My Daughter Slept With My Granddaughter’s Boyfriend. All Hell Has Broken Loose.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My family blew up recently. My granddaughter “Evelyn” is 20 years old, attending a local college, and was dating this guy. That relationship ended, because she caught her boyfriend in bed with her mother, “Mia.” Evelyn moved out of her mother’s home and in with me, and has gone no contact with her mother. I am extremely disappointed and disturbed by my daughter’s conduct. But as mad and as disappointed as I am, I do want to continue to have a relationship with her, if only to get a clear answer as to why she did something so awful.
This isn’t good enough for Evelyn, though. Over the past few weeks, she’s basically been trying to round up the entire family to go no contact with Mia, and has adopted a very “with me or against me” sort of attitude about all of this. I get it. She’s very young, and she was grievously betrayed. But it rankles to have a guest in my home telling me who I can and cannot associate with. On the other hand, I sort of agree with her. This is the worst thing Mia’s ever done. But it’s not the first time I’ve been taken aback by something my daughter has done. If it was just a choice of who I want to spend time with, Evelyn is the clear choice, but I resent her putting me in this position. What can I do here?
—Just Want a Peaceful Retirement
Dear Just Want a Peaceful Retirement,
I doubt that Mia is going to be able to give you a “clear answer” about why she betrayed her daughter in the way she did; I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping for that. But of course, you are the only one who can decide whether to cut off your daughter, and your granddaughter shouldn’t be demanding that you do so. Tell Evelyn that you love her and are happy to have her stay with you, but you aren’t prepared to become permanently estranged from your child, and that’s your choice to make.
It may also be worth talking with Evelyn about why she’s pushing you to choose between her and her mother. You seem to think she’s being vindictive, but could there be something else going on here? Is there a history of family members not sticking up for Evelyn when her mother did things that hurt her, making excuses for her mother’s behavior, or telling her that she needs to get over it? Is Evelyn perhaps worried that if you still talk to Mia, the things Evelyn says to you might get repeated to her mother? Is she afraid that Mia will convince you and the rest of the family to take her side, leaving her isolated when she’s already facing the loss of at least one, maybe two important relationships?
Expecting people to cut off her mother as proof that they can be trusted might seem reactive and unreasonable. But if it’s really coming from a place of fear and insecurity regarding who she can trust, maybe you can talk about and try to address those underlying worries with Evelyn, even if you can’t and don’t want to cede your right to make your own decisions about being in contact with your daughter.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has had a strained relationship with his father, who divorced his mother and later remarried a woman close to our age, adding three more young children to the family. They show little interest in us or our children, rarely visiting or remembering birthdays, etc. Despite this, there’s an expectation from my now retired father-in-law and his wife, who is not employed, that we provide financial support, though they contribute little towards a meaningful relationship with us. This has led to a breakdown in family relations, fueled by complaints and gossip to my husband’s other siblings and their wives when we don’t meet these financial expectations. How do we navigate these complex family and financial expectations, and establish boundaries while protecting our peace?
—Unhappy Daughter-in-Law
Dear Unhappy DIL,
Even if you and your husband had a better relationship with his father and stepmother, providing financial assistance in their retirement would be a kind or generous thing, but not compulsory. The two of you have talked about this at length, I assume, and made the decision you feel is right for you. Many factors have played a role in that, including your own family’s financial and care needs, whether you have the money to spare, and, yes, the nature of your relationship with your husband’s father.
Like all of us, your father-in-law is human and flawed, and he’s made choices over the years that have had a lasting impact on his life and his relationships with others. I think your husband owes it to himself to make sure he’s done all he can to face and process what happened in the past, so he isn’t holding onto more pain than he needs to and hurting himself in the process. But you two are not personally responsible for the choices your father-in-law made, his comfort, or his future happiness.
