Dealing With Low Libido? Here’s How to Orgasm After Menopause

Jennifer Geddes
·11 min read

No more periods, cramping, bloating or PMS to ruin your mood—or your plans between the sheets? It may sound divine, but entering the menopausal phase of your life can also come with a few downsides. Among the less-than-sexy side effects of this major body change are a lowered libido, difficulty becoming aroused, painful intercourse and, worst of all, fewer orgasms. And because of these physical hindrances, women in their 50s, 60s and early 70s are having infrequent sex, as little as less than twice a month, according to a study from the New England Journal of Medicine.

But having an orgasm after menopause isn’t impossible. In fact, there are loads of ways to address the common symptoms of menopause that many women face so you can get your love game back on track and enjoy having sex with your partner again. For some help, we’ve got the lowdown on why reaching orgasm after menopause may be challenging, how to address painful sex you may experience and some savvy tips for improving your love life on the whole.

Related: Going Through Menopause? Here are 12 Strange Scary Things That Can Happen

Can a Woman Have an Orgasm After Menopause?

In a word—yes! Just because you may be entering menopause or you’ve already completed this stage doesn’t mean your ability to achieve orgasm has gone out the window. Whether you were used to vaginal orgasms in your pre-menopause life or, like most women, your climaxes arrived via clitoral stimulation, the ability to have an orgasm still exists.

And yet, as you may be finding out already, the many changes that menopause wreaks on a woman’s body can stand in the way of a satisfying sex life. Of course, the intimacy you’re experiencing in your 50s won’t be the same as it was when you were 25—and the changes you’re facing aren’t just physical in nature. You may be shifting gears in your work life, or you have kids that are heading to college or moving out. These milestone moments can impact you emotionally, affecting the way you and your partner approach sex and intimacy.

Related: 50 Menopause Quotes That Will Resonate

Reasons Orgasming After Menopause May Be Difficult

Every body is different, of course, which means menopause affects women—and their ability to achieve orgasm—in a variety of ways. For example, the symptoms your sister experiences may be different from the ones you’re dealing with. But for the most part, one or several of the following may be thwarting the pleasure you’re desperately seeking.

  • Less desire

  • Vaginal dryness (and elasticity) which equals pain

  • Urinary issues, including leakage, incontinence or the need to go

  • Trouble sleeping, stress and anxiety

  • Mood swings and irritability

  • Worry about aging and the changes it brings to the body

A woman’s sex steroid hormones are also in decline during menopause, says Julianne Arena, MD, an OB-GYN specializing in traditional and integrative healthcare. “One of these is estradiol, a form of estrogen that not only protects the bones and heart, but also the vagina,” she explains. As women get older, the vagina’s tissue and the clitoris have less estrogen and these factors can make having an orgasm challenging, she adds.

The body changes during menopause too, which may negatively affect your self-image, reports Leslie Apgar, MD, an OB-GYN. “Some women might not be comfortable carrying extra pounds around and this can be a barrier to intimacy and sexual satisfaction,” she explains. Anxiety may also increase with age, due to family and work demands. And certain medications that treat these feelings, like SSRIs, are well-known to mess with orgasm and libido, she continues.

Related: Everything You Need to Know About Vaginal Rejuvenation

How to Orgasm After Menopause

Addressing the reasons arousal and orgasm after menopause may be difficult can involve trial and error. But if both you and your partner work on the physical and emotional factors that are impeding your ability to find release, you’ll be well on your way to a happier sex life. Here’s how:

  • Take stock. “Since libido, intercourse and achieving orgasm are multilayered, start by asking yourself how you feel—tired, overweight, overwhelmed—and note what might be cluttering your mind as well, like those endless to-do lists,” says Dr. Arena. Checking in this way can help you address each concern and get at the root of the issues, she adds.

  • Chat with your doctor. “Hormones can be a game changer, whether they’re taken systemically, topically or even vaginally, though they depend on many factors that should be discussed with your physician,” says Dr. Apgar.

  • Lube up. Use a lubricant to fight vaginal dryness or a vaginal moisturizer every two to three days. Both products are easy to apply and available OTC. And whether you pick a DIY lubricant or topical bioidentical hormones, “use it from clitoris to anus—it makes a huge difference”, says Anna Cabeca, MD, OB-GYN and author of The Hormone Fix.

  • Try massage oil. A product called Zestra has also been shown to help the majority of women who used it in clinical trials. This oil floods your genital area with warmth, increasing desire, arousal and (let’s hope!) the number of orgasms you have.

  • Make time for you. Racing around from work to home to elder care and then back again is stressful, leaving you with little energy to focus on your sex life. Strive to create pockets of time during your week for a warm bath, a yoga session, reading or whatever brings you joy. The goal? A revived and refreshed mindset you can bring to your partner.

