How to Deal With a Narcissist, According to Therapists

Fact checked by Nick Blackmer

Key Takeaways

• People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often have fragile egos, may not tolerate any form of criticism or failure, demand a lot of attention, and show a lack of empathy.

• When you're dealing with someone with NPD, the key is to set firm boundaries on things that you aren't willing to compromise on and remain consistent.

• When communicating your needs to people with NPD, experts recommend validating their feelings while establishing boundaries and offering a collaborative solution.
  

You might know a few people who only care for themselves, and the interactions between you have often left you feeling frustrated, upset, or inferior. They might have called you mean, selfish, thoughtless, or even narcissistic, but you realize they’re the ones exhibiting these behaviors. So, are they the narcissist?

Someone who exhibits narcissistic traits doesn’t necessarily have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A narcissist may behave in selfish ways, but someone with NPD is more than just selfish, according to Suraji Wagage, PhD, JD, a licensed clinical psychologist and co-founder and director of the Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness.

If you have a relationship with someone who has NPD, you might struggle to understand their behaviors. People who have NPD might engage in exploitative actions such as gaslighting and manipulation. Learning to recognize these tendencies can help you better cope with narcissistic behaviors and establish your own boundaries.

“A person with a narcissistic personality disorder may act like they think the world is a movie in which they’re the star, and everyone else is an extra,” Wagage told Verywell via an email.

Related: 'Gaslighting' Is the Word of the Year. How to Spot Its Common Signs

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), NPD is defined as a pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Someone with NPD may exaggerate their achievements, such as telling others they were top of the class back in the day or inflating their salary numbers to other people.

Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a Texas-based clinical psychologist at Infinite Recovery, said people with NPD may often use phrases like “I’m the most important person here,” “Nothing else matters except for me,” or “You don’t understand me. Nobody does.”

Narcissists may want excessive admiration and show an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment as if their mere presence simply called for it. They’re also likely to take advantage of others to get what they want and struggle to understand or empathize with others. They may also think others are envious of them.

The Difference Between Being Selfish and Narcissistic

Someone can be selfish without expecting the entire world to cater to their every whim because they think they’re superior. However, a person with NPD “will act in these ways consistently across situations,” Wagage said. A selfish person may be open to criticism and conversation, but someone with NPD may have “a fragile ego and may be unable to tolerate criticism or failure, and may react with rage or contempt towards others,” she added.

How Can You Set Boundaries?

If you want to raise your concerns or feelings with someone who displays narcissistic behaviors or has NPD, try to prepare yourself for the conversation ahead. Talking to yourself in a quiet place or in front of a mirror and walking through the conversation a few times to explore different scenarios will help you prepare and stay firm in your position, Wagage said.

If you’re willing to compromise on something, decide on it beforehand, so you’re prepared if the moment comes.

Since people with NPD struggle with a lack of empathy, they may see your boundaries or criticism as an attack on them. They may try to turn things around to hurt you. Creating a win-win situation is helpful, Wagage said, but “do not be swayed by attempts to push you off track, confuse or undermine you.”

In some cases, people with NPD can become agitated and try to blame you for your own feelings. Estevez said you can respond with something like this: “I understand that you’re feeling frustrated, but I won’t tolerate any kind of disrespect or manipulation from you. Let’s find a solution together so we can move forward.”

This response can validate their feelings while setting a clear boundary, and it also offers a collaborative solution, Estevez added.

You can also tone down a heated conversation by saying: “It seems like there is a misunderstanding here. Can we talk through it to figure out what has been causing the problem?”

Related: Is It Love, or Love Bombing?

What If They Don’t Want to Listen?

While you have control over what you say and how you say it, you don’t have control over how it’s received, Wagage said. You can, however, choose to walk away when the other party refuses to listen to you or harm you in any way.

Estevez said it can also be helpful to understand the underlying reason they’re rejecting your input instead of focusing on having a productive conversation. You can reestablish your boundaries by saying “I understand how you feel, but I need us both to remain respectful while discussing this.”

“If all else fails, it might be best to take some time away from the discussion until both parties are able to come back in a more positive frame of mind,” Estevez said.

Read Next: These 9 Online Couples Therapy Providers Can Help Restore Harmony and Balance

What This Means For You

It’s important to be able to recognize narcissistic behavior and the signs of a narcissistic personality disorder. Understanding more of their behavior and setting firm, clear boundaries can help you navigate your relationships with them and decide if you need to remove yourself from a potentially harmful relationship or situation.