My Daughter Is the School’s Recluse. She’s Repeating My History.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is neurodivergent and still adjusting to a new school, even though we have been living here for about nine months. She had many friends at her old school, but for months now, she hasn’t played with anyone at recess or eaten with anyone during lunchtime. I had one or two years like this and got over it (I am most likely also neurodivergent). I don’t think this will get better this year and even my daughter says it may be the same next year. Do I need to make more of an effort to help her to socialize after school? Would that help her? I am introverted and recently left a toxic work environment and am burnt out. My daughter is an extrovert.

—Mulling Over Socializing in Maryland

Dear Mulling,

Yes, you probably need to make an effort, even though it’s uncomfortable. You don’t say how old your daughter is, but early elementary age is full of parents asking themselves the same question as you. So, take a leap of faith and reach out to the parents around you. If your daughter can’t pinpoint specific kids she’d like to get to know better, ask the teacher. See if they can offer any suggestions of kids that seem to get along better with your daughter, or who could be possible fits in terms of disposition or interests.

This doesn’t all have to be on you, though. Consider using your daughter’s individualized education plan (IEP) to your advantage, presuming she has one, by including social therapy in her plan. If that’s not something the school is willing or able to provide, you may be able to find local therapists and occupational therapy practitioners who offer small-group social therapy that would benefit your daughter. Whether you are neurodivergent or shy, it can be really hard to make friends. But like any other skill, it can be learned and practiced. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My partner and I have been together since 2014. When we met, I warned her that I had been battling opiate addiction since 1998, which started with being over-prescribed due to an injury. I was definitely at one of the lowest points in my life. In hindsight, she obviously was as well. She jumped right into my wreck of a life, despite the warning. Somehow, despite the odds, we managed to get clean together and move away from a lifestyle that included habitual drug use. During COVID, we moved in together and she started going to school for her master’s degree in psychology. At some point, she discovered I had an Adderall prescription, which was provided in conjunction with my opioid use disorder meds, to help avoid any relapses. This approach worked and I used the medication as directed. My partner expressed interest in getting on Adderall as well, but I cautioned her that it could become a Pandora’s box if she wouldn’t be able to be honest with herself about her ability to police her own intentions and impulse to abuse it.

Fast forward four years, and sadly, I’ve watched her spiral to a point of complete brokenness. The strain it’s put on our relationship as well as how it’s affected my son has me feeling bitter and resentful. After an intervention with her family and years of badgering her, she has finally decided to go to an intensive outpatient program. They want her to go inpatient, but she’s dragging her feet. I’ve reached a point where I’m ready to pull the plug on our relationship for my own sanity and my son’s, but I feel guilty that I may be abandoning her in a time of need. I know people must walk that journey for themselves and feel if she does it to alleviate consequences it won’t be worth much anyhow. Am I selfishly overreacting for wanting to leave?

—Confused in Somewhere Other Than The Calabasas

Dear Confused,

Congratulations on your sobriety, and I’m sorry for the situation you and your partner are in. In a word, no, you are not selfish for wanting to leave. Not only have you been living with a self-destructive partner for the last few years, but you’ve done so while maintaining your own sobriety, which I imagine has not been easy. On top of that, you have a son to whom you owe as stable a home as you can provide. Sad as it may be to leave someone you care about when they need you most, I do think there are times when a person just can’t stay. Is this one of those times? I don’t know, maybe.

Before you decide, take full stock of the situation. Are you certain that the relationship has reached the point of no return? If she were to get sober, is there a world in which you’d want to stay with her? What is your son’s relationship with your partner and what would it look like for that relationship to stay intact, even if your romantic relationship ends? I’m not trying to talk you in or out of the decision, but I want to encourage you to be sure you’ve thought about it from all angles and that you aren’t just making your choice out of in-the-moment fatigue.

If this is truly the right decision for you and your son, then be as kind as you can. Do it at a time when you know she is sober and/or lucid and think about who you could call afterward—a best friend or family member of hers—to support her if needed. Accept with grace that you might end up being the bad guy in her, and her family’s, narrative. And seek professional help to talk through what is likely to be an emotionally laden period of your life; Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are two places you can go for peer support, as well. Good luck.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

This is a weird question but what is the best attitude to have about passing gas in a household with children? My partner and I are hoping to have a baby in the next year or two and this is something I randomly thought about when imagining daily life with a child. Despite having been together for close to a decade, my partner and I are fairly private about bodily noises around each other; when we are in the same room I try to avoid making any noise if I have to pass gas (though I don’t worry about it if we are in separate rooms and he is not likely to hear me). I don’t want a potential child to grow up thinking normal bodily functions are shameful, but I HATE “potty humor” and don’t want my kid to be the one making fart noises all the time for a laugh. Obviously, we will impart that if you make a noise with your body in public you should say, “Excuse me,” but what about at home? Should that be a safe space for passing gas without fear of consequence, or is it better to continue to enforce that some things should be kept as private as possible? I grew up in a pretty intellectually open environment, but my family was very private about any and all body-related matters so I’m not totally sure what the norm is.