  • Work your pelvic muscles. A stronger pelvic floor can mean more intense orgasms, says Heather Jeffcoat, DPT, a doctor of physical therapy and the author of Sex Without Pain. “But muscle weakness in this part of the body isn’t just about doing Kegels all the time—there has to be a balance between flexibility and strength.” Her advice: Speak with a pelvic health physical therapist who can set up a program to match your needs.

  • Watch the alcohol. While a glass of wine can certainly be relaxing, too much alcohol can work against you. Nix the cocktail now and then and see if you notice a difference.

  • Get creative. Variety is the spice of life, or so the saying goes—which means you don’t have to have the same ol’ sex. We’re looking at you, missionary position (try it with you on top or spooning). Also mix things up between the sheets by using a vibrator, a clitoral stimulation device, watching an erotic movie or engaging in fantasy or role paying. Head outside to do the deed on a private beach, or book a room at a romantic inn.

  • Cut back on sex toys. “It sounds counterintuitive, but some women will need to stop using the vibrator for a while due to clitoral trauma,” explains Dr. Cabeca. Too much grinding on your lady parts can actually “deaden the nerves and decrease sensation.” Instead, Cabeca recommends a “feather-like touch to re-activate nerve endings.”

  • Talk about it. If what used to work for you isn’t cutting it, chat with your partner. It could be that penetration isn’t as desirable but oral stimulation is. “Feeling comfortable with your relationship, even if it’s with someone you’ve been with for decades, is key—so get that dialog going,” urges Cindy Duke, MD, PhD, an OB-GYN and virologist.

Related: Curious About Perimenopause?

Painful Sex After Menopause

Painful intercourse, which is officially called dyspareunia, is common in those who are postmenopausal, affecting about half of the women in this group. As mentioned, because of a drop in estrogen during menopause, vaginal walls thin out and become less pliable. Lubrication in this spot also decreases, which causes irritation, burning, itching and pain during penetration.

Infections in the vagina and urinary tract can also result in painful sex after menopause as can skin conditions like eczema, psoriasis and lichen sclerosus (LS), says Cynthia Wesley, MD, an OB-GYN and vulvar skin expert. “The key to controlling LS is early detection and intervention,” she adds. And other age-related medical conditions can negatively impact your sex life, such as uterine prolapse, past surgeries, back and hip pain and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

All of the experts here urge women to never put up with vaginal pain or any type of discomfort in the body. Address what’s bothering you by bringing it up with your doctor—and don’t settle if you’re not satisfied (get a second opinion, or even a third). “I always tell my patients that their diagnosis is not their destiny and their prescription is not their description,” shares Dr. Cabeca.

Related: Is Low Estrogen a Problem? Try These 15 Foods to Up Your Daily Intake

Tips for Better Sex After Menopause

Reviving your sex life after menopause isn’t an easy task for everyone, but it’s certainly possible if you work at it with your partner. Here’s what you can do to make intimacy more pleasurable:

  • Let it go. “Start by giving yourself some grace, especially since many of us are carrying around some extra COVID-19 pounds,” suggests Apgar. And take your time, urges Dr. Wesley. “In menopause, it may take a little longer to reach orgasm so don’t stress about it—just enjoy the ride,” she counsels.

  • Schedule the deed. Rushing is the enemy of orgasms at this age, says Beth Oller, MD, a family physician. “It can take longer to get aroused now so make sure you have the time to devote to sex,” she suggests. And foreplay is more important than ever, she adds, “and it’s smart to do some self-exploration to learn what helps you reach orgasm.”

  • Stand tall. Confidence is sexy, says Apgar. “I encourage women to step into their confidence and power and to be your own advocates.” Embrace your new body and desires and ignore what society may be telling you as well as what others think.

  • Set the mood. Whether this means a nice dinner out, a bubble bath for two, candles in the bedroom or wearing a set of fancy lingerie, focus on what feels right to you.

  • Get help. “Have an honest conversation with your doctor since there are treatment options for painful sex and orgasm after menopause that you might not have considered before,” says Apgar. “Women need to break down the barriers to talking about these intimacy issues and move these topics into mainstream conversations.” she adds.

  • Embrace the new you. “Know that your situation is normal and there’s nothing weird about what you’re feeling—even if you notice your sex drive is actually higher than it was before menopause,” says Dr. Duke. Yup—it can happen to some women.

  • Do your homework. Books, chat rooms, reputable health sites and more can all help you with tips and advice for this time of life change. Dr. Oller loves the empowering and informative book The Menopause Manifesto by Jennifer Gunter, as it offers “a wealth of information that debunks myths on menopause and reassures us this is not a disease.”

  • Keep at it. Don’t give up! “Blood flow is improved with frequent ‘exercise’—which means if you don’t use it, you will lose it,” offers Wesley. Why not get busy tonight?

If hot flashes and insomnia are getting you down, consider a change of diet. These nine superfoods are backed by experts.

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