What Is a Covert Narcissist? How to Understand This Personality Disorder
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Like most personality disorders, narcissism exists on a spectrum. That means there will never be a clear-cut answer for what a narcissist looks like, which makes it extremely difficult for individuals to recognize narcissistic traits within themselves and others. However, one of the most common types of narcissism is the covert narcissist.
“Covert types are narcissists in disguise,” explains Carder Stout, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and author of the memoir Lost in Ghost Town. “They believe adamantly in their own inflated self-importance and intelligence, yet they do not reveal it willingly and are also marked by insecurity, depression, and anxiety.” If you suspect you’re dealing with someone in your life who shares these traits, it can be an extremely frustrating endeavor, especially if the person in question is unwilling to take a look at their problematic behavior. Here’s how you can identify a covert narcissist, how to cope with one, and advice on cutting off the relationship if it ever becomes necessary.
What is a covert narcissist?
According to Stephanie Kriesberg, a Massachusetts-based psychologist and author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, covert narcissists are harder to identify than the typical “full-of-themselves narcissists” we tend to typically think of.
“A covert narcissist is also referred to as a ‘vulnerable’ or ‘fragile’ narcissist,” says Kriesberg. They typically are very self-conscious and have trouble accepting criticism in any form.
Traits of a covert narcissist
The covert narcissist might seem unsure of themselves, depressed, and even unhappy with their lives, explains Kriesberg. “She says she doesn’t want to be a burden, yet demands a great deal of your time and energy. She is envious of others, and feels she has gotten a bad deal in life. She might feel that she has never been able to reach her potential, although she doesn’t take steps to change the problem,” says Kriesberg.
Stout adds that one must be close to a covert narcissist to see their true colors. A few more traits include a “withdrawn nature, resentful, dissatisfied, envious and jealous, feelings of persecution and victimization, manipulative, flaky, grandiose, and self-importance that is understated,” says Stout.
How to cope with a covert narcissist
First of all, it’s important to remember that “you are not responsible for [anyone’s] feelings, actions, or difficulties, even if [someone] says you are,” says Kriesberg. If you have a relationship with a narcissist, you might typically wind up feeling responsible and guilty for what happens to them without actually having done anything wrong.
“Any healthy relationship needs to be two-way street, characterized by mutual respect, care, and support,” says Kriesberg. “Sometimes one person is doing more of the support, but in the long run, it balances out. Covert narcissists are focused on getting their own needs met.”
If you’re struggling in a friendship or relationship with a covert narcissist, Kriesberg shares the following tips:
Pay attention to your emotions.
If you tend to feel “angry, guilty, resentful, or overwhelmed” around a certain individual, pay attention to those emotional clues. Covert narcissists will be unaware of how their actions affect others, so they might change the subject or show no remorse when you bring up something they did that hurt your feelings.Remember you’re entitled to your emotions.
“We can’t help the emotions that show up inside of us,” says Kriesberg. “What we can control are our actions and how we treat other people. We can do this by setting healthy boundaries and speaking up for what we want and need. This is crucial when dealing with people who take advantage of others, such as covert narcissists.”
How to cut off a relationship with a covert narcissist
Stout points out that it’s relatively impossible to have a healthy relationship with a covert narcissist. If you find yourself needing space from someone who is unable to be an adequate friend or partner to you, Stout recommends not blaming the other person or showing your frustration. “Quietly sift away from them, stating that you are needing to take care of yourself,” he says. “If they feel abandoned and misunderstood, do not engage with them in this delusion. If they persist, block them from your phone.”
Kriesberg agrees and says it’s “best to be direct, keep it simple, and keep the focus on yourself, rather than on the narcissist’s behavior.” Remember not to expect the narcissist to have empathy for you.
“You could say, ‘I’m focusing on work and other things in my life right now, so I can’t spend time with you. I hope things go well with _____.’ This is a truthful statement; you are focusing on yourself,” suggests Kriesberg. “It will not be helpful to explain why you need to do this with the covert narcissist.”
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