‘Don’t wallow in self-pity, instead help others’: Telegraph readers on how to combat loneliness

The impact of loneliness on mortality is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day, declared Dr Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, in a report focused on the latest global health epidemic last November.

Despite living in a hyper-connected world, 33 per cent of adults struggle with loneliness. The problem is so prevalent, that the World Health Organisation (WHO) declared loneliness a “global health threat” and launched the WHO Commission on Social Connection to fight it.

Middle-aged people in England are the loneliest in Europe, revealed research conducted by psychologists at Arizona State University.

In February, Stuart Andrew, the Minister for Loneliness, made an announcement on the matter: To those of you who feel lonely, admit it. “It is only when you reach out and talk about it that you can understand what the best mechanisms are for tackling it,” he said.

Many Telegraph readers were in agreement with Andrew and offered to share their stories with the hope of normalising loneliness and creating conversation on the topic.

‘Look at the advantages of solitude’

Fay Pearson, 81, has experienced loneliness since she was a child. When she was seven years old she was sent off to boarding school in South Africa, a six day drive away from her family home in Botswana, and would often be the only one left at her school on the weekends.

Throughout her married life, her husband, George, a naval officer, was frequently deployed at sea, leading her family to relocate 23 times and to live in several places abroad. Fay said: “I was extremely lonely when I was bringing up my two sons and my husband just didn’t get it. But, I couldn’t work and I had no friends to see. I was beside myself with loneliness.”

Fay now lives with George in a retirement home in Southsea, Hampshire. However, George’s illnesses and her role as his caregiver often leave her feeling isolated, and she fears that she may soon be on her own. “I come across as a super confident person, but it’s actually a front for overcompensation,” Fay admitted. “A few friends have recently been widowed and it’s hard to witness their shock, despair and grief, but they have family for support. When my time comes, I will have no one and that scares me.”

But when it comes to loneliness, Fay is an advocate for taking ownership of the situation: “Don’t expect anyone to change anything for you; it’s up to you. Don’t spend too much time wallowing in self-pity. Instead help others, as that will in turn help you. Join a club, sign up to do volunteer work and learn not to depend on others, but to ask for help when you really need it, knowing that people might not always be readily available.”

To stay sociable and minimise feelings of loneliness, Fay enjoys attending classical music concerts, helping run her retirement home’s library, and going on power walks, where she often encounters friendly strangers who are up for joining her and a chat.

However, journaling has been Fay’s greatest solace. “Keeping a journal for myself is brilliant because I can go back and reflect. It makes me look at myself to see my mistakes and the lessons that can be learnt. It means I can say to myself ‘You know what Fay, you were full of self-pity that day, you need to rein it in,’ or I can pat myself on the back and say ‘You’ve done well Fay, you should be proud.’”

‘The dog rescued her’

Tim Jackson, 59, has been helping people who suffer with loneliness for many years whilst volunteering at Christians Against Poverty in Cambridge.

After much persuasion from his wife and two daughters, the retired engineer took the plunge during Covid-19 to add a dog to their family for the first time. Tim said: “My wife and I have often said to each other that should we ever be left alone, a dog would be the best remedy for loneliness and sadness. After all, God designed dogs to be a man’s best friend!”

Tim finds solace in his faithful companion during his most vulnerable times, such as late at night and when he’s home alone. Yet it’s not just the comfort of his dog’s presence that eases his loneliness; it’s the way his Jack Russell forces him to get outside regardless of the weather. “Fresh air and some sun are the best antidotes I have ever found for when I’m feeling down,” said Tim.

For Tim, his dog also acts as a social catalyst: “In every other situation, approaching strangers in an open field would be unusual, but with a furry friend by my side, my dog becomes an icebreaker,” Tim explains. “It helps the conversation flow easier because we share our experiences and our dog’s eccentricities. It’s even more wonderful when you encounter these same people again and again, creating familiar faces on your daily walk.”

Last week, Tim was watching a rescue animal programme when he was touched by a conversation that strongly resonated with him. The interviewer on the programme praised a woman for her kindness in rescuing a dog, but her response turned the narrative on its head. “Actually,” she said, “I think it’s the other way around.” The woman revealed that her husband had passed away a few months prior, leaving her consumed by loneliness. In her eyes, it was the dog who had rescued her.

It is not just midlifers and the elderly who are suffering from loneliness. According to a report conducted by the Campaign to End Loneliness in 2022, it is the young who are the most lonely and the greatest cause for concern, as ten per cent of those aged between 15 and 24 said they feel “lonely most of the time.”

‘It felt like no one was in the same boat as me’

James Simmons*, 24, from the outskirts of London, found himself grappling with loneliness after moving back in with his parents in the countryside when he couldn’t get a job after nearly five years at university.

“I had a history degree from Durham University and a comprehensive legal education, including the GDL, the LPC and an MSc in Law, Business and Management from the University of Law and I still couldn’t get a job. It felt like a real catch-22 situation: I needed a job to get a job,” said James.

Seasonal depression and social media did not help James’ feelings of loneliness. “It was hard to stay motivated and look for jobs,” said James. “I’d go on LinkedIn and see everyone else posting about their glossy promotions and fantastic achievements and yet I couldn’t even get a job in the first place. It felt like no one was in the same boat as me.”

For James, the best solution was plucking up the courage to reach out to people. “You’ve got to get a good schedule going. Get a phone call arranged or book a drink in with a friend. It seems obvious, but it’s so important to make plans with people to help you feel less lonely,” said James.

Going to the gym everyday, cold showers in the morning and journaling also helped to improve James’ mental health because “it’s easier to solve the puzzle once it’s right there in front of you on paper.”

*A pseudonym has been used.

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