New dad? Overwhelmed? Clueless? Mark these wise words

Lambeth Hochwald
·5 min read
A Little baby eating her dinner and making a mess with dad on the side
A Little baby eating her dinner and making a mess with dad on the side

Ask a bunch of fathers and they’ll probably all say the same thing: You’re going to be overwhelmed when you come home with your new baby, but this doesn’t mean you won’t be having the time of your life.

Here, some pearls of wisdom from dads that they wish they’d known before they tried to do a diaper change for the first time.

Prepare to panic
As a new dad, panic is going to be your middle name, said Todd Detwiler, a father of two and author and illustrator of “How To Dad” (Media Lab Books).

Ask a bunch of fathers and they’ll probably all say the same thing: You’re going to be overwhelmed when you come home with your new baby, but this doesn’t mean you won’t be having the time of your life. Shutterstock
Ask a bunch of fathers and they’ll probably all say the same thing: You’re going to be overwhelmed when you come home with your new baby, but this doesn’t mean you won’t be having the time of your life. Shutterstock

“It’s like, OMG, what is this blemish? Or why won’t the baby take the bottle?” he said. “Thing is, you don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t, and it’s natural to be worried at first. That’s what your pediatrician is there for.”

Realize you’re going to screw up
The not knowing what to do is baked into being a dad, said Gary John Bishop, author of “Grow Up: Becoming the Parent Your Kids Deserve” (HarperOne), a book that aims to quell the anxiety you might be feeling about being a “good parent.”

You can tell a new dad from the brand-new crossbody diaper bag being toted around town, but veteran dads say you don’t have to get that fancy. Getty Images
You can tell a new dad from the brand-new crossbody diaper bag being toted around town, but veteran dads say you don’t have to get that fancy. Getty Images

“It’s not always evident what to do,” said Bishop, whose kids are ages 9 and 18. “We’re all so worried about getting it right, and we all feel this pressure not to screw things up, but I like to remind dads that you’re not supposed to have this all figured out. You’re going to make mistakes, and it will be OK.”

Don’t undersell yourself
While you may think your baby’s mom is more intuitive than you, it’s important to remember that you’re bringing a lot to the table, too, said Doug Moe, a comedian and author of “Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting” (Skip Intro Press).

“Dads feel like women are special, and have an intuitive way of dealing with children, and that’s probably true,” said Moe, who’s the father of an 18-year-old daughter. “Women are magical, but I think it’s OK to say, ‘I’m not magical, but I’m going to try and get better at caring for this tiny little baby that seems fragile but isn’t.’ ”

Don’t overpack
You can tell a new dad from the brand-new crossbody diaper bag being toted around town, but veteran dads say you don’t have to get that fancy.

“City dads especially can gear up too heavily,” Moe said. “You’re not in the desert and you certainly don’t need every little thing in some kind of dopey diaper bag. I promise: If you’re out of the house, you will be able to find snacks, so just grab your backpack, put some stuff in it, and if you forget anything, don’t sweat it.”

Treat this experience like a team sport
While you may be focusing right now on how difficult the baby is going to be, that’s actually not the hard part of the phase you’re in as a new parent, suggests Chuck Ault, director of training for Boot Camp for New Dads.

“The hard part is forming some sort of team with the person you’re parenting with,” he said. “You want to get on the same page with them and get to know this person in a very different way than you have before. You guys have never done a challenge like this together, and you don’t know yet how your partner will react under this kind of stress and vice versa.”

Always kiss your partner first
This goes a long way to a happy home life, said Lance Somerfeld, who teaches Boot Camp for New Dads at 92Y.

“You need to work just as hard at being a good partner as you do in being a new dad,” he said. “If you’re working outside of the home and are taking the second shift, yes, you’re excited to see the baby, but your partner is either a working parent or an at-home mom and has been in the drudgery all day and can’t wait to pass off the baby. That’s why the first person you should acknowledge is this person and repeat these words: ‘Honey, how was your day?’ and then ‘I got this.’ ”

As a new dad, you may want to sign up for every music class with your baby, but it might be worth rethinking, said Doug Moe, a comedian and author of “Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting.” Getty Images
As a new dad, you may want to sign up for every music class with your baby, but it might be worth rethinking, said Doug Moe, a comedian and author of “Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting.” Getty Images

Don’t wait to be asked
Instead of waiting to get assigned a task, jump in, Somerfeld said.

“This does two things,” he said. “One, you want to be equally competent at changing a diaper and, two, if you don’t jump at it, the other parent is going to resent the fact that they’re doing it all.”

In addition, do everything in your power to avoid keeping score.

“The ‘I did this; you did that’ strategy isn’t going to work,” Somerfeld said. “Whatever you can both do to tackle the chores, the dishes and the laundry means you’ll have more time to spend alone after the baby is sleeping — and alone time matters for your relationship.”

Don’t over-schedule
As a new dad, you may want to sign up for every music class with your baby, but it might be worth rethinking, Moe said.

“First-time dads go into it thinking everything is going to impact the baby, so you think you should attend every single singalong at your local coffee shop, but I think this probably isn’t what our parents did,” he said. “Your baby isn’t going to remember any of that, and I think it’s way better to reduce the volume of activities you’re doing, and rediscover how nice it is to simply spend time together instead.”