising Respectful Sons

I'm a mother of two boys, though I typically avoid the whole #boymom hashtag and labels in general. There are too many, and it gets too confusing—something I spoke about with Olympic champion and soon-to-be-mom-of-three Shawn Johnson earlier this year.

However, this discussion about how we raise our sons is an important one. As for Murgatroyd, the text overlay wasn't a good look, but the effort to get her son involved in household tasks is. Desai's content brings value to a platform that can be somewhat toxic.

I'm part of the Millennial generation, and we were consistently told we could "do everything" except wear high-waisted jeans with a regular body size. We grew up in an era of dress codes as if a mini-skirt was to blame for the catcalls in high school hallways. And the idea we could "do everything" also seems to mean literally do everything—work like we don't have kids, parent like we don't have to work, and find time to cook, clean, and lug around the mental load in between.

I want women to have it better than I have. Instead of relying on parents with girls to teach their daughters to be strong and resilient, I'm teaching my sons to be soft and kind (and also resilient so their fragile egos don't get bruised if a woman makes a fair point in a meeting).

It is worth mentioning that I have no idea who my children will choose as a life partner (if anyone). Desai actually addressed the "heteronormative" tone in her posts in which she uses words like "daughter" instead of "partner," indicating she assumes her sons will couple up with women.

But regardless of my sons' sexuality, they will interact with women, and I want them to be kind and inclusive and carry their weight. This means my 3-year-old son helps his father stir dinner and clean up toys every night. We all read books and talk through emotions (something we've for too long acted as if boys don't have). My sons are told it's OK to cry, and both are learning that you can't use your body to hurt another person—that you have to stop when someone says "stop," "no," or any variation of the two.

The weight is not on girl moms or the next generation of women to lean into changing toxic masculinity. It's on all of us as adults, and it starts with how we treat one another and raise our kids.

Also, I'll gladly eat Stouffer's and thank whoever made it for me—regardless of their sex or gender.

Related: What Is an ‘Almond Mom?’ and How to Not Be One

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