I Don’t Love My Husband Anymore, But I’m Scared to Leave—What Do I Do?
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
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For the past decade, I’ve been asking myself if I should leave my marriage. I even had an affair that did not end well (as is the case with most affairs), but it taught me a lot about myself and what I want from my relationships.
During this period, I changed a lot. I became less of a people pleaser and more in-tune with what I feel. I even revamped my professional career, which I left to raise my three children. And with my career back in running, I began to recover my self-confidence.
I’m not the only one who has changed. My husband is becoming more sensitive, more caring, and much more attentive. He’s also becoming less controlling. Still, I sometimes feel he does these things with a transactional mindset, as though he’s paying attention to how much I give him in order to measure how much he gives back. Even if I do love him on many levels, I don’t feel a true connection with him. He is ten years older than me, and sometimes the age gap shows. He is incapable of having deep conversations, which I long to have. We are great partners when it comes to family projects, but we have conflicting interests. He has a lot of sex drive for me, and even though I also have a lot of sex drive, it’s never directed toward him. He does not ignite me in the right ways, as he is more rough than tender in bed.
We have built a beautiful family together, and sometimes, I feel I truly cannot break it apart. The idea of leaving him sounds incredibly difficult for me, because I do love him. I’m just not “in love” with him anymore. I don’t feel fully alive in this relationship anymore.
Should I stay or should I go?
Sincerely,
Love Is All I Need
Dear Love Is All I Need,
It’s normal and even healthy for your feelings to fluctuate when you’ve been with someone longterm. While the movies make it seem possible to find your “one true love” and feel turned on by them for the rest of your life, the truth is a lot more disappointing than that. After you’ve been with someone for so many years and you’ve built your life around them, they can start seeming less like a lover and more like a roommate. And roommates aren’t there to romance you. Instead of giving you butterflies in your stomach, they leave dirty dishes in your sink and forget to take out the trash. Unless you’re actively working on connecting with your partner, you start falling into a predictable routine with them. At best, it feels comfortable at times and extremely dull at others. At worst, it starts to make life feel greyscale instead of technicolor.
While it’s not alarming to go through a period of lethargy and disinterest in your marriage, it shouldn’t last that long. Perhaps you go through a few months in which you don’t have sex. Maybe you spend a year or two genuinely considering a separation. But if you’ve spent the entire last decade of your life actively daydreaming about what it would feel like to leave your marriage, you know you’re dealing with a real problem. If you’ve even resorted to having an affair just to find some form of escape from this marriage, then you know you feel trapped. A lot can change in 10 years, but if the desire to separate from your husband still hasn’t, then it’s time to start taking these feelings seriously. This isn’t a passing moment of domestic boredom or a period of unrest. This is a deep-seated desire to free yourself from this commitment and it is simply not going away.
Despite how much you’re ready to file for separation, you’re actually an extremely relationship-oriented person. In fact, it may be the reason for why it’s so hard to think about leaving, as well as the reason you’re craving a more meaningful connection with someone. You are a Leo, which is one of the most romantic, expressive, and majestic zodiac signs there is. You want life to shine, which is why it makes sense that resuming your career has helped you take back some of your power and identity. And because your Leo sun is sitting in your seventh house of partnerships, what you really want is to feel proud of your partner; to be in a relationship so great that it inspires envy and admiration. You want to feel so emotionally drawn to your partner that you could shout your love from the rooftops. With your Virgo stellium sitting in your eighth house of intimacy, you also crave depth and a level of emotional understanding so intense that you feel like you’re the only two people left in the world. (Learn more about the 12 astrological houses.)
Unfortunately, your Leo sun forms a challenging square to your husband’s Scorpio sun, which means you often disagree about what your life together should look like. Because your husband’s Scorpio sun is sitting in your 10th house of authority and public image, he has often taken control of your marriage and dictated policy. He may care more about keeping up with appearances and maintaining the image of being a happily married couple than truly meeting you on your level. And because his natal Mercury—planet of communication—is also squaring off with your Leo sun, it’s even harder to feel intellectually and mentally stimulated by your husband. At times, it may even feel like you’re speaking two different languages. (Here’s what your Mercury sign says about your communication style.)