Discuss and decide how much (if any) information you want to provide to either your husband’s father or his siblings about your decision not to give your father-in-law money—maybe your husband will want to explain his reasoning to them; maybe he’d prefer to keep that private. You can’t control how anyone else in the family feels about your choices. But you still have the right to make them, and others don’t have to agree in order to accept them. This is your call to make, and ultimately, you’re the only ones who need to be able to understand and feel at peace with it.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are in our middle-age slog. We bought a starter house in our mid-thirties, about 10 years ago. Between kids, COVID, unexpected career turns, and oh, that pesky inflation and housing crunch, we’re not where we thought we’d be with housing at this stage. We’ve got three kids in a two-bedroom, and don’t expect afford more where we live any time soon. Our house is a condo, so we’ve already expanded into every space we possibly can. My husband feels like he’s letting our kids down by having them in this unconventional (for Americans) space. On the other hand, I love that our costs are so low, and I love our location and the community we’ve got here. I do feel his frustrations, but feel the upsides are huge. Not to mention that all of our friends and family also live in overpriced cities. We have no one to move to who lives happily in a low-cost area. Doing research on Zillow on “lower cost” areas, I have found that if folks want to live where there are good public schools, suddenly those areas aren’t so cheap!
Yes, I wish things were different, but overall, I’ve made my peace with the fact that our kids just may grow up like this permanently, and I think there’s plenty to love about it. Frankly, I really don’t want to live in a lonely driving suburb where schools aren’t great just for a bigger house. My husband is clearly upset with how things are working out, but when he proposes places to move, I end up doing the research and realize just how complicated it is! This keeps coming up every time he compares us with the Joneses. How can we move forward concretely and feel at peace with our decisions?
—Priced Out Everywhere, but Grateful to Be Somewhere
Dear Priced Out,
I hope your husband can realize that the odds are stacked in so many ways against families without ridiculous wealth, and it’s not his fault or yours that you feel kind of stuck where you are right now. I don’t think he should beat himself up about it. But I also kind of doubt that you’ll be able to talk him out of his disappointment by reminding him to look on the bright side? It’s up to him to deal with his feelings in ways that are healthy or at least not harmful, but he still gets to have them.
You’re not wrong to be okay where you are, and your husband’s not wrong to want to move. There are real complications with either option. Try to acknowledge what the other person is thinking and feeling as you talk about your priorities—space, affordability, schools, everything else—and then make the best decisions you can based on the facts. As you continue to discuss where to live, what expenses to assume, how to best provide for your kids, etc., remember that you’re a team (and, as you point out, there is a lot of good in your current situation). Hopefully you can find a way to acknowledge both the challenges and possibilities and move forward together, even if your feelings don’t fully align.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I have adult children. He is retired, while I work full-time from home. His daughter thinks nothing of dropping off her 3-year-old and 4-year-old with us with zero notice. We could be getting into the car and she will block the driveway and let the boys go crazy because they want to see PopPop. My partner always folds like a cheap suit because his daughter is going through a divorce and his ex died several years back. Even if I close my office door, the chaos will spill out because my partner can’t manage both boys without letting the house get destroyed.
My sympathy has waned because his daughter shows absolutely no respect for anyone’s time or space. Half the time, we don’t know where she is or when she is coming back, and our requests for a schedule get blown off. And it makes the boys very anxious. Last time, my partner and I had tickets for an afternoon play. His daughter dropped the boys off and we had a fight right there and then. My partner tried to keep the peace by saying we could exchange them for another show. I went without him. I don’t want to end our relationship, but I don’t see any solutions here.
—Lost in Louisiana
Dear Lost,
I get why you’re frustrated. Maybe your partner and his daughter have the kind of relationship where she can visit unannounced. That’s one thing—but expecting you to drop everything and babysit on no notice is another. Tell your partner how hurt you are by the lack of consideration, and propose a compromise: You two can babysit on super short notice in an emergency, but otherwise any childcare favors should be planned ahead of time.
Make sure your partner knows how serious you are about needing him to establish better boundaries with his daughter, while stressing that you care about their relationship and want to support it. You brought up ending your relationship with your partner over this, so it seems that this might be a dealbreaker for you. In the end, he’s the only one who can decide whether or not to draw some lines with his daughter, but he should at least understand that how he deals with her is having an impact on you and your relationship.
—Nicole
My wife lets our 4-year-old son pee on the tree in the yard when he’s outside playing, rather than having to go inside. I think it’s weird. She says that’s what boys do. I certainly was not raised to just pee where I wanted, unless it was an emergency and there wasn’t a bathroom around. I know he’s young, but I’d prefer to not let this become a habit. Is this a battle I should keep fighting?
