Comey Accidentally Unleashes Kellyanne Conway

From ELLE

Like one of the monsters in A Quiet Place, Kellyanne Conway was roused from her thousand year slumber by the dulcet tones of James Comey's equivocation during a televised interview to promote his forthcoming book. She took off with a start through the mountains, texting every reporter in her phone with her open calendar slots.

Conway appeared on Good Morning America this morning to rebut the Comey interview with a barrage of snide remarks, double-talk, and-that high mark in mass communication-eye rolls. George Stephanopoulous was repeatedly forced to challenge Conway on blatant mistruths that are easily disproved. Which, at this point, is pretty much a pyrrhic victory. George is like "Actually, you're lying." And Kellyanne is like "You're the one who booked me, idiot. What did you expect, thoughtful introspection?"

Hilariously, Kellyanne Conway claimed that, contrary to his assertion, Comey "loved being alone in the Oval Office. He wanted the peace of it." What is she talking about? Anyone who has ever seen any movie or television show about the White House will tell you that the Oval Office does not bespeak peace. The only person who has ever enjoyed peace in the Oval Office is Kellyanne Conway, who apparently felt so comfortable she decided to throw her feet up on the sofa like she was binge-watching Designated Survivor in her den.

Peace! Can you believe?!

It's easy to pick apart every Kellyanne claim, of course, up to and including her opening statement: "I spoke with the president before the interview."

But that's the point, right? Kellyanne Conway, the First Fabulist, shows up as a half-time show; a diversion. It's odd that she's been trotted out to lead the response to James Comey, but it makes sense. You don't match someone who has tried to build a career on an adherence to a strict moral code with someone equally respectable; you match him with someone utterly devoid of principle so the cracks in his facade show up in higher relief. When you're dealing with Kellyanne Conway, the truth doesn't matter; it's all about who has more interesting lies.

Which is why it's perhaps most contentious that Conway claims that the former FBI Director tilted the election in Trump's favor. I'm no high school debate society president, but this doesn't seem like a winning position for the victor in that election to hold. It basically boils down to "this leaking liar improperly gave us the victory that we definitely earned fairly." Comey "swung an election," Conway said on GMA. "He thought the wrong person would win. People in his household wanted this person to win. And then at the end of his interview, he gave a political commercial." This from the woman who gleefully told people to buy Ivanka's products.

Later, when contacted by The Daily Beast, she said she was being "tongue-in-cheek." "I rolled my eyes and said ‘Really, this guy swung an election?’ It was sarcastic," she's quoted as saying, confirming the fact that everyone in this administration knows what sarcasm is. I'm saying that sarcastically. Or am I? I "totally" am.

Most strikingly, Conway ended her GMA interview with a full minute of uninterrupted wild monologuing, like a Sterling Gray piece as performed by Roxie Hart. The monologue, like an Olympic routine, hit all the complex combinations that the judges love to see: rapid-fire name-dropping, more shady redirections than a porn website, randomly shouting "Hillary Clinton." All the hits. But most impressively (or depressingly if you're, you know, a person with ears) is the truly bonkers thesis that sits in the middle of her soliloquy. When asked what Trump's opinion of the Comey interview was, Kellyanne Conway stated: “The president is very confounded that this person is always able to divert the spotlight to him... He was a very deft way of making things about him.” Which, wow, is actually an achievement. It's like an ouroboros of megalomania. Here is a woman who serve no discernible purpose other than showing up on television to say nonsense words like a guest star on Pee-Wee's Playhouse, describing the mental state of her boss, a man who puts his name in gold on every available surface and, lest you forget, is the president, claiming that James Comey, genial, problematic, gigantic author is always making things about him. Like, in the Making Things About Him Olympics, Comey isn't even on this particular podium. If anything, Comey gets a participation trophy in the Making Things About Him event, as well as in the Muddying the Narrative slalom. Better luck next time, Jim.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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