How to Give Condolences and Show Up for Someone Who's Grieving
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Life constantly reminds us that none of us are in control. When we hear that someone we're close to has just lost a parent or experienced a devastating event, we’re often at a loss for how to give condolences to them. What can we say or do? A lot, actually. But it’s important to be both thoughtful about the words we use and timely in responding to their grief.
"Sometimes when someone is going through a crisis such as being diagnosed with cancer, going through a divorce, or experiencing a death in the family, friends don’t know what to say or do, so they say nothing at all," says Lesley Koeppel, a New York City-based psychotherapist. As awkward as it can be to find the right words to say in these situations, it’s important not to put off expressing your condolences — doing so could end up hurting your relationship.
Reaching out to express your sorrow in an empathetic way lets them know they're not alone, no matter how tough things are right now for them. Here’s what you need to know about how to give condolences in a kind and respectful way.
Acknowledge Their Hardship or Grief
When comforting someone who's dealing with loss, it's important to acknowledge their grief when expressing your condolences. "Let them know you're there for them, willing to listen without judgment or the intention to 'fix' their sorrow," says Asma Rehman, founder and director of the Grief Recovery Center in Houston, Texas.
Try to be as gentle and caring as possible, without putting any pressure on the griever to respond or react in any particular way. If you're at a loss for what to say in response to their news, Dr. Joseph Stern, neurosurgeon and author of the book Grief Connects Us, suggests phrases such as the following:
"I’m here to listen and help in any way I can."
"I wish I had the right words; just know that I care."
"I've been thinking about you, and you’re on my mind and in my prayers."
"My favorite memory of your loved one is …"
"Can I hug you?"
"May I just sit with you?"
You can change the wording as you feel is appropriate for the situation that the person is facing.
Even if you've given your condolences to the person upon immediately hearing the news, it's also a good idea to send them a sympathy card with a few short but meaningful sentiments or write them a longer condolence letter if you feel moved to do so. According to a 2020 University of Pennsylvania study, writing a condolence letter offers comfort and hope and makes people feel that they matter.
Continue Showing Up for Them
While there may be an outpour of support for someone in the aftermath of a loss or devastating life event, as time goes on and fewer people check in on them, they may feel alone in their grief. This is why it's so important to continue extending your support to them.
Your support can take many forms, such as preparing and dropping off meals for them, offering to watch their kids or pets so that they have some time to themselves, or inviting them out for activities that they've enjoyed doing in the past.
You don’t have to be physically present to extend your presence, either! Even if they’re not in the headspace to talk about their grief, it's OK to send texts, emails, or lighthearted notes, as long as you let them know that there's no pressure for them to respond right away. Sending them a care package of baked goods or self-care items can also be a kind gesture to let them know you're thinking about them.
Try to Avoid Clichés or Belittling Their Loss
We'd never want to intentionally cause our loved ones more pain when they're already going through a hard time. However, saying clichéd phrases like, "They're in a better place now" or "I know how you feel" can come off as flippant and hurtful.
"Refrain from comparing their grief to your own experiences or dictating how they should feel or for how long they should grieve," says Rehman. Even if someone means well by saying these things, it's not the time to give unsolicited advice or steer the focus toward themselves.
"The most appropriate thing to do for someone who has just lost a loved one is to be empathetic not sympathetic (i.e., pitying) towards them," says Amanda Levison, founder and lead counselor at the Neurofeedback and Counseling Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. "Express your sorrow for their loss and offer sincere, empathetic condolences," she adds.
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