What Is a Covert Narcissist?
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Medically reviewed by Aleesha Grier, PsyD
Covert narcissism—or vulnerable narcissism as it is sometimes called—is one of two types of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (The other is overt or grandiose narcissism.) While many of the characteristics of the two are the same—like the need for admiration and a sense of self importance—covert narcissism is also characterized by hypersensitivity and defensiveness and can be hard to identify due to its more subtle nature.
To understand the difference between covert and overt narcissism, it can be helpful to first recognize the difference between overt behavior and covert behavior. Overt behavior is more recognizable and easier to identify. Meanwhile, covert behavior is most often hidden and harder to recognize.
Below we explore the traits of a covert narcissist, what causes the condition, and how it impacts relationships. We also provide information on how to identify covert narcissism, how to deal with covert narcissists, and how to recover from their abuse.
Related: Overt vs. Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder—and Their Symptoms
Traits of a Covert Narcissist
When most people hear the word narcissist, they tend to think of someone who has an exaggerated sense of self, feels superior to others, and has an intense desire to be admired. These characteristics are most prominent in overt narcissism.
But, there is actually another type of narcissism known as covert or vulnerable narcissism. And though the two types of narcissism share some similarities, there are some stark differences as well. Here are some of the key characteristics of a covert narcissism:
Hypersensitive
Self-absorbed
Sense of self importance
Avoidant
Anxious
Self-conscious
Socially insecure
Defensive
Joyless (or anhedonia)
Sad or depressed
There also are some discrepancies in how someone with covert narcissism presents themselves publicly and privately. For instance, a covert narcissist can appear kind, supportive, and even humble in public. But in private they may feel superior to others, be dismissive, and act resentful.
Related: 10 Signs of a Narcissist
What Causes Covert Narcissism?
Scientists do not know exactly what causes NPD, or covert narcissism in particular. But some experts suggest that a combination of genetics, early childhood trauma, difficult early relationships, and individual personality traits are responsible. A person's temperament also can play a role.
One study found that people with covert narcissism likely grew up with parents who focused on status and achievement. They also may have been told at an early age that they were special, unique, or more important than other people.
Having parents that showed a lack of warmth may be another contributing factor. For instance, the parents of a covert narcissist may have withheld affection and appreciation. Or, they may have been angry about having to raise a child, creating an intense need for the person with covert narcissism to be valued and appreciated.
Related: What Are the 4 Attachment Styles?
Risk Factors
People with certain personality disorders may be at an increased risk for covert narcissism. For instance, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder all may co-occur with covert narcissism.
Additionally, people with a mood disorder like depression or a substance abuse issue may be at an increased risk of covert narcissism. Even people who engage in self-harm like suicide may be struggling with covert narcissism.
How Does Covert Narcissism Affect Relationships?
In the beginning of a relationship, people with covert narcissism may come across as shy, withdrawn, or even self-deprecating. But internally, they still believe they are better than other people and deserve to be appreciated and admired. Eventually, these internal beliefs manifest in their relationships with family, friends, and co-workers—especially if they feel slighted or disrespected.
For instance, one of the hallmarks of NPD is a lack of empathy. For this reason, people with covert narcissism have trouble forming meaningful bonds or connecting to others because they are so self-focused. They also are unable to exert any energy on another person, but instead direct all of the attention to themselves, even if it is done in subtle ways.
When they feel slighted or under-appreciated, they also may portray themselves as the victim in the relationship. For instance, they may use subtle forms of emotional abuse or gaslighting in order to blame you. Their goal is to receive reassurance and praise from you—or make you feel guilty for the way they feel. Eventually, you may feel undervalued or traumatized depending on their treatment of you.
People with convert narcissism need to have have their ego fed but when that doesn't happen, they pull away or become cold. It also is very hard for them to offer praise or show appreciation to someone else.
Someone with covert narcissism also is prone to narcissistic rage, which means they may explode in anger when they feel like their worth, value, or importance is being threatened. This rage can manifest as anger, hostility, and aggression. But there also is a risk for physical abuse if they feel particularly threatened.
Related: How To Recognize Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
How to Identify a Covert Narcissist
While it can be challenging to identify covert narcissism in someone you know—especially since so much of their belief system is internalized—there are certain behaviors to watch for. Here are some common red flags.
Have a deep-seeded need to be admired: When someone has convert narcissism, they have an intense need to be admired, exalted, and appreciated. They also rely on others to boost their self-esteem, so they might fish for compliments by talking humbling about themselves, or they may offer a compliment in hopes of getting one in return. And, if they feel like they are being criticized or undervalued, they may react strongly.
