How to Deal With Phone-Distracted Friends

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of "Today with Hoda and Jenna," share their best advice for dealing with social dilemmas.

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our "Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas" etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including how to deal with friends who never look up from their phones—below.

Want their advice on how to deal with a sticky social situation? Email them at modernmanners@realsimple.com and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.

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Dealing With Phone-Distracted Friends

Cindy asks: A pet peeve of mine is when I’m saying something to a friend, and the friend takes out their phone and begins scrolling or typing. I’m more of a listener than a talker, so it especially hurts when I’ve fully listened to a friend, then I start to speak and they turn their attention to their phone. I’m tempted to say, “Oh, am I boring you?” or “Would you and your phone prefer to be alone?” or just plain “It hurts my feelings when I talk and you take out your phone. Is it an emergency?” Advice needed.

Jenna Bush Hager: I would go with option C. Maybe say, “I love these catchups with you, but it hurts my feelings when you take out your phone. It makes me feel like I’m not important, and I really want to connect with you.”

Hoda Kotb: I was recently in this situation. It was a very intimate moment, and I tried to tee up the thing I wanted to say because my friend was on her phone. I finally put my hand on her leg and said, “Listen, I’m trying to tell you something that’s very meaningful to me, and you may be looking up something we were talking about, but I need you to be here with me for this.” Just don’t be snarky about it. Really, though, pulling out a phone is pretty much the equivalent of reading a magazine while someone is trying to talk to you.

JBH: It’s become a habit for a lot of people. I find that when I’m out with friends and wanting to connect, if somebody is on their phone, it just changes the entire vibe. And you can say that.

HK: It’s good to be honest. Clear is kind.

Neighbors Who Feed the Wildlife

Lisa asks: I have a neighbor who loves to feed the local wildlife. It makes a huge mess, and we’ve suffered property damage from the squirrels on our roof and the geese that leave droppings on our driveway. We’ve asked her not to feed them, but she doesn’t seem to get the message, or even understand that it’s not actually good for them. I’d hate to involve the homeowners association, and I love animals, but this has gone too far!

JBH: I think you write a letter. Writing is a form of communication that allows you to really get to the root of a lot of different things. Maybe explain that it’s not great for the wildlife, because she obviously loves the animals. Write a nice letter and leave it on her doorstep. It doesn’t need to be mean. Just write a compassionate letter that explains exactly this to her.

HK: I think this is a tough one because you have to live next door to her. I’d start the letter with “I think it’s lovely how much you care. You’re such a compassionate person, and”—don’t ever use the word “but”— “we’re just a little concerned about our family’s health.”

JBH: You can follow up if she doesn’t write back or bring it up. Ask her if she got your letter—that opens the door for a discussion in person.

Loans vs. Gifts

Corinne asks: About 23 years ago, my father-in-law generously helped my husband and me with a down payment so we could buy our first condo. Recently he asked us to return the money so he could help his daughter pay for the wedding of his granddaughter. He never indicated that it was a loan, and I was quite taken aback by this request. Help!

HK: I think you have to pay back the money. I know you were surprised by the request, but he’s not asking for himself. He’s asking so he can pay for his granddaughter’s wedding, which is really sweet. He gave it to you, and now he wants to help someone else.

JBH: Think about what that first apartment gave you—the freedom to save for other things. You can help give that same freedom to the newlyweds. If you don’t have all the money right now, maybe you can return it in installments.

Golfing Without the Chit-Chat

Carol asks: I love golf but find the constant talking annoying. I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding rude. One of my fellow golfers says I’m “passive aggressive.” Please help me find some neutral way of addressing this irritation. Or else I’m going to try earplugs.

HK: If you want to golf silently or with no communication, then maybe you should pick a group of people you’re not close to. When you go with friends, part of the outing is the social aspect, and the other part is the golf. If your friends are talking and it’s bugging you, you’re clearly about the golf, and they’re more about the fun.

JBH: I think putting in earplugs is definitely passive aggressive. You could golf by yourself if what you really want is just the golf with no community, because part of playing a sport with other people is talking.

HK: If this group isn’t for you, that’s OK. Maybe just find another group. A quieter group.

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