Photo Credit: iStock
By Janet Ong Zimmerman
New relationships are exciting, and there’s big temptation to jump in the sack right off the bat.
But both conventional wisdom and experience show that having sex too soon increases the likelihood of ruining a potential relationship. Yet if you’ve fallen into the sticky trap of sleeping with someone too soon, even knowing that it’s not in your best interest, you may have:
- Gotten caught up in the moment
- Mistaken sexual chemistry for more than what it is
- Craved intimacy
- Had sex for validation after a break up or a dry spell
- Used sex as leverage
- Felt pressured and wanted to please the guy
- Believed you could have a no-strings-attached relationship, only to later want a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship
- Thought you were the exception
Having sex too soon is actually fine — just make sure that both of you have the same understanding about the nature of your relationship. But if you want a real, long term and committed relationship, having sex too soon sends the wrong signal to the guys you date.
What Happens After Having Sex With A Guy Too Soon
Hollywood movies perpetuate the fairytale version of having sex too soon — girl meets boy, they have sex early on, something happens to tear them apart, and then boy comes back for girl.
In these fantasy movies, one-night stands become real relationships. We buy into the fantasy that having premature sex doesn’t ruin a relationship when real life consistently shows us otherwise.
Are you thinking, “But I know a woman who has slept with a guy early on, and she’s now married to him!”
Yes, it is possible to have sex with a guy too soon and have it turn into a lasting relationship. But this is the exception, and it’s important to recognize that.
When you presume you’re the exception, you do a disservice to yourself. It’s in your best interest to act like you’re the rule, and be pleasantly surprised if things work out differently.
Having sex too soon and hoping it will lead to a commitment is trading short-term urges for long-term desires. When a guy acts on his biological urge and you perceive it as love, feelings of doubt and confusion will set in.
You may ask yourself “Did I do the right or wrong thing?” or “Where do I stand with this guy?”
If you like him a lot, you’ll behave and act in unflattering and desperate ways. Your self-esteem will take a hit because you’ll have compromised your values and integrity to get him to desire you on a deeper level. In hindsight, these will be some of your most cringe-worthy moments.
If you find yourself in this situation, it’s okay. The more important thing is to learn and grow from these experiences.
What You Can Do To Keep His Interest — Instead Of Having Sex Too Soon
Don’t let a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him early on. It doesn’t make him a bad guy if he wants to have sex with you — he is just being a guy, and many women let him get away with it.
Don’t be a woman who has sex with a guy thinking that physicality will keep his interest. Most men seek sex for the immediate physical gratification.
Here’s the good news: the beauty of being a woman is helping him see sex as more than a physical sensation. Set the pace by having sex only when you feel comfortable and ready.
Setting the pace isn’t about playing games. It’s about knowing what you want (i.e. a real relationship), then behaving and acting in ways that align with what you desire. If there’s a guy you’re interested in, let him woo you.
Related: 15 Ways He Says ‘I Love You’ (Without Actually Saying It)
Take the time to learn about each other. Discover what his values are, the kind of relationships he has with family and friends, how he views his job, life, and the world, why previous relationships haven’t worked out, etc.
Let him learn who you are, what you’re about, what you love and what’s most important to you.
If he wants to have sex before you’re ready, and the thought of being intimate with him appeals to you, you can acknowledge what he wants by saying something like, “I like who you are and want to continue to learn more about you.
If things keep going in this direction, I can definitely see us being intimate.” If a guy doesn’t stick around because you’re not having sex when he wants it, he is not the one for you.
A high quality man who really likes you will respect your wishes and wait for you.
The Ideal Time For Having Sex With A Guy
So when should you sleep with a guy? Aone-size-fits-all answer does not exist. However, here are signs that point to the ideal time for having sex with a potential partner.
- You connect on many levels
- You feel good about yourself when you’re around him
- You like who he is
- You respect him
- He treats you with respect
- He does what he says he’s going to do
- He’s not having sex with anyone else
- There are no exes or women from the past in the picture
- You both want the same kind of relationship
- He is the kind of man you could see being in a real relationship with
- Sex feels like the next natural progression
- If you have sex, despite what happens, you’ll have no regrets
Ultimately, having sex too soon rarely turns dates into a relationship. Send the right signals to guys you date by slowing things down until you learn you’re truly compatible. When the time is right, the sex you have will be meaningful and more fulfilling on multiple levels.