Could You Be a Victim of Negging? Experts Explain What to Look For
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links."
Emotional manipulation is scary and, unfortunately, it happens all too often. But negging is a form of emotional manipulation that’s very specific.
Negging isn’t a term you hear every day and it’s understandable to wonder, What does negging mean? While you may be unfamiliar with it, odds are high that you’ve either seen negging in action or been the victim of it yourself.
Here’s what you need to know about negging, plus what to do if you find that it’s happening to you.
What is negging, exactly?
Negging is the practice of making negative comments that are often backhanded, so they’re a little more subtle than outright criticizing someone, explains Hillary Ammon, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist at the Center for Anxiety & Women’s Emotional Wellness.
“Negging typically involves negative comments about one’s appearance, behaviors, choices, achievements, or circumstances. Initially, you may not even recognize it as harmful or hurtful, as it is backhanded,” she says.
Again, negging is subtle. Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Don’t You Know Who I Am? says these can be examples:
“Not bad, I mean you did a good job, I remember when your brother got into this program and he was even working full time, too, but yeah—you did great.”
“You are so brave to go out like that without makeup. I couldn’t do that. I care too much about how I look.”
“For someone who didn’t go to a good college, you actually write really well.”
Negging is usually highlighted in romantic relationships but “it’s important to recognize that negging can happen in all relationships—romantic, friendships, family, and professional,” Ammon says.
Why is negging harmful?
Negging is harmful for a slew of reasons. “The simplest explanation of why negging is harmful is that, at its core, negging is a form of emotional and verbal abuse,” says clinical psychologist Juanita P. Guerra, Ph.D.
Negging is also confusing for the victim and can make someone feel gaslit. “You heard what you thought was a compliment, but it also felt like a jab, like a dig,” Guerra says. “You’re not so sure which it was, and so you’re left feeling perplexed; asking yourself some version of, Wait, what just happened?”
Who the negging comes from matters, Durvasula says. “If it is a chronically insecure sibling or petty ‘friend,’ you may be able to file it under They are sort of insecure and sad, and it may have less potency,” she says. “But when it comes from people whose voice matters to you—spouse, parent, boss— it can result in anxiety, grief, anger. Those negative emotions over time, especially when you feel powerless to change it, can accumulate.”
How can negging impact people?
Constantly being the victim of negging can make a person feel anxious, depressed, and even worthless, Ammon says. “If someone is consistently criticized about their weight, they may start to feel dissatisfied with their weight and struggle with body image issues,” she says. “It may cause anxieties related to food, exercising, and choosing outfits.”
Being on the receiving end of negging is “emotionally and psychologically exhausting,” Guerra says. “Negging is like psychological warfare,” she continues. “It makes you feel unsafe, so you become guarded, defensive, and hopefully self-protective. This uses up a lot of your energy and can leave you feeling exhausted mentally and physically.”
Over time, if you’re not aware of the negging that is happening, you can develop a lower sense of self-esteem and even “learned helplessness,” which is when you start to feel helpless over time after constantly facing situations that you felt powerless against, Guerra says.
What to do if you’re the victim of negging
You can try to call the person out. “The first step is to discuss the statements that you viewed as negging. Stick to the facts,” Ammon says, noting that it can be helpful to document what they said and when they said it.
Then, talk about how those comments made you feel. Try to use “I” statements like, “I felt hurt by your comment about my weight.” (“People are more likely to go on the defense when feedback starts with ‘you,’” Ammon says.) You can then say what you want or need from them, and set boundaries, like “I am not going to engage in a conversation with you if you are negging me.”
“Once you assert yourself and set your boundaries, you can begin to influence their actions,” Ammon says. “For example, praise them when they provide actual compliments and share how those comments make you feel good.”
Unfortunately, confronting someone who is negging you is unlikely to get you very far. “I think many chronic negging people are probably somewhere on the narcissism or antagonism spectrum, and passive aggression is a big part of those spectra,” Durvasula says. “These are people who have marginal levels of empathy, are deeply insecure, and use interpersonal aggression as a way to maintain power, domination, and control.” As a result, she says, “they will always play the victim when they are called out.”
If you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, Durvasula recommends that you “disengage” from the person who is negging you. “People who neg are going to neg—and since it is likely an under-processed interpersonal play to get back power due to shame or their own insecurities, they aren’t in touch with themselves to stop,” she says.
She suggests that you “spend less time with them, find other supports to be a counterweight, and radically accept that when you are with them, this is how it will be.”
And, if the negging continues to get to you, Guerra says you may need to cut ties with them altogether. “It is often necessary to remove these toxic individuals from one’s life,” she says.
You Might Also Like
