Divorced People Are Sharing The Moment They Realized Their Ex Didn't Love Them, And I Have No Words
We recently asked people from the BuzzFeed Community who have been divorced to tell us the moment they realized their former spouse fell out of love. Here are the unexpected results:
1."He stopped coming home from his job at the bar. Up until that point, I thought we would work things out no matter what. But then, when I asked him how he felt, I was met with a silence that spoke volumes."
2."We had gone out with her family to spend the day together, and when they asked to come over to where we were living, she said she wanted time for just the two of us. Got home, and she put headphones in and wouldn’t speak for hours."
"Turned into the beginning of the end where we kept drifting further apart."
3."During the pandemic, I was in our laundry room trying to fix the automated cat box. While I was on the floor, trying to figure it out, with no idea what I'm doing, my now ex-husband came in and said, 'If you were nice to me, I might help you fix that.' And that was it, like a switch flipped in my head."
"After putting up with his mental/verbal abuse, untreated bipolar disorder, and narcissism for more than 20 years, one snarky comment was the straw that broke the camel's back."
4."It became pretty obvious when he started sleeping with one of our 'friends' mere months after our wedding. I have suspicions he slept with someone while on a business trip about a month after our wedding. And then, there was the time he started sleeping with another married woman (and then — inexplicably — moved into their basement after we divorced, and I took the house)."
"Just a few subtle hints, it was over…"
5."I didn't know until she told me she had cheated with my brother, two years after we were married. She told me seven years after the fact, but she never apologized for it. I eventually forgave her because we just found out that she was pregnant with my second son."
"Twenty years later, I found out she cheated multiple times but kept them hidden from me. I divorced her when she gave me an STD."
—75, Texas
6."There were a million little things that I chose to ignore: He stopped kissing me, just pecks here and there, which I always initiated. Sex dwindled. He kept making excuses not to spend time with my friends or family. Spending time with me and doing something, anything, together felt like a massive chore for him — to the point that I felt guilty that I was asking for too much. Then, I eventually confronted him and found out he’d been sleeping with his colleague."
"That moment, all his behavior hit me like a ton of bricks. And while it hurt, I was also relieved that I wasn’t losing my mind, that my feelings were real and justified. It took about two weeks for me to come to the conclusion that there was no going back for us, and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Three years later, I’ve got a wonderful partner and a gorgeous baby boy. Life is sweet."
—32, UK
7."I knew it about four years before we actually divorced, but I stayed because we had several kids together. I was a child of divorce and really didn’t want that for my kids. But by the time the pandemic rolled around, I really knew nothing was going to change. I’d had a major medical emergency that turned my life upside down. He guilted me about not immediately being myself again."
"When I finally felt better, I knew it was just time to move on with my life, and I did. I am much better with that weight off my shoulders now."
—35, Iowa
8."It was shortly after we had our twins. We were both tired and trying to find a new routine, but were struggling to give each other any time. One night at dinner, I looked at him and told him I missed him and felt lonely. He ignored me and continued to text. From that day on, our relationship continued to go downhill."
"Years later, I asked to separate."
—34, New York
9."When we were still married, my wife used to wipe her lips every time after kissing me. I knew it was over the very first time she did that. We are now happily divorced."
—59, USA
10."We had been married 14 years, and during COVID, he was let go, and I was working from home. We have two kids, and I was the person to help with school, homework, etc. I also still did chores around the house as well. He did very little as an unemployed man."
"I asked him to do a few things for me about once a month if I was unable to with the kids and work. When he didn’t do it, I asked him why. He said what I want was not a priority to him. Divorced!"
—40, California
11."She told me that I was a dark cloud over her life, and I really loved her, but I realize she was a dark cloud over mine, too."
—38, California
12."For the first six years of our marriage, I was the breadwinner and supported our blended family financially. When he finally got a job that paid more, he began partaking in his favorite hobby again: golf. He started playing three to four times a week, even taking off work and lying about it to play. I began to feel stuck in my routine of work, kids, and the house, so I suggested that we take one day a week to spend some time together and reconnect, hoping we'd feel less like roommates. His only response: 'But that would make me unhappy.'"
"I shook off the hurt and used the extra time to go back to school. I was three days into my first class when he asked me when I was going to be done with school. Apparently, seeing me engaged in another activity made him change his mind. It was too late, though — we divorced a couple of years later. However, I finished my bachelors and am now working on my MBA."
—50, Georgia
13."During multiple child births, he didn’t support me, looked like he didn't want to be there, wouldn’t even touch me or say any kind words, and looked absolutely disgusted. Stone cold. I knew then. I begged for his love and attention for years. He looked at me with disgust, told me I was fat and ugly, wouldn’t walk beside me in public, and stopped being affectionate."
"I loved him with every ounce of my being. He didn’t like that my body developed into that of a woman, and he no longer had a pretty little doll on his arm. He absolutely destroyed me, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same again."
