Dr. Becky wants people to know 'there's no such thing as a perfect parent'
Welcome to So Mini Ways, Yahoo Life's parenting series on the joys and challenges of childrearing.
Dr. Becky Kennedy's popularity exploded as she gently coached parents through the pandemic on her then-new Instagram account — which now boasts 2 million followers — that launched weeks before shelter-at-home orders were handed down. Holding parents’ hands through Zoom kindergarten and the subsequent return to real life has cemented her importance in the hearts of her audience, who hail from 110 countries around the world and affectionately refer to her as "Dr. Becky."
Last year the woman dubbed by Time as “the millennial parent whisperer" launched her book, Good Inside:A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be,. Now Kennedy is marking its first anniversary with a new TED Talk.
“I was so excited when TED contacted me and said, 'We don't have a ton of talks about parenting.’ And I think it kind of reflects that parenting hasn't been taken seriously [by the world],” Kennedy, who heads up the Good Inside subscription-based platform tells Yahoo Life. “I think it is the job we all think is the most important. Someone said this to me: ‘It's the only job you care about on your deathbed.’”
The focus of her new talk, and much of her work, is what she calls “the single most important parenting strategy.” What is it? Repair. “What I really want parents to know more than anything else is that there's no such thing as a perfect parent, and that it's actually not about the moment we mess up that impacts our kids.”
Repair, essentially, is apologizing to our kids when we make a mistake. It’s beyond a simple “sorry,” though. Repairing a situation with our kids, says Kennedy, means we are all learning from the missteps and strengthening our connection in the process. The opportunity to repair an interaction means there has been a rupture, of course. The blowup, the loss of temper, the tears — every parent has those moments. Even Dr. Becky. “I'm imperfect, I yell, I say words I don't want to say," she says. "And actually what our kids really need ... they don't need us to be perfect. They need us to connect with them after, so they actually have an understanding of what happens.”
One of the biggest areas of life that parents need to seek repair with their kids is over the topic of nagging and chores. Domestic labor is a flashpoint in many homes, but getting kids to actually help is often a struggle for parents. “That's the biggest place I find myself seeking repair with my kids,” she says. “Knowing I just was like, ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah. Nobody helps me! Get up and help me!’ And then realizing that was completely ineffective.” Not only does Kennedy say this interaction needs repair, but it needs reframing so that future chore conversations are more effective in the future.
As with all of her advice, Kennedy offers a script to parents. She doesn't love the word “nagging” and the connotation of annoyance behind it. “The reason we ‘nag’ is because we have a need that has not been met,” so repairing this situation means clearly outlining that need for our kids. What parents are really asking is for kids to be a part of helping with things around the house. They are asking them to take ownership for family obligations rather than just giving them a to do list. Parents are asking to not be the only one responsible for all the stress and anxiety of keeping the home running smoothly. “When we start to think about it that way, to me it's all about having a framework that makes sense,” she says.
Before talking to your kids about chores, Kennedy suggests some self-talk that asks questions like, “How do I help my kid take responsibility? How do I set my kids up to cooperate?” Then, approach the conversation with the kids in this manner.
Rather than barking at our kids to clear their plates, have a conversation with them about how sharing in some of the domestic labor helps you feel valued and makes the house run more smoothly. “Clearing your plate isn't about clearing your plates one or two times. It's actually about feeling like your kids are helping keep your house orderly," she notes. "The way they achieve that just happens to be through clearing plates.”
Once your kids realize the issue goes beyond the 30 seconds it takes to clear a plate, it’s time to help them understand everyone is on the same team — not on opposite sides. “In other words, you never clear your plate, you're a problem,” is the message most parents send.
Instead, approach it like this:
Open with defining the conflict. “Hey, I know we get into a place every once in a while where I just start yelling at you about not clearing plates, and I'm sorry I do that.”
This is where parents repair that hurt by saying, “No matter how frustrated I am, it's not your fault when I yell, and I want to actually move us to a different place where that just doesn't happen as much.”
Then, give them a solution that reminds them you’re on the same team. “Part of what I think would be helpful is you understanding that I need your help keeping our home orderly, and that's not my job. It's actually all of our jobs.”
It’s also important to remember this conversation about chores and shared responsibility may happen over and over, says Kennedy. “When we really assume that our kids are good kids and just struggle to act in good ways, we start to think about the skills they need to build instead of the punishments we need to give,” she says. Telling a child to clean their room can be overwhelming; it is actually a task with so many steps. Try giving them a list instead so they can learn the steps to “cleaning a room.” This might look like:
Pick up toys on the floor and put them in their home.
Make the bed
Put dirty clothes in the hamper
Bring any cups or dishes to the kitchen
Empty the trash can
Kennedy says her own family uses a simple reusable chart to chunk the larger ask into manageable tasks for kids. With her own three children, it’s easier to remind them of the checklist, which can prevent feeling like a “nag.”
She gives an example of a Post-it note system her family devised to remind her son to put his homework in his bag for school the next day. “If I don't teach him how to remember things, I don't know why he would suddenly remember things," she notes. It has not worked perfectly — he still sometimes forgets. However, they’ve seen a drastic increase in the number of days he remembers to pack his homework.
“When I think about it as 'he just doesn't have the skill yet to remember his chores,' I start to think about tools to give him to build skills instead of punishments to deliver because I'm so frustrated," she says.