—Excuse Me!

Dear Excuse Me,

Generally, I think it’s up to families to determine their own “culture” around these kinds of things. You can be a farting family or a silent family, a shower-in-front-of-toddlers family or a close-the-door family, a pee-with-the-door-open family or a privacy-please family. None of those are any better or worse than their alternatives. An easy way to parent this without making it a big deal is to frame it the way you did to me—as a personal preference rather than a universal rule. So, instead of telling your kids flat-out that farts are gross, you just say, “It’s fine if you think fart jokes are funny, but they make me uncomfortable, so no fart jokes in this house, please.” Similarly, once you’re a parent, you’ll know when your kid lets a fart escape on accident and when it’s done on purpose; you can address each of those appropriately in the moment. (However, I wouldn’t hold a child accountable for passing gas privately until about first grade or so; they won’t have that much body awareness before then.)

I loved to read my kids picture books that talked about bodily functions in a factual yet lighthearted way. It made the subject less taboo, which made it easier for me to discuss with and coach my kids. The Holes in Your Nose, The Gas We Pass and Everyone Poops are classics, but your library will have tons of options. In fact, when I was grabbing these links for you, I found this book, and this one, too! So, you’ll have plenty of choices that can help you determine and articulate your family’s policy on gas. (I’m sure you’re thrilled.)

Also, I’m a parenting book junkie. I was reading about parenting long before I became a mom, and I know those books helped me proactively figure out what kind of parenting style I’d want to have. So, if this conundrum is something that truly stymies you, grab some books on body- and sex-positive parenting, like Growing Up Great and Sex-Positive Talks to Have With Kids. And don’t worry; in my experience, having kids throws you into the deep end of all kinds of experiences around the human body. I’m sure you’ll find your way naturally via the trial-by-fire nature of childrearing.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I live in an apartment building in New York City. On a near daily basis, from inside my apartment with the door closed, I hear screaming from the parents and wailing and crying from the young girls next door. The parents berate and verbally abuse the young girls (3ish and 6ish): “You are a monster!” “You are the reason this family is unhappy!” “What were you thinking?” “Why the hell would you do that?” “You ruined a perfectly good evening!” It’s distressing and I am often reduced to tears. The parents go on and on and team up against the little girls.

What can be done? I’ve called Child Protective Services (CPS) but they have failed to intervene. I’ve spoken to the super and he says there’s nothing he can do. I’ve asked the parents if the family could please be quiet(er) in the hallway, and they’ve screamed at me in response. My heart breaks for the little girls, but I have no desire to befriend the family in an effort to help. I can only imagine the psychological toll this is taking on the children and how their future is being compromised. Please help.

—Nothing Witty Here

Dear Witty,

This is a heartbreaking letter. I don’t know the timelines, obviously, but New York’s Child Protective Services has up to 60 days to investigate your report and rule it “indicated” or “unfounded,” so it’s possible that an investigation is still ongoing. Additionally, there are many options that lie between doing nothing and removing the children from the home, so it’s also possible that CPS has other interventions underway that you wouldn’t be privy to.

If the abuse continues, particularly if it escalates in severity, I don’t think there’s any rule against calling CPS again. You can even ask the person you speak to for guidance on when/whether repeat reports are constructive.

Ultimately, this might be all you can do, which I know is demoralizing. At the risk of offering you a trite suggestion, but in an effort to give you something to work with, consider this story: Eight years ago, my friend posted encouraging signs on her fence for the middle schoolers who walked past her property on the way to school. (Think messages like, “You have a voice, you are powerful,” and “You are smarter than you think.”) While I’m sure some kids derided them, she received multiple written and verbal comments of appreciation—enough that she has continued the practice ever since. Maybe there are subtle, anonymous opportunities like this to remind your little neighbors that there is joy in the world and that they have value. And if, ultimately, you cannot help these girls, which may well be the case, let this galvanize you to be a champion for someone else the next time you are capable. Be well.

—Allison

I have three boys: a teenager, tween, and toddler. The toddler is about as demanding of attention as a toddler usually is. The teenager has mental health issues and requires more attention than the toddler most days. That leaves my tween…