How To Discipline Your Kids While Supporting Their Self-Esteem
From how to discipline a 5-year-old to older kids, a clinical psychologist and mother of four shares the magic of "soft criticism."
We love our children, so to us, it might seem obvious that they should love themselves. After all, confidence and feeling comfortable in your skin are life goals for everyone.
But if encouraging these qualities is your priority as a parent, you might avoid dealing with your child's challenging behavior because you don't want to damage their self-esteem. Fortunately, there is a middle ground you can take to gently displicine your child while supporting their self-esteem.
Whether you're looking for advice on how to discipline a 5-year-old to the right way to work with older children, here are answers to questions I often hear from parents and ways to empower kids to solve their own problems.
Related: 10 Biggest Discipline Mistakes You're Probably Making
Why Does My Child Get So Upset When I Point Out Their Misbehavior?
While adults can rationalize that doing one "bad" thing doesn't make someone an overall bad person, kids, on the other hand, are usually black-and-white thinkers. When they're confronted with having done something bad, they feel totally bad.
Of course, some kids are extra sensitive to criticism or prone to low self-esteem. But in general, despite the standard advice to criticize a child's behavior rather than the child, most kids can't hear the difference.
As I write in my book Kid Confidence, children need to learn from their mistakes—and you can still hold them accountable without making them feel like "bad" kids.
The good news is that one of our most important jobs is to teach our children how to be in relationships. They need to understand how their actions affect other people, and which behaviors others will and won't tolerate. Feeling guilty if they've done something wrong is a part of moral development.
It helps them develop the internal barometer that tells them, "Oh, I messed up," so they'll want to make amends. Healthy guilt is not the same as feeling ashamed or worthless.
How To Discipline Gently
To help kids develop those internal skills, the best approach is a three-step strategy I call "soft criticism." In fact, it works well with partners and coworkers, too.
Step 1: Offer an excuse for their behavior
Start by saying, "I know you didn't mean to," or "You probably didn't realize," or "I get that you were trying to." This tells them that you know they're a good kid—one with good intentions—even when they mess up.
Step 2: Tell them what they did wrong and how it affected others
Say, "When you took your brother's toy, it upset him." It may be tempting to add, "You always treat him that way" or "You don't care enough about other people's feelings," but you won't make your point clearer by convincing them of their badness.
Step 3: Move forward
Kids can't undo what they've already done, and we don't want to leave them stuck feeling badly about themselves. Ask your child questions to help them develop a plan for making things right, such as, "What can you do to help your brother feel better?"
Depending on the situation, you can suggest possible ways to make amends. This could involve apologizing, comforting, sharing, cleaning up, or doing a chore, such as sorting the recycling.
And when they do something kind or helpful to make amends, express genuine appreciation.
How Can I Help My Kid to Come Up With Make-It-Better Solutions?
If there's a situation that's frequently difficult for your child, it's helpful to have a conversation in which you describe the problem by presenting two sides of the problem and encouraging them to come up with possible solutions. Here's why that can be helpful:
As soon as you present the situation in terms of two perspectives, you can almost see your child's brain growing before your eyes.
Two perspectives allow them to expand beyond just "I want" to accommodate another point of view, too.
Whenever you problem-solve with kids, their first suggestion is usually totally unreasonable ("My sister should just move out!") so it's your job to say, "That's one option, but it wouldn't take care of the other part of the problem. What else could we do?"
It's empowering for kids to know that they solved a problem.
Your child can learn to come up with ideas and refine them if you're patient and guide them to think things through. Then, if your child's solution is a success, you can say, "Wow, your solution really worked."
Should I Be Worried If My Child Shows Signs of Low Self-Esteem?
As parents, hearing our kids make negative comments about themselves is just agony. It makes us want to leap in immediately and show them how special they are. Although it seems logical that kids who feel good about themselves will be happier, that's not what research shows.
Research has found that higher self-esteem is not associated with academic success, better relationships, or even happiness—and over-the-top praise can backfire.
A Psychologist Explains
The harder you try to prove to your child they're wonderful, the more they may argue that they're terrible or worry they'll never be able to live up to your praise.
In one classic study, for example, a group of children were given a course designed to improve self-esteem, while another group of kids received direct instruction in academic subjects. Guess who came out with more confidence? The kids who actually developed real skills in math and reading.
Our focus shouldn't be to convince our kids they're terrific but instead, to help them develop strong friendships and genuine competence so they believe in themselves.
That said, we don't want children to have low self-esteem because they'll be miserable and at higher risk of depression. It can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy: A kid may be afraid to try something new because they assume they'll be bad at it or will avoid social situations because they think they won't fit in. Or, they'll go to the opposite extreme and be so perfectionistic that nothing is ever good enough.
Related: How To Help Your Kid Avoid Perfectionism
The solution isn't to teach your child to feel better about themselves; it's to help them break free of harsh self-focus. There's a lot of pressure on people today to care about their image and how they're coming across. Real self-esteem isn't about loving ourselves; it's about letting go of the question, "Am I good enough?"
We want to help kids connect to something bigger than themselves, whether it's a friendship or a chance to learn about a subject that matters to them.
Will Being Successful Boost a Kid's Confidence?
Unfortunately, some kids are quick to discount their victories. They'll pick apart their performance and insist it wasn't that good.
One study found that people with low self-esteem feel more anxious after a victory than they do after a defeat. They worry they won't be able to do it again or that people will expect more of them.
One way you can help your child feel more competent is by being what I call a "biased biographer."
Tell them empowering stories about times when they struggled but ultimately triumphed. You could say, "I remember when you were first learning to ride your bike and you fell and fell, and now look at you, zipping around the neighborhood!"
Focus on the concrete thing: "Before you couldn't do this, but now you can."
Related: How Do I Help My Child Build Confidence and Self-Esteem at an Early Age?
What Should I Do When My Kid Won't Do What I Ask?
First of all, make sure you have realistic expectations. It's so easy to think that your child ought to be able to behave a certain way, but you have to deal with the child in front of you.
If you always ask them to go upstairs and get ready for bed, and every night, 30 minutes later, they have only taken off one sock, you have to try a different approach.
It truly doesn't matter if most kids their age can get ready for bed alone or even if their younger sister can. I consider realistic expectations to be what our kids can do most of the time or just a bit beyond that.
How Can I Motivate My Kid To Behave Well?
Here are some tips to help motivate your child for positive behaviors:
Make sure they know that it's possible to please you.
Recognize their efforts and progress.
Develop amnesia for their past behaviors. (Children change so rapidly that whatever your child did last month was practically done by an entirely different person, so there's no reason to bring it up again.)
You can also talk about how they are growing or becoming: "You and your brother did a good job of working out how to share the back seat. You are becoming better at negotiating and compromising."
Another example might be: "You helped show the new kid at school how to use the computer. You are becoming the kind of person who can see a need and step in to help."
Related: 6 Ways to Teach Kids to Be Kind
The reason why the language of "becoming" is so powerful is that it says to your kid, "Never mind if you've messed up in the past, and never mind if you mess up tomorrow. Right here, right now, I see evidence for hope."
And that is a beautiful gift to give to a child.
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