In the dating world, rejection is normal. Here is how to deal with it.
No one likes to be rejected. Most of us, if not all, experience rejection as painful or embarrassing. It’s hard putting ourselves out there and having the other person not share our curiosity, feelings or desire to commit. Fairly common responses to rejection include refusing to get out of bed, re-watching the same romantic movies over and over again and swearing off dating.
People are not being dramatic; they are trying to manage their pain. Research has found that the pain we feel from rejection is similar to the pain we experience from physical pain – meaning, it’s real.
The issue is that we live in a society that offers ample opportunity to be rejected (especially with online dating and social media), and yet we are not always very good at differentiating between rejection that matters and rejection that doesn’t. Does it truly matter that someone you didn’t know very well unfollowed you on Instagram? Does it matter as much as being told by someone you have been seeing for three weeks that they are no longer interested?
Regardless of the type of rejection, it can be helpful to view it as a redirection. For example, realizing that someone doesn’t want to be with us means that we can now use our time and energy in a direction that will actually serve us. It's not a pleasant experience, but it can be a helpful one.
How to handle rejection
Remember, it’s not always about you. Maybe the person rejecting you is emotionally unavailable, has unresolved feelings for their ex, just took a job in a different city or has realized they want to try something a bit more casual. So many of us will replay the dates and interactions, blaming ourselves for talking to much or too little, for declining sex or for having sex right away. Regardless of what we did or did not do, it’s easy to identify the problem as ourselves. Yet sometimes, it’s really not about us, and unless they tell us otherwise or we see a consistent pattern, we may want to accept it as such.
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Pay attention to your self-talk. We need to understand that being rejected does not speak to our worth. It does not have to mean that we are “bad,” “unworthy” or “undesirable.” There can be so many reasons as to why things didn't move forward so stop assuming and telling yourself that your lack of qualities is the main one. Pay attention to the negative internal messages you are absorbing and how they are impacting your mental health. Reframe them!
Think about what you bring to the table. It’s not about having an unrealistic view of yourself or building an unfounded confidence, it’s about staying grounded in facts. Acknowledging that you have wonderful qualities can be a much needed reminder when the other person doesn’t recognize or value them.
Take care of yourself. There is often a lot of pressure to “get over it” but it’s OK to spend some time healing you wounds. Take care of your body and mind alike, spend time with people you love, validate your emotions and speak to yourself with support and kindness.
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Put yourself out there. Unfortunately, rejection is just part of the process. We need to face the fact that all relationship dynamics come with a risk of rejection or abandonment. Remember, we can choose to accept ourselves even if others don’t.
So, what happens if we get rejected? How do we respond to the person? Here are some examples (and just like with anything, context is important to help you decide what may be appropriate for you):
“I am really surprised, but I respect your decision."
“I am feeling a bit hurt right now. I will need some time before we can try to hang out as friends.”
“Thank you for your honesty. It’s refreshing!”
“Even though it didn’t work out, I am glad we got to meet.”
“I really appreciate you not stringing me alone”
“Thank you for letting me know that you’re not interested. Having these conversations is never easy.”
“I had a great time hanging out, take care!”
“No worries!! Good luck!
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Dating advice: Breakups and rejection are hard. How to handle it.
