Dr. Ronsisvalle: A relationship without emotional safety is one on shaky ground

The moment Stephanie and James walked into my clinical office for the first time, their polished presence immediately grabbed my attention.

They exuded an air of confidence and security, possessing everything most people desire: successful careers, a beautiful home, and a close circle of supportive friends.

However, beneath this façade of a perfect life, a colossal issue was silently unraveling the fabric of their relationship.

What cast a dark shadow over their seemingly idyllic marriage was the near absence of emotional safety.

Stephanie, a meticulous accountant craving order, and James, a charismatic marketing executive seeking humor and fun, were both deeply tied to their professional identities.

Their schedules were consumed by demanding work and parenting three children, leaving no roomfor personal connection.

Dr. Mike's previous columns:

Get your mind right: For better state of mind, exercise, eat right, break addictions, reduce stress

Stay calm: People can be rude during the holidays; don't return the sentiment

Straighten out: If you don't practice what you preach, take these steps to find alignment

Communication had become predictable — filled with small talk about tasks and kids.

Stephanie, always engrossed in financial spreadsheets, struggled to convey her stress.

James used humor as a way to deflect deeper issues, causing Stephanie to feel unheard and resulting in angry outbursts.

In response, James felt belittled and rejected, which often drove him further away, purposely avoiding meaningful conversations.

As they reminisced about the joy in their early years of marriage, you could hear a pin drop in my office when I asked them what they did to have fun together now.

Throughout our session, it became clear the demands of kids and high levels of responsibility at work had widened the relational gap between them.

In that first session, they both became visibly moved, their eyes welling up with tears, as they realized the emotional intimacy that once bound them together had been deeply eroded.

While they were great parents, accomplished professionals and committed friends, they were not close.

Over the years, the lack of time and energy dedicated to each other made James and Stephanie feel they couldn’t trust one another to be vulnerable and open anymore.

They had become emotional strangers, living in a relationship with very little emotional safety.

Stephanie and James committed to couples counseling and began the process to untangle the knots of miscommunication that had plagued their marriage.

Over six months of weekly sessions, they opened up about their fears, hopes, dreams and unmet needs.

The therapy provided a judgment-free space, equipping them with crucial skills to nurture vulnerability and create a sense of safety with one another.

With time, Stephanie and James mastered more open and honest communication, establishing clear boundaries around their relationship.

In their final session, they both described a revitalized connection, experiencing greater fulfillment and satisfaction in their marriage.

The story of James and Stephanie is not unusual.

In my two decades of guiding marital therapy sessions, I’ve worked with this kind of emotional breakdown all too often.

A lack of emotional safety and the resulting disconnection that follows have become almost epidemic in our culture.

Couples struggle to balance the demands of work, family and nurturing their marital well-being.

The silver lining is that a body of research has unveiled specific, practical tools to pave the way to emotional safety.

If you want to escape the grind of relationship strain and rediscover the connection and safety that saved James and Stephanie’s marriage, begin with these simple steps.

Fully understand emotional safety

Emotional safety is the bedrock of a relationship — the sense of security, comfort and trust that we feel when sharing our thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities.

It hinges on the belief that we can be authentic and open with our loved ones without fear of judgment or criticism.

Interestingly, research shows emotional safety is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship, whether personal or professional.

Embracing emotional safety in marital therapy not only improves marriages but also spreads positively into social and professional relationships as well.

One major misconception about emotional safety is that it demands unconditional agreement with another person’s perspective at all times. That’s simply not true.

The crucial aspect of an emotionally secure relationship is the ability to value and respect diverse opinions.

It’s easy to accept other people if they agree with you, and I would add that those relationships are not necessarily safe, but true safety emerges when you can express differing views respectfully and passionately, managing the emotions that arise.

Marital struggles often stem from an inability to accept diverse perspectives.

A quick look at social media reveals the lack of social grace in our culture at-large.

