My Daughter Wants to Spend Christmas With Her Monster of a Father. I’m Furious.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My 25-year-old daughter wants to spend Christmas with her dad (my ex-husband), and I am hurt and angry with her decision, and don’t know if I should speak to her or keep the peace. Four years ago, her dad left me after 28 years of marriage. In the six months prior, our daughter, who had left home to go to college, broke down with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. She could not cope on her own and had to move back home and had to leave her studies to go into intensive psychiatric treatment. She was devastated and so was I. When she was at her lowest, her dad blindsided me by announcing that he was divorcing me because he “was not happy and he thought he could become happy” (with his secret affair partner of a couple of years, as I soon found out). Asked what he thought that timing would do to our daughter, he replied “Oh I haven’t thought about her at all,” and then he left.

To say that I hate him would be an understatement. The divorce was acrimonious, and I came out of the marriage with nothing thanks to my sly ex. My daughter got better with a lot of help from me and doctors and is studying again, and to help reduce the risk of her breaking down again, I pay her rent and living expenses from my meager salary, leaving me with next to nothing, while her well-paid dad contributes nothing. Now my daughter has announced that she wants to spend Christmas with her dad (and his affair partner) and her grandparents. I am so hurt and angry by her decision and feel all my sacrifices are taken for granted, while her absolute villain of a dad gets the love and family time he does not deserve. In my weakest moments, I want to withdraw my financial support and let her realize what she can get from her dad (but that would make me the cartoon villain), and at my best I feel like I have to continue supporting her without expecting anything in return. What can I do to feel better about her decision?

—Christmas Grinch

Dear Christmas Grinch,

You’re not going to like my answer, but here it is anyway. I have no reason to doubt your assertion that your ex is a complete jerk and that he caused you immense pain. In fact, I understand and respect the fact that you hate him. The problem I have is that you want your daughter to hate him too, and that simply isn’t fair.

At the end of the day, this man is her father, and your daughter has every right to build and maintain a relationship with him despite what you think of him. Yes, you’re angry—but it would be petty to withdraw your financial support on the spot just because your ego is bruised, and by what you mentioned in your letter, I think you realize that.

However, that doesn’t mean you should continue to financially support an able-bodied adult indefinitely. I would give her six months to continue to stabilize and come up with a plan to support herself as much as possible. Additionally, I would also relay the fact to your deep-pocketed ex that you cannot and will not continue bankrolling her life after that point—if your daughter continues to need significant financial support, it’s time for him to step up.

I hope you don’t find my response to be insensitive because I know how much it must suck to witness bad people get away with murder, so to speak. My main point is that she has the right to spend time with her dad and that’s something you must accept—even if you fantasize hourly about him getting hit with a satisfying dose of karma.

Also keep in mind that your daughter doesn’t love you any less just because she’s hanging out with him during Christmas. Just do your part to be the best mom you can be and know that she will appreciate and love you for it—and likely even more as the years go on—no matter what your ex is doing.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I recently (3 weeks ago) had our second baby. While preparing, the thing I struggled most with was leaving our first (18 months, female) at home with my in-laws for the two nights I’d be in the hospital, as they require a support person to stay with you after C-section and I didn’t have a good option I would feel comfortable with besides my husband. Our daughter loves grandma and grandpa and I knew they would provide good care and were glad to do it, but the hormones and mom guilt were definitely getting to me, especially because I hadn’t spent a full night away from her yet.

Everything went well and we were back home 48 hours later. When we got home, my daughter gave me a quick hug and peeked at the baby, then ran back over to my MIL and sat with her, which I found to be a perfectly appropriate toddler response. My MIL said, “Oh, it’s okay sweetie, you can sit with grandma. I know you’re mad at mommy right now for leaving you then coming back with a new baby” and told me that she asked about where I was a lot in the two days we were gone. I didn’t find that to be an appropriate or helpful response. I didn’t react or say anything then, but I cried in the shower later and told my husband how much it had hurt me, even while knowing it was perfectly in line with how my MIL is. While extremely sensitive herself, she seems to have no common sense or ability to filter anything that comes out of her mouth, which commonly results in statements like “Oh, that’s just mom/Marie/MIL, you know how she is, she didn’t mean it like that,” after her latest thoughtless statement.

Well, three weeks later, even knowing that she didn’t mean to hurt me and that she will have a dramatic response to finding out she did (there would definitely be tears and begged apologies), I still find myself very hurt by that statement and with way too much awake time each day to think about it. I know “that’s just Marie,” but I don’t think it would be bad for her to find out that just being herself sometimes hurts the people around her. I find myself wanting to tell her how thoughtless it was and to hear that she’s sorry, which she would be. Is this just postpartum hormones and more time will calm it down? After years of “that’s just Marie,” is it impossible/pointless to point out that Marie is kind of insensitive?

