A Coward’s Guide to Halloween Movies

If I had it my way, the scariest thing I’d ever watch would be Hocus Pocus. I’m a fraidy cat when it comes to horror films. Which puts me at a disadvantage come October, because as soon as the wind picks up and people get all horny about “layering,” everyone seems to get in the mood to watch spooky shit.

It’s impossible to turn on the TV this month without seeing a scary movie. AMC is playing all the Halloween movies nonstop. SyFy is playing a bunch of Resident Evil. To be clear, I’m not against the goth, the macabre, or the morbid. I was born near Halloween, so in many ways spooky is my vibe. But there’s a big difference between something dark and something outright scary, especially when you think you’re watching one and it turns into the other. I remember watching Black Swan thinking it was just going to be a moody tale about dance drama, and instead having to run into the kitchen and steady my nerves with a bourbon (and okay, cry a lot) before returning to watch the final 20 minutes.

I could certainly spend my life not watching any scary movies. Mostly, that’s what I do! Life is scary enough! But there are some issues. Firstly, I have friends who like scary movies, and FOMO is real. My life has been marked by birthday parties and sleepovers in which I was the one cowering in the bathroom because everyone else wanted to see Scream. Hell, even at my own 16th birthday party, all my friends put on Silence of the Lambs and I had to pretend I had a lot to attend to in the kitchen. Should I have told them it’s my birthday and we’re watching Eddie Izzard’s Dressed to Kill again? Maybe. That’s a different essay.

But secondly, it is a virtue to push one’s boundaries sometimes and discover new things. I’ve gotten better about watching scary movies, and even found myself enjoying some of them. I loved The Witch! So if you’re looking to gingerly step into the world of horror (and then quickly back out any time you want), here are some tips.

Start with the kid stuff
I cried the first time I saw Coraline. Or really, after, when I was in bed and trying to get the image of the creepy spider mom out of my head, and I open my eyes and my partner has held buttons up to their eyes. This isn’t really the best argument for starting with vaguely scary kids’ movies, but I maintain that if no one had actively tried to scare me, I would have been fine. There are lots of kids’ movies that have all the “fun” of horror films, just slightly diluted. ParaNorman, The Dark Crystal, and Beetlejuice are all rated PG. The Addams Family is PG-13. All of them generally have more jokes than nightmares.

Identify what kind of horror you really can’t do
“Scary movies” can mean a lot of things, and what’s scary to one person isn’t scary to everyone. For instance, I just saw Bad Times at the El Royale, and while I found it enthralling, the people I was with admitted they were tense and nervous the whole time. Apparently, noir thriller is a type of scary I can handle, but zombies or white men running around with knives aren't. So think about what really freaks you out. Blood? Jump scares? Psychological thrills? Creatures? Dead silence? Avoid those and take a look at everything else.

Save it for daylight
Watching a horror movie in a theater is the double black diamond of horror movies. You’re just not ready. Instead, pick a weekend day when you can gather some friends and whatever snacks/substances don’t make you anxious. That way you’re in control and can stop the movie/fortify yourself with pillows/leave the room whenever you want. Another good tactic for the home is to watch those movies when they're on TV, so any horror is regularly interrupted by annoying commercials. You'll be too frustrated by yet another Geico cinematic universe ad to focus on what was just freaking you out.

Watch something you love immediately after
The best cure I’ve found for any lingering unease after watching a scary movie is to immediately get it out of your head, and that’s not going to be accomplished by going on a long walk. As soon as it’s done, put on something that’s the exact opposite. Play Zelda. Watch a big, dumb comedy. Listen to a goofy podcast. That way you can think about the movie later without it being so immediately terrifying.

And whatever you do, Google that shit beforehand. Spoilers never killed anyone.