Genuine emotional safety involves respecting others and their opinions, building relationships with those who think and feel differently, and acknowledging our spouses are unique individuals with distinct ideas, skills and emotional wiring — the first real step toward emotional safety.

Foster curiosity at all costs

Many couples find themselves stuck in emotionally unsafe relationships because they can’t get past the idea of right and wrong.

Think about how often you have an emotional disconnect with someone because their perspective seems “inaccurate.”

Take Stephanie and James, for example — I spent hours guiding them through navigating their unique styles.

The key is honoring each other’s uniqueness and finding compromise.

In the clinical setting, the best strategy is to foster incredibly genuine curiosity about the other person’s thoughts.

With James and Stephanie, I encouraged questions and active listening, urging them to understand each other’s perspectives without judgment.

I pushed James to ask Stephanie genuine questions about how and why she processed information without judging whether her style was right or wrong.

I also urged Stephanie to actively listen to James and become incredibly curious about how he examines situations and makes decisions.

This ethic of curiosity cultivates deep empathy and understanding, replacing the need to define right or wrong with an appreciation for your spouse and their perspective on the world.

Pursue open communication and vulnerability

Once you begin to get curious about your partner, creating a newfound empathy, you’ll be amazed at the transformative shift in communication.

By setting aside the power struggle of right and wrong, an environment of honest and open communication unfolds. It’s simply human nature.

When expressing thoughts and feelings becomes comfortable without fear of judgment, it liberates us to reveal our authentic selves.

Witnessing Stephanie and James undergo this process in counseling was enlightening.

As James became curious about Stephanie‘s anxiety, she, in turn, opened up.

James actually had no idea how anxious Stephanie felt about not being in control of things like their finances andtheir schedule.

Through this he discovered a communication style that honored her emotional wiring.

Even though his breezy strategy for life was so very different, his empathy created a deep connection, causing Stephanie to feel as if he truly cared about her which freed her to listen to James without judgment.

The outcome?

More balanced decisions, not solely driven by Stephanie’s anxiety or overly influenced by James’ laid-back style.

The irony is clear: openly speaking the truth in love, fueled by curiosity, leads to well-balanced decisions.

You need your spouse's perspective, just as they need yours.

This teamwork in marriage is the key to fulfillment and satisfaction.

Fight fair

As we wrap up, it’s important to recognize that emotional safety does not mean avoiding disagreements with your spouse — it’s quite the opposite.

The more curious you are, and the more you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open with your spouse, the more chances arise to genuinely solve problems.

Conflict is unavoidable, even if you follow this article perfectly.

Two individuals, each with different perspectives and life experiences, will naturally approach problem-solving differently.

This is the reality of mature adulthood. During inevitable conflicts, ensure your spouse can express differing opinions without the fear of escalation or aggression.

In emotionally safe relationships, both can assertively speak their minds.

Be clear, direct, open and honest, but never compromise your spouse’s dignity and value.

Cultivating emotional safety requires an active effort from all parties involved, and a willingness to create an environment where individuals feel heard, understood and respected even in the midst of conflict.

Seek help early on

The pivotal moment for Stephanie and James was reaching out to LiveWell offices.

Without a doubt, seeking the guidance of a neutral counselor with the skills we’ve discussed was thegame-changer.

Asking for help is an act of strength, an essential element to steering your marriage back on track.

It’s never too late to claim emotional safety, unlocking the fulfillment and satisfaction we all long for and deserve.

For more information on connecting with our LiveWell marriage therapists, visit livewellbehavioralhealth.com.

Our team is dedicated to accompanying you on the journey to create the emotionally safe relationship you’ve always wanted.

Dr. Mike Ronsisvalle is a Licensed Psychologist and the President of LiveWell Behavioral Health, a psychological services agency that provides counseling to clients of all ages and addictions treatment to adolescents and adults. You can find him at www.LiveWellbehavioralhealth.com or call 321-259-1662.

This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Here's how to reach emotional safety for a better relationship