—Hormonal, Tired, and Upset

Dear Upset,

I’m not a woman, so I can’t comment on the hormonal part of this. But I certainly have a take on your MIL’s behavior: What she said to your daughter was obviously insensitive and uncalled for, and I think you are well within your rights to bring it to her attention and ask for an apology.

During my anti-racism workshops, I always tell my participants that the impact of saying something offensive is always more important than the intent of the person saying it. Who cares if “that’s just Marie being Marie”? If her behavior hurts you—and it sounds like this isn’t the first time—she needs to know about it. And I certainly wouldn’t make excuses for her such as, “Maybe I’m just being emotional because of my hormones.” Again, I’m nowhere near being postpartum, and I would be offended if someone said something similar about me to my kid.

Tell her how you feel, and if your husband or anyone in your circle tries to brush it under the rug, you can feel free to borrow my favorite anti-gaslighting line—“My feelings about this are not up for debate.” If you’re firm enough with your MIL and your family, they should fall in line and be more conscious of their words and more considerate of your feelings going forward.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 4-year-old daughter is in JK, in a split JK/SK class of 32 kids (with one teacher and one educational assistant). She consistently mentions two JK boys (and one in particular) who hit, push, and kick her and other classmates—it seems to be a daily occurrence. The other day when I picked her up, she was in tears after having been kicked and pushed by one of them. I raised this with the teacher and she acknowledged the problem and claims the school is in communication with the children’s parents. But it doesn’t seem anything is being done to prevent these kids from hitting other children; this has been going on for three months. My husband wants to move our child to another school, but this seems drastic to me! I know it’s normal to some extent for 4-year-olds to have trouble controlling their impulses, but it’s not okay that my kid is being hit. What should we do? How should the school be addressing this? I’d like to talk to the principal but I’m not sure what I should be asking her to do. I’m also considering reaching out to the hitting children’s parents but I’m not sure how that will be received or if it would accomplish anything.

—Protective Parent

Dear Protective Parent,

I appreciate the fact that you’re probably a much nicer person than I am, because if this happened to any of my kids, I would be in that principal’s face on a daily basis until something was done about those handsy kids. Not only that, I would also contact the parents of the aforementioned kids and make them aware that this is completely unacceptable. If you’re dealing with reasonable people, then that should be the end of it.

That said, if you take those actions and nothing changes, you may need to take your husband’s suggestion and leave the school altogether. You may think that’s drastic, but looking at the bigger picture, why would you want your child in a place where you bring up your concerns about her physical safety and they do absolutely nothing about it? It’s sad to say that not all schools take bullying and violence as seriously as they should, and I wouldn’t fault you for looking elsewhere if that’s what it comes down to.

Your primary job is to protect your child, especially because she’s at the age where she can’t effectively protect herself. Don’t worry about offending the principal, teacher, or the other parents—just hit all of them with that Mama Bear Energy and demand that they do better. No child should have to endure physical violence in a learning environment.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old daughter really wants a dog, and I want to surprise her with a puppy for Christmas. The problem is that my husband really doesn’t want a dog, but his reasons aren’t good ones. I’m a stay-at-home mom (we also have a 3-year-old son) and I would be the one responsible for the feedings, walks, and other dog care tasks, so I don’t see what the problem is. Should I just go for it without his approval? I think he will learn to love the dog in time and it would make our daughter incredibly happy.

—Forgiveness Over Permission

Dear Forgiveness,

Sorry, but I can’t sign off on this. The forgiveness over permission thing works when we’re talking about toppings on a pizza, not a 15+ year commitment to care for a living creature. Also, it’s incredibly dismissive to say that your husband’s reasons aren’t good ones. If he’s the sole breadwinner, maybe he’s concerned about the added financial responsibility of having a dog such as grooming, veterinary bills, food, boarding for when you go on family vacations, etc. I don’t know for sure why he’s against having a dog, but without even talking to the guy, I can bet that it’s not because he wants to make you and your daughter unhappy.

Not to mention, going behind his back to make a family-altering decision like this could irreparably damage the trust in your marriage. Is the risk worth it to you? I don’t think it should be. Instead, you should sit down with him and go over all of the pros and cons and do your best to come to a compromise on this. Maybe you’ll decide that the time isn’t now, but it could be in a couple of years from now when your daughter is a teenager and is ready to take on more responsibilities. Just please resist the urge to go rogue if you want to maintain peace in your home.

—Doyin

My friend “David” won’t stop critiquing my interior decorating choices, and it is driving me crazy.   We’ve been friends for over 10 years. Generally he is a good friend, although he can be quite selfish and “always in the right.” I am about to buy my first apartment, and I’m extremely excited about decorating and furnishing it. I’d say I have good taste and like a midcentury modern style. David has a similar apartment with a more contemporary, stark style that I think is boring (but I politely say looks nice). David is obsessed with telling me how my new flat should be. He sends me layouts with where the furniture should go and the furniture I should choose. And when I share photos of things I like, he tells me they’re wrong.