My Daughter Has the Same Physical “Flaw” I Did Growing Up. It’s Breaking My Heart.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My beautiful, thoughtful, creative, funny 7-year-old daughter happens to have fair skin and dark body hair, and more and more kids are commenting on it. Sometimes this is mean-spirited (“You must be a boy”), sometimes it is an observation (“You have a lot of hair on your arms”), but either way, it upsets her. I remind her that she is perfect as is, that everyone has hair, and that people shouldn’t comment on other’s bodies, but none of this stops it from hurting her feelings. Recently she even asked me if I could wax her face after someone mentioned her upper lip!
It breaks my heart that my wonderful daughter is already facing this nightmare in the first grade; I went through a similar thing as a kid (genetics!) and I know it really sucks and created my own issues with my body hair. I expect this will only get worse as she has pressure to shave her legs, etc. Is there a script for me to help her get through this, and more importantly, a script for her when kids comment on her hair?
—Hairy and Helpless
Dear Hairy,
I don’t think there is “a script” but you can certainly craft one. Coming up with rejoinders to people is a favorite pastime for me in this column, so I took the liberty of drafting your daughter a few ideas:
—“You must be a boy.” “(scoff) Thank God I’m not!”
—“You must be a boy.” “So you must be a girl, then?”
—“You have a lot of hair on your arms.” “So do you, duh. (eyeroll)”
—“You have a lot of hair on your arms.” “OK (stares at them).”
I also think there’s real power in kids telling other kids that their comments don’t feel good. That’s not a tactic to use with bullies, but it can work wonders with friends who make insensitive observations.
As to what you say to your daughter, validating how much it sucks to hear these things is really important. Share your past experiences and reaffirm that her body is fine just as it is. Depending on your kid, you might find it helpful to read up on, and share, some of the history of how all the (arbitrary) expectations for women came to exist in today’s culture—for that, I recommend Pink Think by Lynn Peril. And for inspiration for how to fortify yourself, and your daughter, against those expectations, try The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor.
But also, consider whether you would let her address the body hair issue if she wanted to. I know that 7 may seem really young to think about things like shaving and bleaching (I can’t imagine that that would have flown back in the 80s when I was a kid) and I’m sure I’ll get lots of letters about this. But this same topic came up in my neighborhood mom group on social media a few months ago with a girl the same age as your daughter, so I went back and reviewed the conversation. The overwhelming response from moms like you was to let the girl shave or bleach if it was truly something that was making her miserable. Some women pointed out that if we are teaching kids about bodily autonomy and being confident in their appearances and clothes, then our kids deserve to have agency in this area, too. Others pointed out that their parents’ arbitrary age limits for when they could shave made them feel alone and not listened to. Many women recounted their decades-long hangups with body hair, resulting from what childhood peers said to them, and how they wish they could have just dealt with the hair back when they were kids. One woman commented about how it was interesting that we put braces on our kids’ teeth for cosmetic reasons but shy away from other appearance-driven body changes, which I thought was an interesting point. And another mom recommended the book Laxmi’s Mooch to reinforce that hair is natural and normal.
My takeaway is this: It absolutely sucks that society dictates what a person is “supposed” to look like, and that kids learn this lesson at such a young age. I think we are getting better, but we aren’t there yet. It’s not fair that your daughter is getting teased and feeling embarrassed for how her body was built, but she also doesn’t necessarily have to grin and bear it because she’s “too young.” Solutions to these issues should be specific to what an individual child needs, and what you’re comfortable with. And you can teach body acceptance while also buying razors, if that’s what you choose now or in the future. All the options are open to you. Hugs to your girl.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I (45, she/her) really need an outside perspective here. I have close friends with three daughters, and their soon-to-be uncle is creeping me out. I find he pays an unusual amount of attention to the girls. He will pick them up a lot, cuddle on a couch, link fingers, hold hands with them, have their feet in his lap, etc. This is while all the others guys are hanging out in the kitchen for extended times, not just a quick hug. The girls are ages 7 to 14 and I can’t find a reason this is normal. I have brought up creepy behavior to the mom in general, and I know she has taken abuse training for her job and is aware of and in the room for all these interactions. I don’t see them all together very often and am always creeped out to the point where I ask the girls to do something different or have them bring me to another room to chat with the kids.
