How to Cope With Becoming an Empty Nester

Becoming an empty nester when your kids move away can bring upon a lot of mixed feelings. Here, learn how to cope with this new stage of parenthood.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

When our kids are little, the idea of sending them out into the world without us seems surreal. And the idea that we won’t live under the same roof as them eventually? Totally unfathomable. Yet there comes a day when all of us become empty nesters—when our youngest child (or only child) flies the coop and goes off to college—or whatever grown-up adventure awaits them.

No one can fully prepare you for how you will feel when you become an empty nester, but for many of us, the experience is met with a mix of bittersweet emotions, some of which can be overwhelming. We connected with mental health experts to help us understand what parents typically go through when they become empty nesters, along with tips for how to cope.

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Common Emotions Felt by Empty Nesters

It’s normal to feel a strong mix of emotions when you first become an empty nester, says Eileen Anderson, EdD, director of education, bioethics and medical humanities, School of Medicine at Case Western Reserve University. “After spending 18 years investing in and interacting with your child, having them leave is a huge change,” she says. You may feel grief at losing affection from your child or experience a sense of loss, sadness, and/or disorientation.

“Raising a child in the U.S. today is a very demanding task on parental schedules regardless of whether the parents have a career or stay at home,” Dr. Anderson notes. Many parents spent years organizing their lives and routines around their children’s schedules. “When those routines are removed, parents have to reassess their values and habits to figure out the next phase of their lives,” Dr. Anderson describes.

The empty nest phase may cause us to question our identities and life purpose. “We may wonder who we are, and we may feel that we've lost a part of ourselves in the giving to our children,” says Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker, and mental health expert on JustAnswer. This may cause feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness and despair, Kelman adds.

But it’s not just gloom and doom: “It can also be a time of regrowth for ourselves as we look deeply to find ourselves again and to reignite passions, hobbies and relationships that may have existed prior to having children or that were put on the back burner as we cared for our kids,” Kelman points out.

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Tips for Dealing With the Feelings of Being an Empty Nester

If you are facing an empty nest and all the mixed emotions that can go along with it, you may be looking for some advice or words of wisdom. Here are some expert tips for coping with this life transition.

Take Stock of Your Life

Entering the empty nest phase is often an opportunity to think back on your life and start planning for the future. “It is useful for empty nesters to spend some reflective time taking stock of their values and what they want to accomplish and enjoy in the next part of their lives,” says Dr. Anderson. Many parents will choose to travel, either alone or with their partners. Others will think about what type of things to prioritize in this next phase, whether it be hobbies, relationships, or starting a new career.

Reflect on a Job Well Done

Before planning your next adventure, it can be helpful to reflect on the past 18+ years of your life as a parent. “This may sound silly, but take that deep breath and know that you have raised a wonderful child, and they are able to fly because of the love, care, patience, and guidance that you have given,” says Kelman. “Allowing yourself to feel those things can feel uplifting as you wind your way through some difficult emotions.”

Remember Your Hobbies

What did you do to relax and unwind in the “before times,” prior to having kids? Now is an opportunity to remember what those are, and consider whether you want to pursue them now.

“Some parents have been so busy with their children that they need to reflect back to the time before becoming a parent to remember hobbies, sports and activities they once loved,” says Dr. Anderson. You might want to join a community sports league, or you may want to start painting again. You may want to take up a new hobby, like gardening or joining a book club. The idea is that you can use this time to focus on you and what nourishes your soul.

Reconnect With Your Significant Other

If you have a partner, becoming an empty nester may be a time to reconnect with your significant other. “Create some spark and adventure and take that vacation that you have been putting off,” Kelman suggests. “If you are single when your child goes off to school, maybe it is time to get back out there and enjoy the company of others that may not have been possible as you were raising your kids.”

Prioritize Your Health and Well Being

Many people in this phase of life seize this moment as an opportunity to prioritize health and mental well being. Some may start going to the gym or joining a walking club, Dr. Anderson says. Many people also turn toward healthy eating and cooking new healthy recipes. Others start to prioritize sleep, something they were probably lacking for many years! “Now that most are more in control of their schedules, they can practice better sleep habits,” Dr. Anderson says.

Get Professional Support

It's important to note that you don’t have to go through this alone. Life transitions, like becoming an empty nester, can be ripe with difficult emotions. Don’t try to soldier through it, Kelman says. “Get the support of a professional if the sadness and depression lasts and you feel you are unable to partake in activities with enjoyment,” she recommends.

Reassess Where to Live

As you get older and don’t need as much space, it’s common to reassess your housing and where to live. You may want to downsize your home or move from a suburb to a city, Dr. Anderson offers. Others may want to move to a milder climate. It may be time to update your living space, Dr. Anderson says, or take care of home repairs that you’ve been putting off.

Pursue a New Career

Many people take this moment in life as an opportunity to pursue a second career, or even go back to school. “It is never too late to earn a degree or increase learning,” says Kelman. “Med school, law school, culinary school? Why not? Go for it.”

You may also want to consider volunteering and giving back to your community.  “If the pain of missing your kids is palpable, volunteer at a school and give back to the community in that way,” Kelman suggests. “It will keep you young, and show that you can still have an impact on the lives of children, even if they aren't yours.”

The Bottom Line

Becoming an empty nester may fill you with a rollercoaster of emotions, and that’s totally normal. Try to give yourself space to “feel the feels,” and know that whatever you are experiencing, you are not alone. Remember, too, that if you need further support, you should not be afraid to seek it. While feeling sadness and loss is normal, if it’s making it difficult for you to function, please reach out to a health care provider or a mental health professional.

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