Fortunately, your relationship with your husband is still much deeper than this, hence the reason it feels so difficult to go through with leaving. Your moon—ruler of your subconscious needs and instincts—is in Virgo, forming a harmonious trine with his moon in Capricorn. This indicates a subconscious understanding of each other that breeds comfort and familiarity, but also emotional complacency. Because both your of moons are in earth signs—which represents dependability and practicality—you relationship remains grounded, as you have established a strong foundation for your togetherness. Your natal Jupiter—planet of luck and abundance—is in Cancer, sitting in your husband’s fifth house of offspring, which is why you were able to successfully produce three beautiful children together. With your exalted Jupiter in Cancer forming an exact trine with his Scorpio sun, it’s clear that together, you have built a truly wonderful family dynamic. And because your moon, Mercury, Venus, and Saturn are all sitting in your husband’s seventh house of partnerships, there probably was a time when you were all in on your husband. Being his idea of a good partner has always come naturally to you, but being that person inhibits the person you actually are. (Here’s what you should know about each planet in astrology.)
There’s also a generational divide between you and your husband that may be contributing to your issues. While you were born with your North Node in Virgo, your husband was born with his North Node in Pisces, which confirms your 10 year age gap. In astrology, the North Node symbolizes your ultimate destiny in life and everything you came here to accomplish. Because Virgo and Pisces are opposite signs, you may at times feel like you have a conflicting spiritual missions altogether. And while the differences you share have been integral to each other’s growth, they weren’t necessarily designed to keep you together for the rest of your life. (Learn more about your North Node of Destiny.)
There’s a reason why this feeling of unrest has grown even more intolerable in recent years, as both you and your husband have been going through major changes, as you previously mentioned. While the North Node brings things in, the South Node takes things out, and currently, the South Node is in Libra, which has been placing pressure on your natal Mars in Libra to let go of something you’ve already outgrown. Mars is the planet of passion and aggression; the planet that urges you to take action. Despite how much you’ve been feeling the desire to shed the weight of this relationship, your Mars in conflict-avoidant Libra is terrified of initiating a disastrous divorce; of putting your children through a traumatizing situation. However, the South Node is still egging you on to leave, reminding you of all your unrealized potential. Your husband’s natal Jupiter—which also happens to be his chart ruler—is also in Libra, which means he himself is letting go of certain aspects of his personality that haven’t been serving him well. But your feelings have already changed. You’ve been emotionally checked out of this marriage for the past 10 years. If he’s just beginning to show improvements, it might be too little too late. (Learn more about your South Node of Destiny.)
Still, it’s worth noting that your husband isn’t stupid—he feels you drifting away from him. His natal moon in Capricorn is sitting in your 12th house of deception and unseen energies, making him feel as though there is something you’re not telling him. At times, he may even feel as though he is not fully seen by you; that you don’t notice all the ways he’s trying to connect with you and be the man you need him to be. With your Mars sitting in his eighth house of emotional and financial attachments, it does make sense that you believe he sees your relationship as transactional. And he doesn’t understand why all the effort he thinks he’s putting into connecting with you isn’t producing a return on his investment. He’s trying in his own way, but his trying may not be enough for you. And that’s neither your fault, nor his. (Learn more about your moon sign.)
I can’t tell you whether you should leave your marriage, but I can tell you when I think you and your husband will have to make a decision one way or another. The North Node will enter Pisces in early 2025, which will activate both of your destinies. This will be your husband’s nodal return, which will put your husband on a new path in life. Adversely, this will jumpstart your nodal opposition, which is when your past converges with your future and puts you at a crossroads, causing you to second-guess what you thought you believed in and rethink everything you’ve always wanted. In other words, this story is far from finished. There are still twists and turns that could unfold over the course of the next couple of years, forcing you to consider your dilemma from another angle.
Something new will be introduced to your situation after the lunar eclipse in Pisces on September 17, 2024, which will form an exact opposition to your natal Venus. Whether you’re meeting someone new or your feelings toward your husband change once again, there’s nothing you can do to stop what was always meant to happen. Remember—eclipses always speed you up toward your ultimate destiny, and soon, yours will begin to take on an entirely new shape. And I promise, when the time is right, you’ll know what to do.
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
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