Couples Counseling Leads to Better Communication and Healthier Relationships
When the words “marriage,” “family,” and “therapy” all come up in the same sentence, it’s often assumed that things within that particular relationship aren’t great. Broken beyond repair. Doomed. But this is not the case. In fact, seeking support for a relationship through marriage and family therapy (also often called couples therapy) shows your commitment to improving interpersonal dynamics in many ways.
Seeing a therapist to identify problematic behaviors and seek solutions, both individually and interpersonally, can be incredibly helpful — and despite the name, marriage and family therapy isn’t just for married couples. Any couple in a romantic relationship can benefit, as can people in families who have other interpersonal dynamics.
If you’ve been struggling to find symbiosis with your partner (or partners), spouse, or family member, this form of therapy might be exactly the means of healing you have been looking for. Below, learn what it’s all about, its methodology, and why it is not a sign a relationship or family is failing.
What is marriage and family therapy?
Marriage and family therapy, or MFT, is a form of psychotherapy. It addresses the behaviors of all members of a particular family or relationship, though it’s most commonly employed by couples. This therapy modality is a solution-focused approach that creates specific, attainable, therapeutic goals, including improving communication, working through intimacy issues, and more. Marriage and family therapists typically practice short-term therapy, or about 12 sessions on average.
Marriage and family therapists are recognized as a “core” mental health profession alongside psychology, psychiatry, and social work, and those who practice have completed graduate or postgraduate programs. As of 2018, there were around 48,000 marriage family therapists currently practicing in the United States.
How is MFT practiced?
According to John Carroll, a therapist at the Institute for Human Identity in New York City, this particular treatment doesn’t adhere to the old psychotherapy cliché in which a practitioner says, “Lie on a couch and tell me how that makes you feel.” Rather, this form of therapy is practiced in a few ways. When people in a relationship see a therapist, they often see their therapist together, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, they’ll attend individual sessions, or if it’s a group of people (like in a family, or polyamorous relationship), two or more people may break off into smaller sessions to talk about interpersonal dynamics.
“While traditional therapy focuses more on the individual, MFT explores how an individual’s behavior affects both the individual and their relationship as part of a couple or family,” says Carroll. “In MFT, the unit of treatment is not just the individual, even if only a single person is in the therapy session, treatment is focused on the set of relationships in which the person is embedded.”
“MFT can provide an opportunity to re-wire unhealthy relational patterns, allowing new, unexplored strengths and tools to be discovered.”
“The methodology behind MFT is that regardless of whether a problem appears to be within an individual — intrapersonal — or within a relationship — interpersonal, getting other members involved in the therapeutic process will result in more effective, sustained solutions,” Carroll explains. So, both intrapersonal and interpersonal issues are talked about through the lens of how they may affect the dynamic of the relationship. The therapist is there to advocate for the relationship unit, rather than for one individual versus another.
Does attending MFT mean a relationship is in trouble?
Nope. While issues may be present in a relationship or family that prompt people to seek support in the first place, it does not mean these issues cannot be worked through or solved. “Many people come to therapy with an acute issue to work on. However, the tools learned in couples therapy can be used preventatively and are applicable in many other areas of life,” says Carroll.
Unlike math or grammar, relationship skills aren’t something we’re taught in school. Carroll points out that our most important relational tools — like active listening, conflict resolution, vulnerability, and intimacy — are things that we learn (or don’t learn) from our parents and families of origin.
“Though many of us had caregivers with the greatest of intentions, what we learned within our family system doesn’t always translate into healthy, sustainable adult relationships,” Carroll says. “MFT can provide an opportunity to re-wire the unhealthy relational patterns we find ourselves in, allowing new, unexplored strengths and tools to be discovered.”
Alternatively, even if a relationship does end after couples therapy, it doesn’t mean that treatment “failed” — not every relationship is meant to be forever, and sometimes, therapy helps people to work through issues and move on in a healthy way.
What should people just starting MFT know?
Attending therapy for the first time, no matter how positive a step this may be, is also an incredibly scary territory to find oneself in. After all, new experiences bring the unexpected. However, one mindset that needs to be adjusted before attending therapy (and in this case, MFT) is that a relationship is broken.
“Many couples initially come to therapy with the belief that they are broken. In our society, we are bombarded with narratives that say couples should be swinging from the chandelier, that no one should ever go to bed angry, and that two and a half kids and a house with a white picket fence will be validating and fulfilling,” says Carroll. “To be honest, we have been sold a false bag of goods.”
Carroll is right. It’s not realistic to expect everything to be perfect all the time. Life is messy as it is, and close relationships add a whole new level of complexity to our human experience. From financial stress to work struggles to simply pissing each other off, all are part of being alive, together. But these difficult moments are the good parts, too. These are the times when you get to help each other, support one another, and see everything that makes you and your partner who you both are. And perfection has no place there.
Carroll explains: “As a relational therapist, my work is often helping clients re-write these narratives and learn that asking for help and learning tools to manage life’s difficulties does not make a relationship broken, it makes it human.”
When it comes down to it all, seeking professional guidance for life’s turbulence and your relationship shows commitment and care. It proves that you are willing to take the time to learn important skills for managing the hard stuff and doing it better as a couple. It’s not a sign of a relationship’s demise; it’s proof of its love.
Read more stories about therapy and mental health:
Why You Shouldn't Ghost Your Therapist (and What to Do Instead)
What Happens in Sex Therapy, According to a Licensed Sex Therapist
Now, watch seven people talk about their scars:
Don't forget to follow Allure on Instagram and Twitter.
Originally Appeared on Allure