He pays more attention to the kids than his fiancé, in my observations, and will hang out with them over the adults in the room (he is in his mid-thirties). Should I specifically talk to the parents? If I say something, how would I phrase that without calling him a creep? Mind my own business, as this can just be another type of normal affection? It could be cultural (southeast Indian) or my own high radar working with abused kids. The kids aren’t showing any withdrawal, unhappiness or signs of abuse. I have met a lot of creepy people in my day and my instincts are going haywire. His fiancé also works in a daycare in a senior position. I don’t want to be unfair to him, maybe he is awkward with adults, or tank our happy friendship group, but willing to do anything if the kids are at risk.
—Creeped Out in Cleveland
Dear Creeped Out,
Yes, some of this could be chalked up to an awkward adult feeling like a fish out of water in a new friend group, and some of it can also be attributed to someone who genuinely enjoys kids. (Breaking into an established friend group is really hard, especially if you don’t have much in common with everyone, whereas kids tend to take charge of the socializing and all you have to do is follow along.) But I agree that if I were witnessing some of the physical behavior you mention, my spidey senses would ping, too.
Obviously, I can’t tell you whether you’re right to be concerned. But I think if you’re truly good friends with their mom, there is a way to bring this up without causing fallout. The trick is to speak with humility and concern and leave the next steps to her. Find a time when you can have a one-on-one conversation; preface it by saying that you might be totally off-base, but that you’ve noticed some things that have gotten your hackles up, and you wanted to mention them out of an abundance of caution. Calmly describe what you’ve seen and why, based on your training, it concerns you. If she responds that you’re way off, you can gracefully say that you hope she’s right but you wanted to be super safe, just in case.
Sometimes it can be hard to see problems that are closely attached to us, even when we have professional expertise like your friend does. That is exactly why close friends who can point out our blind spots are valuable. Remember, though, that even if you’re right, your friend might not agree or believe you. But by bringing it up, you’ve hopefully made her more vigilant; that may be all you can do at this point. If you have more concerns or want another gut check, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a hotline and live chat you can consider tapping into.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 3-going-on-4-year-old consistently hits my husband and me. He’s generally developmentally on track and displays a lot of empathy. He seems bright and since he’s an only child gets a lot of attention from us. He’s not hitting his peers or teachers at preschool. This isn’t in the context of a full-blown tantrum, more often around limits (saying no to requests to tape a ripped page right before bed or when we insist he needs eczema cream). And he more readily does it to my husband, although if we’re alone, then he’s happy to hit me. The gentle parenting world suggest physically restraining him when he does this, but he’s big and strong and I don’t know if I physically can. So sometimes I remove myself from the situation, but advice I’ve read suggests that’s not a good idea. I need help understanding why he’s doing this and some helpful tactics for getting though this stage without real injury and that also won’t make me feel like I’m the warden of a dangerously outmoded psych ward.
—Parent Not Punching Bag
Dear Parent,
Toddlers typically hit others because they do not have the vocabulary and emotional regulation to express their feelings. It’s common for kids this age to behave perfectly well at school, and then make a complete 180 at home. Your son might be using all his self-control at school and is spent by the time he gets home. (The positive side to this, of course, is that he feels safe enough with you and your husband to act out at home, knowing you love him no matter what.) It’s also possible that he expects to get his way at home, being an only child, whereas at school he is one of many kids, so everyone has to compromise. All of this is perfectly normal.
