Dr. Becky Lets Us In on the Secrets to Managing Screen Time Over Winter Break

There's no place like home for the holidays. But what happens when boredom sets in and screen time arguments begin?

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

‘Tis the season to respond to invites, travel to see family and friends, finish gift shopping, and address holiday cards. But dinner, work, and parenting responsibilities don’t get put on hold for the kids' winter break—and the weather in many parts of the country is starting to get frightful.

Enter screens.

“Screen time becomes a go-to mechanism we use where we are able to depend on our kids being occupied so we can get those other things done,” says Becky Kennedy, PhD, a clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and mom of three, who is working with Amazon Kids to provide tips for parents about screen time during the holidays.

Also enter: Guilt. Screen time can be a loaded topic, and headlines about its effects on development can fill parents with anxiety and shame during an already stressful time that’s supposed to be merry and bright.

Breathe.

“Parents need to give themselves permission to give their kids screen time and not go into a guilt spiral about it,” Dr. Kennedy says.

Still, Dr. Kennedy and other experts say excessive screen time can lead to the very meltdowns parents were hoping to avoid when they put on a TV show or let their kid play a game. How can parents navigate screen times, especially during the holiday whirl (and cold winter months) ahead? Dr. Kennedy and other child mental health professionals are sharing those tips and insights.

"Parents need to give themselves permission to give their kids screen time and not go into a guilt spiral about it."

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Handling Screen Time Transitions

Your child begged for hours to stream their favorite show, and you relented. When you turn the device off, the tears also start streaming. Dr. Kennedy shares why this woe is common and how to help your kids through these sticky moments.

Transitions are hard

Dr. Kennedy says children get immersed in the world of their TV shows or games. Sometimes, parents—herself included—abruptly take them out of the world by yelling from another room that it’s time to eat or turning off the device.

She encourages parents to imagine they are having a blast at lunch with friends. Suddenly, a partner comes and insists you leave the lunch and wonders why you were so upset on the ride home. You’d probably wonder why they were even asking the question.

“A kid, in that moment, is going through immersion and connection and enjoyment meant in a world to total, sudden aloneness,” Dr. Kennedy says.

Connect with your kids

Now that you’ve put yourself in your kids’ sneakers brainstorm ways to bridge the gap between the “screen world” and the “off-screen world.”

“Say a kid is on a tablet,” Dr. Kennedy says. “Going over to them a few seconds before and putting your hand on their back shows them ‘I am here. You are not alone.’”

You might say something like, “Hey, what’s that show?” or “Wow, you’re on that level? How cool.”

“You are building a bridge to their screen time world,” Dr. Kennedy says.

Prepare them for the end of screen time

From there, give a heads-up that the screen time is nearing its end to prepare them for the transition.

“[Try], ‘Hey, one more level, and then we’re going to end’ [or] ‘Hey, I see there are two more minutes, and then we are going to shut it off,’” Dr. Kennedy says.

Proactively Set Boundaries on Screens Before the Holiday Break

Handling screen time transitions is important. However, experts say setting boundaries and expectations before school lets out for the holiday break is another valuable tool for navigating screen time.

“All of us are likely to act in an out-of-control way when we have a violation of expectations,” Dr. Kennedy says. “Often, kids have a violation of expectations with their wishes and reality.”

Kids may wish to watch their favorite show or play video games all day. Even with established boundaries, being unable to do that may be disappointing.

“But they won’t be shocked,” Dr. Kennedy says.

And less shock could mean less screen time strife for parents and kids alike.

Know what a boundary is

Boundaries are essential, but sometimes people mistake them for requests.

“Boundaries are what we tell our kids what we will do,” Dr. Kennedy says. “They require our kids to do nothing…most of us, when we set a boundary, are actually making a request. Requests require someone to do something.”

For instance, say you tell your kid they cannot use the Amazon Fire Kids Tablet or iPad before a particular time. The last time you checked, the device was on the kitchen counter. You enter the living room, and there’s your kid on the tablet hours in advance.

