My Daughter’s Perfect Princess Birthday Party Just Blew Up in My Face
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter is turning 6. She wanted a princess party and to meet “Cinderella.” We hired an actress that would come and host a tea party as the character. The idea was that my daughter and her guests would dress as their favorite princesses and have a blast, but the cost was enough that the guest list was limited. “Cady” is my daughter’s bestie in her twice-weekly dance class. My interaction with Cady’s mom has been limited to small talk picking up and dropping off. I knew from my daughter that Cady had a sister—I didn’t know Cady had a twin sister. She is disabled. Cady’s mom basically verbally stripped my skin off because how dare I invite one of her daughters and not the other, and it is my fault they are both heartbroken. Cady physically pushed my daughter to the ground during dance class and hit her, saying that is what she “deserved.” My daughter is skipping lessons right now. My husband wants to fully switch her to a different class, but she is fully bonded with this teacher. This is just a muddy path right now. Help me find the right one?
—Party Pooper
Dear Party Pooper,
Cady’s mom was in the wrong; she shouldn’t have overreacted—though I do understand that it must sting if her disabled daughter is regularly excluded. If there is any history of that, some of her reaction could have been anger and hurt coming out sideways. You didn’t know, in any case, and this certainly isn’t your fault. I also get why you don’t want to just invite both twins to the party now that their mother has blamed you and Cady has hurt your daughter.
You’ve got two choices as far as dance school goes: Keep your daughter in her current class—in which case I would definitely speak with the school and get their assurances that your daughter will be safe and won’t be physically attacked again. Your other option is to change classes (as your husband suggested) or find another dance school altogether. Talk with your daughter to find out if she has a strong preference, either way—this is one of those cases where I think you can and should follow her lead as much as possible.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I share a studio with our cat. While we are comfortable treading water money wise, we are absolutely not in any place to have a baby. We literally don’t have room for one, let alone afford childcare or dropping down to one income. That hasn’t stopped both our parents from pestering us about the subject every time we see them. I am tired of the guilt trips. I am tired of the idiotic platitudes (no, God will not provide). I am tired of the insincere offers of help. I have already told them all to drop the subject, but it keeps coming up. I told my husband that if the subject comes up again I am walking out of the house and going to a hotel. He tells me that making a scene is not going to help anyone. Maybe not, but it will get the message across that I am sick of the subject. Vocally telling them has gained us nothing. Help!
—Not Kidding Around
Dear Not Kidding Around,
Yeah, I’m not saying you’ve got to cut anyone off over this, but I think that removing yourself from a very uncomfortable and frankly inappropriate conversation (whether you go stay somewhere else, or just take a break to get some air) isn’t necessarily “making a scene” for the sake of it. It’s really just trying to maintain a boundary you need and have clearly asked for. You’ve told your families to drop the subject. They’ve refused to listen. It may be not only warranted but important to show them that you’re willing to draw a line and leave the discussion and/or the premises.
They should really be able to hear and respect a firm verbal request, something along the lines of, “This is our decision, not yours. We aren’t going to talk about it with you anymore. We love you and we really want to be able to enjoy our time together, but if you insist on pushing us about having kids, we’re going to have to end the conversation—by leaving, if necessary.” Hopefully, just saying that you’re willing to leave if you have to does the trick. If not, it’s okay to follow through—with any luck, you’ll only need to do it once for them to get the message.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My dad died when my sister and I were young. She named her son in his honor but tragically he died in infancy. I am pregnant with a baby boy. I want to honor my father and be sensitive to my sister’s loss. My husband came up with using a similar sounding name—think “Dominic” when my dad’s name was “Nicholas”—or just using my father’s name as the middle name. I’ve heard so many horror stories about people putting the baby name out there before the birth, but at the same time, I don’t want to blindside my sister. She has two girls now, but the loss of her son still stings. We aren’t very close, but I don’t want to cause her pain. How do I approach this?
—Baby Name
Dear Baby Name,
That you and your sister aren’t close makes this even harder to talk about. I agree that you shouldn’t surprise her with the name after the fact. The name “Dominic” actually doesn’t make me think of the name “Nicholas” at all—it took a few readings for me to even notice that they share a syllable—so if the name you like is similarly removed from your father’s / late nephew’s name, maybe it’s okay to just go ahead. Even in that case, though, it is probably kinder and more thoughtful to tell your sister that you want your child’s name to honor the memories of both your father and her late son, and ask her to think about it and tell you how she feels about the idea.
My sense is that while it’s not strictly required, asking and giving your sister a chance to be honest with you is the right thing to do. This also means that if she strongly objects to the name you choose, or feels that it will always remind her of her lost son in a way that is too painful, you will have to, at minimum, take those feelings into account. Of course, she can’t force you to go with another name—but you also can’t compel her to feel differently than she does if you give your child a name that will remind her of her loss. This is a unique situation, not a matter of your sister being controlling or judging your name choice just to be petty. Given what she has been through, I’d want to try very hard to respect her feelings about including her late child’s name as your child’s middle name or choosing a similar name in homage, and not make a choice that will bring her more pain.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister-in-law had a baby about two days before I had my son. When we talked about our pregnancies the only time she talked to me that year, I noticed that she was fishing for information about when I was going to give birth and seemed disappointed to hear my due date.
Both our children were born healthy and happy. At a family holiday, my husband mentioned that it would be great to have a joint birthday party. I laughed and ignored him, but apparently my sister-in -aw did not. A year later, when the birthdays were coming up, she cornered me with my mother-in-law and started to interrogate me about birthday plans. I was distracted by my older son and left the conversation. They managed to corner me again and told me that I had to have my birthday for my son on Saturday because the only day she could have the birthday for her daughter was on Sunday. She also said that her other child had swimming on Saturday as another reason why I had to have my birthday party on Saturday.
I was very confused by this, as she was saying that she was going to miss my son’s first birthday party because her daughter had a swimming lesson. I agreed to the plan to avoid an argument, but it still bothers me almost one year later. Am I wrong to be bothered by this? I want to take a break from my husband’s family because they are a lot at times. This is just the tip of the iceberg with them. Am I overreacting?
—Pissed at Sister-in-Law
Dear Pissed at SIL,
Your sister-in-law shouldn’t have been so pushy about the parties. It makes sense that she’d want to make sure the parties are on different days so that your family members could attend both. But it does sound like you got railroaded a bit, which is just unnecessary—you two could have had a respectful, functional conversation about it. (Also, a joint first birthday party would have been cute if your SIL weren’t being so weird about all this!)
I don’t think you’re wrong to be bothered by this. I also don’t think it’s a huge deal in and of itself, but you mentioned that it’s “just the tip of the iceberg.” It’s fine to take a little break from your husband’s family if you need to. It doesn’t even have to be a total break to be effective; you can manage your time, limit your engagement, and pass on some things without cutting them off. What’s probably necessary for your own peace of mind is to recognize that they are how they are, and they probably aren’t going to change—with that in mind, you and your spouse can set your limits, speak up when you feel it’s necessary, and get space from them when you need it.
—Nicole
My son, a high school freshman, is a very laid-back and relaxed 15-year-old. This was great when he was younger—rarely was there a tantrum or strong resistance—but as a teenager it makes me so worried. We cannot get him motivated about school, or to find his passions. He puts in little effort and does fine. But he is very bright, and with even a modest effort he could do quite well. He doesn’t get in trouble at school, has many friends, and hasn’t pushed our boundaries beyond what is appropriate at his age. Perhaps this is our own hang-up about how he should be successful. We want him to attend college and find meaningful work. Do we just let him find his way?
