Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Carolyn Kylstra
·6 min read

Hi. I’m Carolyn. I’m the editor in chief of SELF and the host of our wellness advice podcast, Checking In. In this week’s episode, we’re talking about what it means to have a drinking problem, and what it might look like to change your relationship with alcohol.

Today’s question comes from Elise, who is taking a 90-day hiatus from drinking after realizing that her relationship with alcohol isn’t always healthy. But she wants to know what she should do after her 90 days are up. Elise is curious if complete sobriety is the only path forward for her, or if there are other options. She asks: “For someone like me who has a genetic history of alcoholism, who has had a history of not being able to find the kill switch…is there a balance to find, or is it all or nothing?”

New episodes of Checking In come out every Monday. Listen to this week’s episode above, and get more episodes of Checking In on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Elise’s question probably resonates with anyone who may be examining their relationship with alcohol, especially as we set foot into the new year. Having a healthy relationship with drinking means different things to different people, and while there’s a popular view that recovery from alcohol and drug use disorder requires complete sobriety, the reality is a bit more nuanced.

To help Elise understand what some of her options might be, I turned to SELF editor Sarah Jacoby. Sarah is a health journalist who has reported extensively on substance use, as well as harm reduction and recovery.

First, Sarah and I talk about what it even means to have a drinking problem—and how it might not be what you think. “The idea of having to hit rock bottom before you deserve help is a really damaging concept,” Sarah says. Your life doesn’t need to be falling apart before you deserve help. If you’re feeling that you may want to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol, that’s good enough to start thinking about it seriously, regardless of how your life is going.

We also talk about different approaches to recovery from alcohol use disorder (or an otherwise unhealthy relationship with alcohol). Sarah says that there are definite benefits to sobriety, and to programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, especially given that AA is free and pretty much everywhere. But she also says that researchers are beginning to realize that quitting alcohol completely, for the rest of your life, isn’t necessarily the right approach for everyone. “We have a lot of other options now,” Sarah says. “Other people might do better with more of a moderation management type approach. Some people might be able to do that with the help of their therapist that they already see.” The bottom line is that it’s great that Elise is working on this issue with a mental health care professional—acknowledging that you have a problem with drinking and that you want to explore ways to change, with guidance, is a huge and important first step.

Whatever Elise decides, I also wanted to talk to someone who could share first-hand experience about what it’s like to embrace sobriety completely. Someone who could share what Elise might expect if she chooses that route. So in the second part of the episode, I speak with the incredible Glennon Doyle, best-selling author of three memoirs—most recently, Untamed. Glennon has written a lot about her recovery from alcohol addiction. For her, full sobriety was the right choice. But she warns that embarking upon sobriety is tough, and that anyone who’s considering it should know what to expect going in so they aren’t surprised or put off by it. “When I got sober, when I finally got sober, I expected all of my problems to be fixed,” Glennon says. “And instead, what happened is that I just remembered every single freaking second why it was that I started drinking in the first place.”

She tells me that in one of her first AA meetings, an older woman shared a perspective that changed Glennon’s life: “She put her hand on my leg. She said, Honey, I'm going to tell you something that someone told me in early sobriety and that is this: The secret to life is that being human is not about feeling happy. Being human is about feeling everything.” For Glennon, drinking was helping to numb out those feelings. Sobriety helped her to feel them all again. That can be overwhelming and scary at first, she says, but it’s been an absolute revelation for her and made a tremendous and positive difference in her life.

That value of self-confrontation now guides much of Glennon’s work. It also guides her advice for Elise. She suggests that Elise spend some time in the quiet, with her thoughts: “Turn off the books, turn off all the other experts who think they know what you're supposed to do with your life, and sit in the quiet and let the truth rise up.”

If you, like Elise, are thinking about changing your relationship with alcohol—for whatever reason—I hope that you find this episode helpful. 

Show Notes

You can follow Sarah Jacoby, SELF’s Associate News Director, on Instagram and Twitter, or read more of her work for SELF here.

Glennon Doyle is the best-selling author of multiple memoirs, including her most recent book, Untamed. You can follow her on Instagram @glennondoyle.

If you or someone you know are interested in learning more about sobriety or cutting back on alcohol, here are several excellent resources.

If you or someone you know is in a crisis situation, you can call the SAMHSA helpline 24/7/365 at 800-662-4357.

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What's The Difference Between Being an Alcoholic and Just Really, Really Liking to Drink?

Here's Why You Get 'Hangxiety' After a Night of Drinking

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11 Incredible Recovery and Sobriety Memoirs I Want Everyone to Read

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5 Myths We Need to Stop Believing About Alcohol Blackouts

Ask a Sober Person: Why Do I Judge People Who Still Drink?

Originally Appeared on SELF