Divorced Dad Gets Reality Check About What It’s Like To Carry the Mental Load

A dad on Reddit shared what led to his divorce but he isn't getting sympathy.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

Running a household and raising kids is no joke; just ask any human, in any locale around the globe, doing so. Is there a secret ingredient to making it work? Why yes, yes there is when you have a partner: Marital status aside, it all boils down to parents sharing the burden of labor. Period.

One Reddit dad in Kentucky learned the hard way: Following the birth of his now 14-month-old son, his wife said he wasn't doing enough to pitch in. The marriage began to fall apart, and they ultimately divorced. Now, with 50-50 custody, he realizes just how hard parenting is and wants to call the divorce off and work on their marriage. Spoiler alert: She’s happier—and life is easier—without him.

While this divorced dad is not looking for pity or understanding, he is looking to Reddit readers to see if he indeed messed up.

“[My wife] said I wasn’t pulling my weight with child care and chores,” said the original poster (OP), who reckoned things began unraveling when he was expected to know what to do around the house—without his wife telling him!

"It was bad. We argued a lot, and I ended up telling her that her life would be harder without me,” he admitted, adding that—when she got really quiet—he “thought that was the end of the argument.”

Why Sharing the Mental Load Matters

Well, dear OP, we all know the old adage about making assumptions. That said, there’s another real issue at play here: Did y’all not discuss division of household labor before the baby was born? How were you sharing the load then?

Thousands of commenters, like tnkmdm, called him out: “She's your son's mom, not YOUR mom. You're both adults. Why should she have to tell you what to do?”

“Women aren't born knowing how to be a parent!” said Western-Run-2901, who underscored: “It's all trial and error for us, too.”

That said, perhaps VegetableBusiness897 brings up the most relevant point about the dad's claim of not knowing what needs to be done: “That's called doing all the mental work. She needed to see things that should be done and tell you? You are not capable of seeing these things and doing them yourself?”

Unfortunately, the unbearable weight of the mental load—which is the precursor to the physical load in that one must anticipate the task needs doing—is often ignored in relationships. Or, if it’s acknowledged, it’s not given the respect it deserves.

From knowing how much formula is left and planning what’s for dinner to scheduling well visits with the pediatrician and shopping for swim diapers and bathing suits before the season’s first scorcher, these invisible tasks not only take time but also near-constant attention. And, let’s face it, I’ve hardly even scratched the surface when it comes to illustrating what the mental load looks (and feels) like.

Yes, Parenting Is Hard

“I'm drowning,” added the OP, claiming he knew being a single parent wasn’t going to be easy; still, it took his wife leaving for him to really get it.

“The weeks I have my son I don't get anything done, and I can barely even function at work because I'm so exhausted. I spend the whole week I don't have him catching up, and I can't even get everything done. My apartment is a mess, and I can hardly keep up with errands and chores. It sucks.”

Despite his honesty, this guy is getting zero sympathy.

"The chaos you’re experiencing? That was your wife’s 24/7 experience when you guys were married,” wrote Personal_Fee_9594.

Ditto from One-Confidence-6858: “You don’t want your wife back because you love and miss her. You want her back because you don’t know how to function as an adult without a mommy telling you what to do and when to do it.” Ouch; but also accurate.

Regardless of the relationship status, it takes equal effort from two humans to create a child—why would one assume anything other than 50/50 when it comes to raising kids?

The OP, bursting with assumptions, thought that since he was having a hard time solo parenting, his wife would be, too. Not so fast. “She says her life is easier without me…she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of two.”

Unfortunately, buddy, the math kind of adds up. 

Communication Is Key

After three kiddos, one divorce, and 20 years of parenting (the last eight on my own), I do know this: For many folks, new parenthood presents a tipping point. No matter how gracefully you were juggling a myriad tasks (from taking out the trash and folding laundry to holding down a nine-to-five) before kids, once they arrive, it’s a real-time game changer.

When I was married, our mantra was “divide and conquer." It was applicable to almost any situation (albeit far easier with tangible tasks than those of the cerebral variety) and required constant communication. After all, the “issue” OP brings to the proverbial table are the types of discussions that need to be unfolding from the beginning, not once a child has been added to the day-to-day mix.

Communication is where it’s at, folks. Take a long, hard look at the person you’re thinking about having children with: If there’s anything about them you don’t like now, get ready for their faults to get magnified several times over when you are both exhausted, sleep deprived, and generally overwhelmed. It is rare (if ever) that these shortcomings suddenly improve or become less annoying.

Quite frankly, it all boils down to some sage advice from Jewicer: “Moms don't know a damn thing either. We are all learning from scratch, and if there's no partnership, then there's nothing.” 

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