Couple’s therapist says *these* are the words to avoid in arguments with your partner

Couples fight, that’s a given. But some couples fight dirtier than others. And even though we may not mean to at the time our words can truly change the entire dynamic of the conversation and feelings and emotions get lost in the argument.

Sex and couple’s therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander have a wildly successful Podcast called Pillow Talk and a massive social media following. The couple also co-authored the NYT Bestseller, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. 

When Vanessa’s not making hilarious TilTok videos offering sex and relationship advice with her husband Xander, she makes individual videos that often throw a truth bomb out there for those of us in relationships. And in this particular GRWM video, she tells us which words to remove from our vocabulary when having a discussion with our partner.

She says to take “absolute” words out of your vocabulary. Words like always, never, constantly, every time, etc. Vanessa says that removing these words from your vocabulary, will save you from unnecessary arguments and defensive responses.

Vanessa says that even though she teaches couples communication for a living, she still messes up in her own life sometimes. Nobody’s perfect.

She shared her own example of her relationship. Vanessa said that in her marriage, she’s the timekeeper and she recently got irritated about the mental load that is for someone. She snapped at Xander that she “always” has to be the one to keep him on time.

Vanessa said the first problem was that words like “always” and “never” just aren’t true. The second problem is your partner is immediately on the defensive. She said Xander immediately went into lawyer mode and came up with a time that he kept himself on time so “always” wasn’t true and that she did not in fact always have to keep him on time.

Then she said the third and (and in my opinion, the biggest) problem is that while you’re arguing about the semantics and logistics of the statement, you’re both missing the important point of sharing the original emotions that came up. In Vanessa’s example, the fact she was frustrated, felt lonely and felt like she had the brunt of the responsibility got lost. They were too busy arguing about wording and the truth.

“Learn from my mistake and take the words always and never right out of your relationship vocabulary,” she concluded.