When younger toddlers hit, the conventional advice is to give a verbal correction and an immediate consequence (even if that means you walking away). You want to extinguish the behavior by starving the kid of your attention. For older kids, though, you can start to bring in more language to help them process the situation; with my son, that started around 4 years old. I would interrupt the tantrum behavior with a firm, mom-voiced, “We do not hit/slam doors.” Then I would gently get on his level, make eye contact, and follow a basic verbal formula: name the feeling, validate it, explain myself, offer a solution, and offer a hug. It might look something like this:
“You seem angry right now. You’re angry because you want me to fix your book, and I said no. I totally get it; it bothers me when my things are broken, too. The thing is, it’s already past our bedtime and we need to get some sleep. But I can take the book with me and tape it before breakfast tomorrow, or we can do it together after school. Which sounds better? OK. Now, do you want a hug?”
This approach separates the feeling (acceptable) from the behavior (unacceptable) and starts to build an emotional vocabulary for your kid. It also establishes that you’re on the same team, even when you say no.
Some folks find success giving their kids an alternative to hitting—a special pillow they can punch, or a self-time-out spot they can retreat to. These might be options to consider if your kid isn’t quite ready for all that conversation yet. Just remember that, as frustrating as the hitting is, at its heart it’s just the way your son is trying to communicate. With more verbal skills and maturity, he’ll rely on the “language” of hitting less and less. Be patient; you’ve got this!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is 8 years old and has an interesting social group—he just finds it very easy to be friends with the kids that, for whatever reason, other kids won’t be friends with. His best friend apparently told my son that she keeps getting bullied in school by a group of kids; my son has seen them be mean to her. They make fun of her culture, the food that she brings to school (she usually brings ethnic food, and she’s tried bringing in sandwiches to feel “normal” but it hasn’t helped), her accent, her religion, her poor social skills, her glasses, etc.
According to my son, she’s complained to her parents before who just said that the situation is unfortunate but she goes to a good public school and this is the price one must pay, that this is the reality of being brown in America. My interactions with his girl’s parents tell me that they are fairly conservative and I can imagine them saying that.
But what exactly is my role here? Can I talk to the teacher on this girl’s behalf? We have less than two months left in the school year, so obviously if I can speak now it can still have some effect for this year but would I need to keep doing this again next year? I just don’t know how to proceed and what I can do for this girl. My son told me about this two days ago, telling me he was worried about his friend. Again, I just have flashbacks to my own school experience, and I feel sorry for the girl.
—How to Help?
Dear Help,
Quirky friend groups are the best. The kids are interesting, the dynamics are charming and the friendships sometimes last a lifetime. They can also be places that breed and reinforce a lot of empathy, as you’re seeing in your son.
Because you don’t appear to have a close relationship with her parents, I wouldn’t involve yourself at this stage. But I think you can absolutely help your son advocate for his friend. Can he talk to the teacher in private one day? Help him think through how to approach them, and what he would want to say. Your son can even make notes for himself, if that would help. His first-hand observations and his friend’s comments will probably mean a lot more to the teacher than an email from you, and it can give them some important clues to what is happening between the kids. If the school has any kind of anti-bullying policy or social-emotional curriculum, there might be a clear next step that the teacher and school will take, based on your son’s report. If a few weeks go by with seemingly nothing coming of it, at that point I think you can consider whether to follow up.
You may also need to have a conversation with your son about what to do if the situation worsens. I don’t know if he’s “worried” about her being sad, or if he’s afraid she’ll hurt herself (not necessarily common at her age, but it happens). Let him know that if he ever suspects his friend might get hurt, by herself or others, he needs to immediately tell you and you will report it to the parents or the teacher.
Meanwhile, keep encouraging this quirky friend group, and consider opportunities to nurture relationships among the parents, too. You don’t have to be besties but getting to know each other a little more couldn’t hurt. For kids who don’t always fit in, friends are a port in the storm; but parents of kids who don’t always fit in may need that port, too.
—Allison
My 10-year-old son just had a growth spurt. Once upon a time I just picked out his clothes or gave him hand-me-downs from cousins, but he’s getting interested in fashion and is much too cool for that now. We are having a great time shopping together, with one exception.
