Am I Demisexual?
Sexuality is a spectrum, both in terms of who we are attracted to and how often we experience sexual attraction. Some people label themselves as allosexual, meaning they regularly experience sexual attraction, while others identify as asexual — or “ace” for short — meaning they feel little to no sexual desire. However, it’s important to know that asexuality is an umbrella term. So, there are other terms to use if you feel “asexual” doesn’t accurately describe your sexual orientation. One way you might identify within the asexual community is as demisexual.
“Demisexual describes people who only experience sexual attraction once they form a strong emotional connection with another person,” Keygan Miller (they/them), Public Training Manager at The Trevor Project, explains.
You might be thinking, OMG, how did I not know that these sexual orientations existed? Well, since our society is fairly heteronormative, it can be hard to know that there are other people out there who might be feeling the same way that you do. Below, we explore everything you need to know about demisexuality, including signs you might be demisexual, what resources are available to demisexual people, and how it relates to other sexual orientations.
So, what exactly is demisexuality?
According to Asexuality.org, there is “primary” sexual attraction — which is “based on instantly available information (such as someone's appearance or smell)” — and secondary sexual attraction, which comes from how you connect with someone. Demisexual people rely almost entirely on secondary attraction when it comes to relationships, which is why it might take them longer to feel truly interested in their partner. “It’s more about heart connection rather a crotch connection,” Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D., the founder and Clinical Director of Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, explains. This means that you may want to go on a lot of dates and form a true, emotional bond before you take things to the next level — and that’s completely normal.
“Most demisexual people would say they need to be in an intimate relationship before they engage in sexual contact that they find desirable,” Ted Lewis (they/them), Youth and Families Director at the Human Rights Campaign, says.
Can you be demisexual and also identify with another sexual orientation?
Yes! You can identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bi, or pan when it comes to your sexual attraction, and also be demisexual.
“Demisexual, asexual, [and] graysexual are all about a person’s capacity to have sexual attraction to another person,” Lewis explains. “So someone can be both demisexual and bisexual. They could be attracted to both men and women, but they really only want to engage in sexual contact after they have an emotional bond with someone.”
“People on the asexual spectrum commonly use hetero-, homo-, bi-, and pan- in front of the word romantic to describe who they experience romantic attraction to,” Miller adds. “For example, a person who is bi-romantic and demisexual might be attracted to people of a different sex or gender, but not in a sexual way unless they’ve formed an emotional connection.”
What are signs that you might be demisexual?
If you rarely ever feel sexually attracted to new people or people you’ve never met, you might be demisexual. Physical appearances and looks might not be what you’re initially drawn to — rather, you’re attracted to a person’s personality or your emotional compatibility with them.
“For demisexual folks, [the biggest sign] is usually the realization that they are looking for that emotional bond,” Lewis explains, “And it’s often when they’re in a relationship with someone where they realize, ‘Now I’m ready, or want to, or am feeling sexual desire for this person, but it’s because we have this emotional bond first.”
“It’s not uncommon for demisexual people to identify as asexual, and then once they get into those closer, emotional relationships, realize that demisexual is a better understanding of who they are,” Lewis adds.
Your relationships might start out as close friendships, which allow you to develop a connection with someone and, potentially, start to experience deeper, more romantic feelings for them. “Someone who is demisexual [might] have more success meeting people by joining clubs that interest them or getting involved in a community,” Dr. Katehakis says. “They really benefit from getting to know people firsthand.”
But even if you do form an emotional bond with someone, sexual attraction isn’t a guarantee. And there’s no set timeline for how long it takes to form a deeper connection with someone — everyone is different and every experience is valid.
“The first step is to listen to yourself and your feelings. Your sexuality is up to you to decide, because you know yourself best,” Miller shares. “You can do more research and find out that ‘demisexual’ is a good way to describe yourself — or, you may find another term that fits your feelings better. Give yourself time and space to explore what you are feeling.”
And while it might take you some time to be with someone physically, intimacy involves so much more than just sex. “I think one of the advantages of a long-term relationship is the friendship, since sex isn’t the most important thing over time,” Dr. Katehakis says. “It’s the getting to know each other that can really build attraction to someone.”
Is there a demisexual pride flag?
Yes! It’s very similar to the asexual pride flag. It features a black triangle on the left side, one white horizontal line, one purple, and one gray. Miller explains that the black represents the asexual community, the gray represents gray-asexuality and demisexuality, the white represents non-asexual partners and allies, and the purple signifies community.
Remember, you are not alone.
Lewis points to a 2019 report from the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, which found that 1.7 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people surveyed also identified on the asexuality spectrum. To learn more about the asexual community, they refer folks to the Human Rights Campaign and the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which offer many helpful resources for asexual, demisexual and graysexual people. You can also visit The Trevor Project’s website, which provides definitions, FAQs, and additional resources on understanding asexuality.
Another option is talking to a professional about your sexual identity. Learn about sex-positive therapists in your area at the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists (AASECT). If you have a parent or guardian that you trust, you can also ask them to come with you on your first visit, to make sure you’re comfortable and are receiving resources that work best for you.
And Ace Week occurs annually during the last week of October! It’s an international campaign dedicated to the asexual community, to expand education and awareness.
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