—43, Massachusetts
14."My ex and I always had issues, literally from the start. He was so mentally abusive, and I always wanted to hang on to the idea that maybe some day, things will be different. One day, my ex called my name from in the bathroom, and for some reason, I can’t explain, but it felt weird. I responded to see what he wanted; he stood quiet for a bit, then said, 'I love you.'"
"The sad part is he never randomly told me he loved me. A few weeks later, he left. Him leaving was what I needed to realize that I was so much better off without him."
—36, California
15."It had probably been obvious for a much longer time than I wanted to admit to myself. The last Christmas we had together before separating, we got into a HUGE blowout argument out of nowhere, and he went out of his way to be as hurtful as possible: insulting the Christmas cards that I'd made, calling me nuts like my mother, saying it would be easier to reason with a child, etc. This was all because I stood up for myself when he blamed me for misplacing HIS work pants. The following day, I tried to explain how hurtful the stuff he'd said was, but he just stared at me with this look of contempt on his face, and I knew right then and there we weren't coming back from that fight."
"Over a lifetime together, somebody may go nuclear like that on their worst days, but to be absolutely contemptuous of me being hurt by it after that dust had settled, rather than having empathy and apologizing, was it for me. I knew that day there was no way in hell anyone would treat someone they love like that, and looking back, he'd been outright verbally abusive, refused to work on the relationship in any meaningful way, and was mostly indifferent to me for a while. When I left for good was the only time he'd put any effort into starting conversations or proposing counseling, but by then, it was too late. I'd realized he wasn't ever going to do those things out of genuine care or respect for me, but only because he was facing consequences for the way he treated me. And that's definitely not love — it's just self-interest."
—36, Massachusetts
16."She told me she fell out of love with me when I pressed her about her affairs. She believed I didn't love her or want her anymore and sought the attentions of others. I believe she told herself (and her affair partner) that I didn't love her in order to allow herself to pursue other relationships without my knowledge."
—56 Texas
17."I knew when he called out another woman’s name during sex. Then, I found out that name was the name of his new girlfriend."
—63, Florida
18."My ex-husband ghosted me for about a week when we first started dating after I asked him after three months where we were headed. About a week later, he made an excuse about being too busy with work. I went ahead and continued to date him and ignored every red flag you could think of going forward: him making fun of my weight, talking about how hot other women were that I knew and that I could never be super hot like them, him being friends with a girl from work to the point where they were going to places at lunch so that people at work wouldn’t see them (I received an email from his coworker saying that she was notorious for sleeping with married or attached men), finger pointing during fights, name calling, and the list goes on. He always used to tell me the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Eventually, we got married, and we tried to have a baby, because a baby would fix everything, right? We ended up having seven failed fertility treatments and six miscarriages."
"It should be noted outside of the initial consultation, I attended almost all of the visits to the fertility specialist alone. When I ended up with our last pregnancy being ectopic, I was devastated. I begged him come with me to the appointment because I knew the results of the ultrasound would crush me. He went with me to our appointment and was devoid of any emotion as usual. When they told me I had to make a follow-up appointment, we approached the desk to schedule, and I pulled out my calendar. I asked him what day he could come with me; he coldly looked at me and said, 'I don’t have my f***ing work calendar with me.' The receptionist was as shocked as I was. After that, I took our miscarriages among everything else as a sign to get out, and about several months later, I moved out and filed for divorce. No worries, the grass is greener without him."
—Anonymous, Kansas
19."You know when your intuition is telling you something, but the logical side of you doesn't see it, so it must not be true? Well, for me, I had been feeling that our relationship was reaching a point of no return. However, I chose to see this through. One night, we went to a party with family and friends; we weren't drunk, but we did have some drinks. He was walking and talking fine. When we got home, he went to hug me and held me, and then he looked me dead in the eyes and said, 'Isn't it funny how life works? I can't be with the one I love and want to be with. Instead, I'm settling with you.'"
"I knew in that moment what I was ignoring was true — I went to my brother's place that night and packed my bags the next day. He did not try to stop me."
20."She stopped making time to do things with me, but made plans to spend time with literally everyone else. Made comments like, 'I think you're too focused on the marriage,' would lie about things for no reason, and started cutting me out of decisions that would impact us as a family. Eventually, I came to the sad and tragic realization that I couldn't both love myself and love my wife anymore."
—42, California
And finally...
21."I was going through our second miscarriage. That night, he told me I was being too emotional about things. The next morning, he went to go fishing with his friends, and I asked if he could please just stay home because I needed support. His exact words were, 'Are you going to be crying about this for a month like the first time? 'Cause I really don't wanna listen to it.' And he walked out the door."
"Of course, there were MANY red flags in the five years before that, but that was it for me. How could someone, who is supposed to love me and our child, react that way during my miscarriage? Exactly one month and six days later, I kicked him out and never looked back. Two and a half years later, I'm engaged to the most amazing, loving, kindhearted human being I have ever met. If anyone needs it, this is your sign that you CAN get out, and you WILL be okay."
If you've been divorced, what was the first sign that your ex fell out of love? Feel free to share your story in the comments below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
