Dirty Talk 101: Expert Tips and How to Make it Less Weird
Or why we love being told we've been bad ;)
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Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, PhD, PsyD, LCSW, CST-S
If you're looking for ways to turn up the heat in the bedroom, dirty talk is a foolproof method. When done right it can get you more turned on and lead to more intimacy with a partner. But let's be honest, it's not about doing it right it's about being comfortable with however it happens. However, while dirty talk can come naturally to some people, for a lot of us it can be super nerve-racking.
It's explicit and naughty and sexually charged—which, no matter how progressive we've become, are things the remnants of our puritanical society have told us to suppress. Thus, some people may be keen to explore it but come out drawing a blank when it is time to implement it. This is more likely if you have limited experience or knowledge in the practice.
That's why we've gathered insight from 5 (s)experts to help us break down what you should say to get them (and yourself) going. We've got step-by-step instructions, tips, and even examples to improve your skills.
Related: Breaking Down the Most Important Elements of a Healthy Sex Life
What Is Dirty Talk, Exactly?
Dirty talk is any form of sexually charged or explicit speech that is intended to arouse and seduce someone. Within research it is also known as “erotic talk” or “sex talk” and it covers all communications that happen exclusively during sex and about sex.
Research on dirty talk usually divides it into two categories, mutualistic and individualistic. “Mutualistic sex talk is about sharing the sexual experience with your partner,” says Jordan Rullo, PhD, Clinical health psychologist, certified sex therapist, and Flo Health expert. “For example, giving sexual feedback to your partner, sexual compliments, or moaning in pleasure.”
This type of shared experience sex talk has been shown to increase sexual and relationship satisfaction. Additionally, women who engage in this mutualistic sex talk even report higher sexual functioning.
“In contrast, individualistic sex talk is “me” focused,” Rullo adds. “Examples include, sharing your sexual fantasy, expressing dominance, submission, or sexual ownership. And research shows that this individualistic sex talk increases sexual satisfaction, but not relationship satisfaction.”
Related: The Importance of Foreplay in Your Relationship
What Makes It So Sexy?
“Mutualistic dirty talk is sexy because it’s a positive bid to connect with your partner. And research supports that when these bids are accepted, they not only improve overall relationship satisfaction but ultimately build trust between partners,” says Rullo. “In a relationship, trust is incredibly sexy,” she finishes.
Takeaway
Another factor is what it does to our brains. Dirty talk and eroticism stimulate the areas of the hypothalamus responsible for sex drive and testosterone production, which in turn, makes us horny.
Then there's the appeal of the taboo. We would never say these things to one another in any other context, and this is especially true if we're verbally playing out our sexual fantasies. We're turned on by the idea that we're doing something "bad" or "naughty" and it's totally healthy.
Types of Dirty Talk
Dirty talk can come in various forms too. These include sexting, role-play/fantasy scenarios, verbal expression, and less-verbal expressions. In addition, there are also roughly 8 main categories it can be further split into — though there is some overlap.
Alice Lovegood, a sex educator and ethical adult content creator with over 306k followers on Instagram and 99k on TikTok, lists the following:
Dominance: Having power over someone. For example, “I am going to do what I want with you and you’re going to lay there and take it, understood?”
Submission: Giving power over to someone. For example “take me.”
Instructive statements: Giving verbal instructions, such as “Open your legs,” or "I want you to touch yourself."
Question statements: These can also serve as sexy check-ins, such as "Do you like that? Does that feel good?" or "How badly do you want it?"
Positive reinforcement: Such as, “You feel so good inside me” or “Good girl.”
Intimacy and emotional bonding: Statements such as, “I love you”, and "You're so amazing"
Ownership: Statements that specify ownership over someone or their body. For example, “This XYZ is mine ” or "I'm all yours, baby"
Speaking fantasies: Bringing to life the person’s desires and fantasies through talk — this can be entirely imagined but you know is a turn-on for them. For instance, “Maybe I should let all my friends in here to watch you.”
Reflexive calls: These are words/ moans/ sayings that are almost involuntary for example “F**k”, “Yes”, “Oh my god" or just a good old fashioned (positive) "Ughhhhhhhh"
Related: The Potential Benefits of a BDSM Relationship
Tips for Easing Into Dirty Talk
When it comes to introducing any new sexual experience or accessory with a partner, Rullo recommends that individuals introduce the topic during non-sexual encounters. A great time to do this can be after sex when you're relaxed and enjoying some pillow talk.
