How to Date Someone Who's Sober
I didn’t realize it was a date until midway through coffee. Kate and I had known each other in university, but I hadn’t seen her in a few years when we ran into each other outside of a grocery store. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up, but I figured she was just being friendly. Wedged into the booth side of a comically undersized table, I listened as Kate spoke and our conversation flowed easily. It didn’t fully click for me until she put her hand on my arm, and afterwards I immediately got nervous and began compulsively running my fingers through my hair. Still, when the coffee shop closed Kate suggested we get a drink.
“I’m actually not drinking right now,” I told her. First Kate looked confused, then disappointed. While I’m not sober, in the past few years I’ve considerably cut back on alcohol. Partially at the advice of medical professionals. Partially because sometimes when I drink too much I engage in self-destructive behavior—you know, fighting traffic cones like Don Quixote fought windmills or texting my ex. Explaining this can be difficult, particularly in a romantic context. Briefly Kate and I considered alternate locations to a bar, but when I awkwardly suggested a second coffee shop she remembered a work thing that needed urgent attending to. We didn’t see each other again.
Dating culture and bar culture can seem intertwined, but recently alcohol-free dating has become more common. It’s a part of a larger trend of people cutting back on booze—or cutting it out entirely. See: the rise of sober bars, temperance cocktails, and the increased use of weed.
“As the trend towards overall wellness continues and people abstain from alcohol for health and personal reasons, it's possible that you'll see more sober dating in the future,” said relationship expert and sex columnist Simone Paget. Paget noted that when she was dating heavily she was also drinking more. That resulted in spending time with people she wouldn’t have found appealing without alcohol. While she still enjoys an occasional cocktail, sober dating helps her figure out if there’s a real connection much more quickly.
But traversing the dating world without alcohol comes with its own set of challenges. The learning curve on sober dating can feel steep, especially if you’ve previously used booze to power through the initial shyness of talking with strangers. That’s why, with the help of some sober friends, I’ve put together suggestions for dating while sober or dating someone who is.
Make sure you’re ready to start dating.
In recovery programs, you’re not supposed to make major decisions within the first year. Sobriety takes focus. Anything that pulls away from that focus—moving, changing jobs, beginning a new relationship—should be handled with caution. It’s sound advice that absolutely none of the people I spoke with adhered to, though all of them wish they had.
“I think that if you're newly sober it would help to be—and I hate to use this term—mindful when dating. Especially early on,” said comedian Krissy Howard. “I definitely tried to replace drugs with people, which just damaged the relationships. You can't pick up a person like you would a bag of dope and just expect them to make you feel good all the time.”
Tell your dates about your sobriety as early as possible.
A few weeks back, I told someone I wasn’t drinking, and in response, they asked if I hated fun. On other occasions when I’ve been dry, people have pushed me to join them, going as far as to order drinks for me, as though my personal choice was an affront to their good time. In a one-on-one setting, especially when you two don’t know each other well yet, choosing not to drink can create the sensation of yet another barrier to overcome, or that you guys are on totally different planes. Letting people know about your sobriety early—when you’re setting up a date or even directly in your dating profile—can ward off mismatches upfront. That can save everyone involved a lot of time.
“If anyone spends time with me they usually know about my sobriety in the first couple of minutes,” said actor Bryce Hodgson. “Sometimes when I ask someone to get coffee, I have to explain that it’s a date... but as I started getting into my late twenties, most people found that kind of charming. The directness of it,” said Hodgson. “If [my sobriety] was a problem for anyone then we weren’t right for each other anyways.”
Being rejected for any reason is difficult, but being rejected because of choices about alcohol has a particular sting. At first it made me feel like a burden, like I had been excluded from a part of society everyone else seem to really enjoy, and it’s taken some heart-to-hearts and serious introspection to to reframe my thoughts. “I couldn’t date a person that drank like I did,” said musician Drew Thomson. “I didn’t like myself back then, I can’t imagine liking someone else that way.”
Don’t agree to bar dates if you aren’t ready to be in a bar atmosphere.
These days, a bar is practically the default location for a date. Drinks may be the classic get-to-know-you venture, but with people dating more than ever—thanks to the rise of dating apps —there is a need for outings that are more affordable both in terms of time and money. While mood lighting and a hard-to-pronounce wine list can certainly add an ambiance, figuring out whether or not you actually like someone comes down to conversation and chemistry. Suggesting an activity, taking a scenic walk, or finally visiting your city’s modern art museum seem awkward at first, but these things lead to better dialogue than asking about someone’s work life or their favorite episode of The Office.
Putting some thought into the location also shows that the date matters to you. While we’ve been conditioned by years of cynical cartoons and angsty music to think that effort is the antithesis of cool, effort puts you miles above all the other people who simply suggested a meet-up at the local dive. It’s a way to differentiate yourself from the hoards of other people on swipe apps which can go a long way in making a connection.
Be extra thoughtful about consent.
If there is a huge discrepancy in how much you’ve had to drink versus your date, it might not be the best scenario for going home with someone, especially early-on. “I have turned down hook-ups because they had one too many,” said stand-up Diego Lopez. “It made me uncomfortable.” Politely finding an out without coming off judgmental or hurting someone’s feelings can feel like a near impossible task—even more so if you wanted to see the person again. But a person can’t always give enthusiastic consent when they’re drunk. Sobriety, in so many situations, can force you into discussions that can feel uncomfortable, but being upfront and honest about your intentions and how far you’d like to go allows everyone involved to make informed decisions.
“When it comes to consent, I use the F.R.I.E.S model: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific,” said Paget. That means literally talking through and agreeing on what you both want from sex. “If the other person has been drinking and you're unsure whether they're in a place to give informed consent, don't get intimate... If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.”
Once you’re in a steady relationship, set boundaries and pick your battles.
Unless you want to drastically reduce potential matches, you’re probably going to date someone who drinks. If that’s the case it’s crucial that boundaries around drinking are clearly communicated. If you know you’re going to hate a karaoke party where people are wasted singing “Sweet Caroline,” maybe sit that one out. But also understand that battling through the initial awkwardness of social events without alcohol can take time. If you want to be a good partner, you can’t opt out of everything. I’ve been in situations where my wet blanket attitude put partners in uncomfortable situation when we were out, feeling like they had to check in on me or worrying I wasn’t having a good time. Since then, I’ve learned to call it early if I’m not feeling up to the task. And on the other hand, I’ve realized that after pushing through awkward beginnings, I’ve had some really great nights out.
The goal is keeping communication open about what’s comfortable for you, while also being open to the other person’s needs. While it can take some getting used to—and take a little more forethought—sober dating is just regular dating. Cutting out alcohol doesn’t instantly clean the cesspool that is modern romance, but it can help you see things a bit more clearly.
