The Dos and Don'ts of Lunch Box Politics

From trading snacks to feeling isolated at the allergy table, the lunchroom can cause some of the most stressful parts of your child's school day.

Want to know where the real drama goes down in elementary school? It's not on the playground. It's not on the bus. It's in the lunchroom, the center of all the "politics" surrounding what kids do—or don't—have inside their lunch boxes.

There are pressures around sharing or trading—if your kid is lucky enough to have "fun" snacks in their lunch box. There are kids on the defensive when others don't understand the texture or smell of their culturally-specific foods. And, of course, there's the overall social anxiety around where you sit and who you sit with.

What goes on in the lunchroom can be a lot for kids to understand and handle—but initiating the right conversations at home to provide them with the tools needed to navigate "lunchbox politics" will set them up with important life lessons in sharing, acceptance, confidence, and staying true to themselves.

Here, experts and parents who have lived through it weigh in on the biggest issues your kids may face with ways to help them make smart decisions in the lunchroom and beyond!

Related: Here's How to Handle the End-of-Summer Scaries

Food As Currency

Lunch box snacks seem like innocuous, personal preferences—but they can be the root cause of school stress. If you're the kid that brings gourmet potato chips or extra chocolatey cookies—other kids may want in with a trade or by snagging any extras.

If your kids insist on partaking in sharing or trading their snacks, Jenny Woo, CEO of Mind Brain Emotion, suggests putting them in charge of packing their "fun" lunchbox snacks and leaving it up to them to decide if they'll share or trade with friends.

With that said, Woo makes sure her kids know that they must never touch or take other kids' belongings without permission—and they must ask other kids about their allergies before sharing any food.

"In general, it's a good idea to discuss with your child beforehand how to respond when other kids are interested in their 'fun' snacks," she suggests. "While sharing is nice and fun, no one is obligated to pack extras to share with others."

Jamie Smith, a mom in Washington, DC, admits she's acquiesced to her son's request to pack doubles of the good snacks, so he can trade during lunch. "I don't do it all the time since he trades for things I would normally not give him," she admits. "But once a week or so, he has the time of his life."

It's also important that you help your child understand that the contents in a lunchbox are personal properties. "It's important to respect other people's boundaries and belongings. Ask your child how they would feel if another student took their favorite snack without asking," says Woo, who also suggests emphasizing to your child that the food portion in their lunchbox is meant to give them energy for the rest of the school day. "Undereating by sharing food or overeating by taking others' food may cause them to feel hunger attacks or tummy aches later."

The Trade Off

While some kids are begging for extra snacks to trade and share, other kids would like NO fun snacks packed in their lunchbox. The reason? Too much unnecessary stress caused by other kids demanding trades or asking for extras.

Navdeep Singh Dhillon, dad to Shaiyar, 9, says his son asked him to stop packing chocolate chip granola bars because it was causing chaos at the lunch table—with other kids bargaining, begging, and even bullying to score the sweet treats. "It got to the point where Shaiyar switched lunch tables and was feeling a bit ostracized by the whole thing, so he just wanted to eliminate the problem," Dhillon says. "But that meant no fun lunch goodies for him, too."

To alleviate that stress, Woo suggests having an open and supportive conversation—which is exactly what Dhillon did in that situation. "Validate your child's feelings and let them know that it's perfectly okay to say 'no' to friends and explain the importance of setting and communicating boundaries."

She also suggests roleplaying with your child to come up with different social scripts and strategies for handling peer pressure by practicing ways to stand up for oneself by saying "no" politely and firmly. For example: "I'm sorry, but I only have enough snacks for myself."

"If kids continue to pester you, then encourage your child to come up with "out-of-the-lunch box" thinking about how to make their lunchtime enjoyable and stress-free," Woo says. "For example: still pack 'fun' snacks that your child loves, but in less flashy packaging to attract less attention."

What If Your Child Brings Food Other Kids May Not Understand?

When it comes to lunch, navigating cultural sensitivities—and kid insensitivities—can be even more fraught.

If your child packs food for their school lunches that perhaps aren't considered "normal" due to dietary restrictions or cultural considerations, it can be a lot for them to field questions or insensitive comments from classmates.

In that case, Woo says to explain to your child why they shouldn't feel bad about eating something that other kids might not like and encourage them to share information about their food, cultural traditions, or dietary restrictions.

"This could be in real-time at lunch or later for a class assignment or project. As a parent, you can also take part in fostering a more inclusive and multicultural school community by educating students and teachers about your culture and heritage," she says.

Theresa Blackinton, a mom in North Carolina, has strongly enforced the "you don't yuck someone else's yum" rule in her house since her kids were little—something they really took to heart.

Marjie Hadad, author of The Power of PR Parenting: How to Raise Confident, Resilient and Successful Children Using Public Relations Strategies, agrees, recalling how much she loved smoked salmon as a kid and would bring a bagel with lox and cream cheese for her own school lunch whenever the opportunity arose.

"Yes, salmon smells. And I remember a classmate teasing me that it looked slimy," she recalls. "I just smiled. I loved it so much I didn't care, because to me it was such a delicacy. And my private thought was, 'Wow, you don't get it. But, I do and I'm going to enjoy this' and I ate my bagel, lox and cream cheese with full confidence and delight. My classmate just shrugged when they couldn't get a rise out of me."

Learning to Respect Others' Food Choices

Ultimately, food is a great icebreaker and a way to explore other cultures and backgrounds. Hadad believes food can teach kids to be respectful and celebrate differences, "which will be key in their adult life, especially if they go to university, enlist in the military or end up working internationally."

If your child appears confused or turned off by other classmates' lunch choices, Hadad recommends explaining "each country and culture has its own special foods and spices. Usually, people must get on an airplane with a passport to experience such culinary splendors. They are lucky to have friends in school who come from different cultures."

And Woo says it's imperative to "emphasize that a child's opinion is an opinion, not a fact and explain that food you think is gross doesn't necessarily come off as gross to other people."

Handling Social Anxiety at Lunchtime

Beyond the stress of what food your kids do or don't eat during lunchtime or what food they do or don't trade or share, the lunchroom can also be the source of social anxiety. For many kids, that comes from food allergies that require them to sit at a special table—often away from friends without such restrictions.

Woo says to help alleviate your child's worries or concerns over feeling "isolated" that you should help your child understand that it's not their fault that they have allergies and that they shouldn't feel bad about sitting at a different table. "Encourage them to see their reserved table as a proactive choice to protect their health and safety," she explains. "Emphasize that they are not alone in having unique needs by providing concrete normalizing examples of other types of accommodations kids receive."

And if your child isn't required to sit separately at lunch due to allergies but still finds it a stressful time to connect, fit in, or make friends, Hadad believes it's a prime opportunity to teach your child how to enjoy their own company and adopt a high enough level of self-esteem to weather these uncomfortable situations.

She suggests the way around this is by discussing true self-confidence, how to set boundaries, and not letting the nastiness of others determine how you're going to feel or how your day will go. "Teach your child that they set the pace and itinerary for themselves, no one else," she explains. "If they sit with friends, all good. If they sit alone, all good, too. If they sit alone, that's extra time to enjoy some music, read a book, catch up on homework, whatever they want to do."

Hadad also suggests explaining to your child that sometimes people are nasty because they don't feel good about themselves or are upset about something that they're taking out on you. "It's not nice, but at least there's an understanding of why, which should help your child to stand a little taller."

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.