This is because it gives the other person a heads up on what is enjoyed in a space that is without time pressure and with privacy. “With a mindset of curiosity, simply explore your partner’s thoughts and feelings around dirty talk and then share your own thoughts/feelings,” she says.
Takeaway
Coming up with a plan to incorporate dirty talk into future sexual experiences is beneficial because it is likely that comfort levels around it may differ. Therefore, Rullo recommends that individuals first explore their and their partner’s core needs on the topic ahead of time to ensure everyone is on the same page.
“Maybe your partner is worried about others overhearing the dirty talk, so their core need might be privacy, or they don’t want to bring others into the bedroom so their core need might be dirty talk that doesn’t include the mention of others”, she says.
From here, people can figure out a non-sexual time to explore what type of dirty talk they prefer and how it makes them feel. “You could even role-play dirty talk to get a feeling of what it’s like. This practice will make experimenting with dirty talk easier during sex,” says Rullo.
Related: What Is Consent?
How to Get More Confident
So now that you know the basics, you may be wondering how any of this helps when you’re too self-conscious to even try it! So what do you do?
Well firstly, it’s important to note that everyone starts from somewhere and it’s completely natural to feel a little shy when it comes to expressing your desires and fantasies. “I want to reassure people that you don’t need to be a master, and that feeling silly in sex or laughing is sometimes all part of the fun,” says Lovegood.
“When learning to walk, we fall over, again and again and again, until eventually walking is easy. Sex is a skill and when we start any skill, we get things wrong, and that’s ok!” she adds.
As a result, Lovegood recommends that people embrace their fears and try to not be afraid to get things wrong. “After all, sex is so much better when you let go of perfectionism,” she says.
As for some general tips, she recommends the following:
Use phrases that turn you on primarily: Instead of being too focused on what you think your partner wants to hear, practice using sayings that turn you on. Your physical response to this will be attractive in itself. For example, my favorite things to say are “use me”, “I was made for this” or similar, and because it turns me on, the way I say it and my body’s response, turns my partner on
Don’t stress about saying different things every time: “In fact, I use the very same sayings over and over until they hit the spot”, Lovegood says. What you can do instead is use different tones and different levels of arousal to gain a different intensity of response.
Watch, read, or listen to inspire you, and note what turns you on: This could be erotica or even movies — write it down and use it!
Practice makes perfect: Say it in the mirror, say it out loud, write fantasies down, and record yourself if you like, the more you say it the easier it will be and the more natural it will feel. Soon you’ll slowly build an erotic vocabulary you can pull from in any scenario.
Don’t be afraid to pause: Feeling silly and rushing. There is power in slowness. Take. Your. Time. Allow your brain to catch up to avoid stumbling.
Don’t forget to debrief: The more comfortable you are with a partner the less afraid you will be to get things wrong, talk about things afterward, ask what they enjoyed, and get some feedback and encouragement.
If all else fails, moan: “ Groans, yesses, moaning the F word, it all counts,” she states. Vocal enjoyment counts as stimulation, your pleasure is important and if the pressure of dirty talking is ruining the moment, don’t do it.
Consent and Communication Are Essential
It is important to note that clear communication, consent, and respect are vital to ensure that all individuals enjoy dirty talk. Therefore, it’s super beneficial to carve out some non-sexual time to engage in an open conversation about boundaries, desires, and limits.
“Prioritize both you and your partner being free to say yes or no [to participating during dirty talk], ending it or having sex acts or scenarios being off limits,” says Dr Juliana Hauser, LMFT, LPC, sex educator and sex expert. “Have clear conversations about what each of your boundaries, desires and comfort levels are and have agreed upon language and cues if things change during the dirty talk experience,” she adds.
In addition to verbal cues, she also highly recommends that people be on the lookout for non-verbal cues too, as these can be vital to gauge the comfort levels of someone. “Be clear of the line between playful nudging and coercion. Never cross the line into coercion-even in dirty talk — do not confuse that with coercion or sexual power play that is clearly asked for and consented as a part of the dirty talk scene,” Hauser states.
Lastly, she warns against the use of disrespectful language or pressure, as this can take away from the experience entirely. She also advises people to stop things if they are unsure of the non-verbal or verbal reactions they garner from the experience. Stating that it is best to ask for clarification and consent if this occurs.
