What Does Grief Feel Like for Kids?

A new picture book dives right into how kids process and handle grief—and how parents can help.

Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD

Eight years ago, when my youngest daughter died following a failed heart transplant, sharing the news with her sisters broke my heart almost as much as Cora’s death itself. While hospital staffers stood by with a slew of practical resources, including a pair of age-appropriate children’s books—one about the joys of dog heaven (think endless ham-shaped biscuits), the other about one rabbit’s parting gifts to his forest-dwelling friends (he splashes the landscape with color and music)—neither narrative quite got to the root of what my kids, ages 8 and 11, were experiencing at the time: Intense feelings of grief that permeated every part of their physical bodies and emotional beings.

How Grief Manifests in Kids

As a bereaved parent, I was over the moon to stumble upon What Does Grief Feel Like?, a picture book by Korie Leigh, PhD, for kids ages 3 to 8. With gentle guidance and room for interpretation, the book is designed to help young children explore their grief when a loved one dies.

"Helping children build their emotional vocabulary and also their capacity to identify, name, and express emotions [is huge]," says Leigh, a certified child-life specialist and grief counselor.

In the nearly two decades she's spent working with children to develop resilience in the wake of challenging life experiences—including the death of a loved one—questions have been at the root of her work. “There is no topic that’s off limits,” says Leigh, of a mantra that’s not only abundantly clear in her practice but also her writing.

The book unfolds through a series of open-ended questions, illustrated by Mike Malbrough, designed to help facilitate and guide the conversation with young people:

What did you feel after your special person died? 

If your grief had a name, what would you call it? 

What color is your grief? 

Is it big or small? Loud or quiet? 

What does grief feel like in your body?

Related: Sheetal Sheth Tackles Mental Health and Talking to Kids About Tough Topics in her New Picture Book

Teaching Kids to Name Their Grief

The book equally validates young readers' experience and invites their participation in the conversation, especially when it comes to the prevalence of “mixed-up feelings” we have after someone dies.

“Grief is one of the major emotional experiences that we don’t always have a name for,” says Leigh, underscoring a foundational principle in her work with young people—one stemming from an old proverb (whose origin is unknown to her) that loosely reads: To name something is to know it; and, through the process of naming, comes power. 

“No matter the emotion, if we can find a name for it—if we can describe it, if we can understand how it feels in our lives, we can better understand when it shows up,” Leigh explains, pointing to the alternative: “When something remains nameless and shapeless, it has power over you,” she adds, explaining that while grief is a bit more complicated than a primary emotion (like happiness, anger, fear and sadness), young people get it.

“We don’t give kids enough credit, especially our little ones,” says Leigh, who is quick to point out that adults tend to overcomplicate things. "Being really concrete and simple and open with these kinds of conversations is incredibly powerful.”

Related: What To Tell Kids When Their Parent Is Sick

Handling Grief at Different Ages and Stages

That said, as children grow and develop, so does their grief. Depending upon the developmental age of the child when grief manifests (or a death occurs), “each time that child enters into a new cognitive, social-emotional and relational developmental stage, they're going to be what we call re-grieving with this newfound understanding,” Leigh explains, pointing to a little girl with she knows who had just turned 4-years-old when her brother died.

When she turned seven, the kind of questions she started asking about the specifics of her brother’s death really changed and became understandably more complex. Ditto for another child whose parent died when he was in preschool; it took attending the funeral of a class pet several years later for him to realize his mother was never coming back. Experts like Leigh know both of these instances coincide with the progression of concrete operations.

“A child who is pre-operational, [and engaged in] magical thinking, is going to metabolize grief and ask questions very differently [as they develop],” says Leigh, pointing to milestones from birthdays and graduations to holidays and other special occasions as “absolutely turning up that grief.”

Grieving as a Family

She reminds caregivers to understand and expect that your child is going to revisit their loss as they progress through different stages—often asking the same, if not more complicated, abstract questions, over and over. A special section in the back of the book is designed specifically for parents and caregivers who, like it or not, are setting the tone.

“[How grown ups behave in the face of loss is] such a pivotal part of the child’s grief experience,” says Leigh, who suggests adults follow their child’s lead, especially when it comes to respecting and honoring how their special person continues to show up in the family unit.

“No one grieves in isolation,” Leigh reminds families, underscoring the importance of not only having collective conversations but also rituals—which she defines as any act infused with intention and meaning.

“Whether you remember your special person by lighting a candle, visiting a special place, or including a symbol that reminds you of them on your holiday cards, [it’s important] that you do so openly as a way to cultivate the family grieving process,” says Leigh, emphasizing the importance of interacting with one another, even if that means, “grieving separately, together.”

In short, talking is a normal, healthy part of the grieving process—one that aligns with the continuing bonds theory which, in short, can be distilled to a beautiful, healing message: “Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

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