Tend to be passive aggressive: People with covert narcissism often resort to passive aggressive behavior when they are angry or feel slighted. They also may be passive aggressive as way to get even with the person who they feel wronged them or did not acknowledge their specialness.
May avoid social situations: People with convert narcissism appear introverted and may avoid social situations, but this is largely due to the fact that they do not want to risk not being valued or adored. Instead, they worry that their shortcomings will be exposed—though they may never communicate this directly. They also struggle to develop meaningful relationships.
Can hold grudges: When someone has covert narcissism, they may hold grudges against people that they feel have wronged them or made them look bad in some way. And though they may not say anything outright about the slight, they will find ways to retaliate. In personal relationships, this may involve emotional abuse while in business relationships it may involve making the other person look bad.
Have difficulty keeping a job or maintaining relationships: People with narcissism have a hard time interacting with other people and may struggle to down a job. For instance, if they do not feel like they are getting the attention or accolades they deserve or their specialness is not acknowledged, they may cut ties and move on.
Common Beliefs of a Covert Narcissist
Here are some common beliefs people with covert narcissism may have. Though, they may not always speak these statements out loud, you may recognize them by the way they behave or respond.
I cannot feel good about myself unless I know other people see how special I am.
I avoid being around people because I’m know they’ll disappoint me or that they will fall short in some way.
When others do not see my worth or value, I often get angry.
When others get a glimpse of my shortcomings or point out a fault, I feel ashamed and angry.
How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist
When it comes to dealing a covert narcissist, put strategies in place that will protect you and minimize the impact. While each situation is unique and will require a more personalized approach, here are some general ways to cope with covert narcissism.
Set Healthy Boundaries
People who have covert narcissism have a hard time honoring and respecting boundaries in a relationship. But this does not mean you should not put them into place. These guidelines communicate how you want to be treated and what you will do if they are not honored.
Some people argue that boundaries limit the relationship, but they actually are a healthy communication tool that lets your partner know where you stand and how you want to be treated.
Encourage Healing and Treatment
Sometimes people who suffer from covert narcissism have no idea that there is something wrong their behavior. And while this is no excuse to hurt other people, too many times the people on the receiving end of their negative actions are equally devaluing in the way they treat a person with NPD.
When trying to get help for your family member or friend, it is important to remember they are a human worthy of healing. Try not to define them by their actions. Remember, talking to them about getting help requires you to be emotionally sensitive and supportive.
Consider Next Steps
If there is a person with covert narcissism in your life and they are continuing to hurt you, you need to consider your next steps. Sometimes this means cutting off communication or ending the relationship. Even if you decide you want to stay, you need to keep yourself safe.
For instance, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends developing a safety plan. Think through how you would exit in an emergency and alert trusted friends and neighbors to your situation. Keep in mind, that exiting a relationship with someone prone to abuse can be risky and could result in serious injury.
Related: How To Cope With a Narcissistic Family Member
How to Recover From Covert Narcissistic Abuse
Dealing with covert narcissism can take a toll on your emotional and physical health, so you need time to recover and move on. Here are some ways to heal from the impact of covert narcissism.
Get Help From a Professional
Everyone can benefit from working with a mental health professional. But this is especially true if you are recovering from emotional or physical abuse. In fact, unhealthy relationships can damage your self-esteem, cause anxiety, and make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. However, getting therapy can help you heal and recover.
Practice Self Care
Recovering from abuse is challenging, but it is possible—especially if you learn to prioritize your health and emotional well-being. Start by acknowledging your feelings and your experience. Whether you are confused, angry, or sad, your feelings are valid and important. Look for ways to relieve your stress such as exercising, embracing your creativity, and practicing mindfulness.
Build a Support System
You also should surround yourself with supportive people. Find people you can talk to that will listen without judgement. You also can join a support group designed specifically for people who have been in relationships with narcissistic people.
One option is the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Support group. This group is a private group on Facebook that is free and connects you with others going through the same thing.
A Quick Review
Covert narcissism is one of two types of narcissistic personality disorder that is characterized by hypersensitivity and defensiveness. People with covert narcissism are self-conscious, socially insecure, and introverted, which means their narcissistic actions are usually more subtle. Still, these behaviors can be just as damaging to those in relationships with them.
If you are involved with someone with covert narcissism, the relationship can be both confusing and painful. But, it is important to set boundaries, communicate your needs, and consider professional treatment for you and your partner. It's also important to take care of yourself. Exercising, mindfulness, and embracing your creativity may help you recover.
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