Do’s and don’ts for respectful and consensual dirty talk
So what are some guidelines for respectful and consensual dirty talk? Mangala Holland, a 51-year-old female pleasure expert and author of Orgasms Made Easy: The No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence and Female Orgasms lists the following:
Do’s
Do start with something light and playful and notice how your partner responds: Not everyone is comfortable jumping straight in, and if it feels out of character, forceful, or aggressive then it won’t be received well.
Do agree to communicate if either of you share something that doesn’t feel good: This could include the use of safe words too.
Do start small: A good rule of thumb is to share something genuine and take it from there, eg: “that feels amazing, I love feeling your XYZ.”
Don’ts
Don’t be afraid to debrief with each other later: For example, “how did that make you feel when I said X?” This will help you set each other up for success.
Don’t forget to check whether they’ve explored dirty talk before: If they have, it would be good to check whether it does or doesn’t turn them on. Saying “talk dirty to me” may backfire because it puts people on the spot and makes them feel pressured.
Don’t keep going if it isn’t working: Be mindful to treat every experience as individual and unique. Remember, just because something worked previously, doesn’t mean it’s going to work this time.
Advanced Techniques
“I recommend utilizing all 5 senses. What can you see, hear, feel, smell and taste? This works because it helps to show your partner that you’re fully present to the experience — and presence is hot!” says Holland. “Dirty talk works best when it’s organic and spontaneous, not scripted and rehearsed. So describe what you are genuinely enjoying, rather than what you think your partner wants to hear,” she finishes.
In addition, the use of props could also be used to appeal to the various senses. “Props can add spice and variety to a scenario. Think of different sex toys that can be used on the other person or ask to be used on you,” says Hauser. “‘For example, I want you to take the Magic Wand and put it on me while I am blindfolded and tied up and can’t do anything about it if it gets too intense.’”
If you are doing a role play, these incorporated props can be used here too. “For example, if the scenario involves ice play, ask your partner to have a cup of ice ready for directions. When you get to the part of the scene where ice will be used in the scenario, you can ask them to put the ice on them,” says Hauser.
To take things to the next level, individuals could also experiment with power dynamic play. For those trying it out for the first time, you can experiment with the dynamic that suits them. However, for more advanced people, there could be a role reversal of dominant and submissive dynamics or even a power dynamic shift during the encounter.
That said, in these scenarios, communication will be key. After all, using props or experimenting with power dynamics can do wonders for the atmosphere in the bedroom, but, again, it’s vital to make sure everyone is both comfortable and happy at all times.
Overcoming Challenges and Awkward Moments
Now, even dirty talk experts can run into awkward situations now and again. After all, nobody is perfect and every sexual encounter is unique. Therefore, in times like these, you might need to implement some techniques to help defuse the situation.
“Lots of people are scared of dirty talk because it feels awkward, they fear rejection, or they are worried they will say something stupid or that doesn’t land. And to be honest, sometimes you probably will! And that’s ok! Learn to be ok with the clunky,” says Alice Child, a sexologist and relationship therapist at the sexual wellness platform SheSpot. “You are learning a new skill and that takes time and practice!” she adds.
If one of you starts to feel uncomfortable, this would be the perfect time to use a pre-agreed safe word or signal to help notify the other person. “It’s ok to laugh during sex, or say something like ‘that sounded way sexier in my head’!” says Child. “A huge sexual skill is not needing it to be ‘perfect’, but instead learning how to be flexible, go with the flow and adapt together,” she adds.
Also, remember to not get in your head about it too much! It’s moments like these and the ways that we resolve issues that build trust and openness in a relationship. “It’s also so helpful to always have a chat after sex because we are not mind readers! Get better at your sexual communication by talking about your favorite parts and why, anything you learnt, and/or anything you struggled with,” she says.
“Just talking about it and saying something like ‘I struggle with dirty talk sometimes because it takes me out of the moment and I get in my head about saying the wrong thing’ can take the pressure off,” Child finishes.
Keep in Mind
While dirty talk can seem scary at first, like all skills it just takes a little practice and open communication. Additionally, having a safe and open space to mess up and experiment is vital to ensure all parties end up happy with the results. So have some fun, and remember to keep things light and fun!
Read Next: What Are the Mental Health Benefits of Orgasms?
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