You told your child not to go on the tablet before a particular time—wasn’t that a boundary? Dr. Kennedy says it was more of a request because a child had to resist the urge to grab the device, which was within their reach.

“If my phone is in a room, and my husband tells me not to take it for three hours, I wouldn’t be able to do it, and I am an adult,” Dr. Kennedy says.

Instead, put the device out of reach.

“Now my boundary has no way of being unsuccessful,” Dr. Kennedy says.

Open the conversation

Before the break, share your thoughts on screens by leading with empathy.

“Begin by acknowledging the appeal of screens,” says Don Grant, PhD, MA, MFA, DAC, SUDCC IV, the national advisor of healthy device management for Newport Healthcare. ”Then, express the vitality of balance in their activities and emphasize the importance of diverse experiences. Share your concerns about excessive screen time affecting their well-being, such as physical health and sleep patterns.”

This approach positions you as on a child’s team.

Get them involved

Children, especially tweens and teens, can play a role in establishing ground rules for screens.

“Kids appreciate feeling in control, so giving them decision-making power can increase their compliance and motivation,” says Regine Muradian, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in California.

Dr. Muradian suggests saying, “Now that you are on break, you will have a lot of free time. We might spend more time indoors, and you may want to use your iPad or play games more than usual. How about we agree on a specific time amount of screen time every day? Let’s also create a list of activities you would like to do together.”

Think about content

One of the tricky aspects of screen time is how passive—and easy–it is.

“When my kids are young, they are still building circuitry in the body around how to think about rewards and success,” Dr. Kennedy says. “How much effort do I have to put into things to be successful at them? One of the things about screen time is that screen time gives feelings of success really fast.”

Think about it: All a kid has to do is scroll, swipe, and tap, and they can watch an exciting show or play a fun game.

“This is very different than learning how to read, which can be a ton of effort and time before seeing, ‘C-A-T spells cat,’” Dr. Kennedy says. “Kids need to learn how to tolerate frustration. Screen time builds intolerance because success is so easy and so fast.”

Dr. Kennedy doesn’t think every show or game has to require a child to think, but she does advise parents to add those into a screen time diet. For example, a game that requires a child to use their creativity to build a world.

“That is what I think is powerful for parents to think about, and not in necessarily a rigid way, but here and there making sure my kids' screen time diet involves a little more thinking and effort,” she says.

Use screens to bond

Co-viewing content with your child makes for a way to bond and can also help a child feel less alone during and after screen time. Choosing a holiday movie to watch together can be a fun family activity.

“They enjoy making a list of their favorite movies and taking turns picking which one to watch,” Dr. Muradian says. “It's essential that, as adults, we put our phones away so that we can be fully present together. The same applies to educational content; you can watch it together and then discuss what has been learned as a shared experience.”

Practice healthy screen time

Dr. Muradian alluded to it, and Dr. Grant drives it home: Parents can set themselves up for success by role-modeling healthy screen time habits.

“This can create a positive and supportive environment for the children to understand and respect the established boundaries,” Dr. Grant says.

It’s not too late

Do you feel like you opened the floodgates by allowing multiple hours of screen time daily? It’s not too late to pivot.

“One of the really empowering parts of being a parent is that at any moment, if something you are doing with your kid isn’t working, you can change it,” Dr. Kennedy says.

When a pilot has to make an emergency landing somewhere far from the initial final destinations, passengers may be disappointed. But travelers don’t tell the pilot they did a lousy job for doing what was in their best interest.

“We are the pilots of our planes,” Dr. Kennedy says. “If you feel screen time is not working for your family and your kid, remind yourself you are the pilot. Your kid doesn’t have to like it…but someone not liking it is not a reason for someone in the cockpit to not make a decision they know is best.”

Related: The Benefits of Screen Time in Play That Parents Need to Know

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