Comedian Nicole Byer Talks Dating Icks, the "Seemingly Ranch" Phenomenon, and Plane Woes

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Nicole Byer is very much a sauce girl. So much so that despite the many big-deal things she's got going on—two hit podcasts, a nationwide stand-up tour, a brand new swimwear line, we could keep going—the comedian took a beat to honor her love for condiments (as we all should, honestly and truly). This past week, she hosted American Express and Resy's NYC "Dip Into Gold" event, an immersive dining experience inspired by new research that shows 89 percent of Millennial and Gen-Zs agree that sauces elevate every meal. (The cold, hard, data that America needs.)

Ahead of the sauce fest, Cosmopolitan caught up with Nicole to chat about her stance on name-dropping herself, the hoopla over Taylor Swift's ranch dip decision, and her most (hilariously) disturbing experiences while traveling on tour.

I love dip as much as the next person, but I’ve got to know what drew you to this collab.

Who doesn't like a dip? Who doesn't like food? Who doesn't like American Express? I genuinely have an American Express Gold Card. So I just thought it was like a really fun event, where it's "dip forward." That's fun.

And it's the perfect timing. Because I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Taylor Swift “seemingly ranch” picture phenomenon that's happening right now....

Yeah, because people won't stop talking about her. It's not like I don't like her. She's not interesting to me, but she was dipping chicken nuggets in some ketchup and ranch?

And the people freaked out. The Empire State Building lit up in honor of it.

That's insane but so weird. She must feel weird every day.

It's not a natural level of famous to be.

I also didn't realize she was this popular! Everybody I knew went to her concert. And I was like, “Wait, what?”

I hear you're also a ranch fan. What are your most controversial sauce and food pairings?

Okay, people don't like this, but I love ranch and steak. I think it's delicious. I will literally put ranch on everything

What prompted you to try that combo in the first place?

You know when you eat dinner at home with your family or whatever, everything kind of goes on the same plate? I think I was having salad once and then the ranch dribbled over to the steak and then I was like, “Wait a minute...this is delightful and delicious.”

I used to go to this sandwich shop in the Upper West Side and they had the best ranch. One day I was raving about their ranch and I was like, “What is in this? Is it homemade? What is your recipe?” And then they took out this giant vat of Kraft ranch like, “It's nothing special.”

You know how sometimes when you drink sodas at different places it just translates differently? Maybe there's a similar thing going on there.

Maybe...but then I bought my own vat of ranch that was delightful, but I didn't realize it had an expiration date.

Oh, you didn't feel the effects of that?

No, I'm always eating. My friend was like “you need to look at expiration dates,” and I can't trust myself. So now I just have two normal-sized family bottles.

It's all about moderation sometimes, keeps us wanting more. Your podcast is all about dating, and dinner is a big date location. I would love to know a bit about your own dating preferences. What would be a major ick or “I'm blocking your number” moment on a dinner date?

I mean, I'm an ick! I eat with my fingers. And people don't like that. [laughs] They get so disgusted. But it's just the easiest. What's my major? I don't know if I have one. Maybe dirty fingernails, eating with dirty fingernails and grabbing bread with your nasty claws.

Since we're talking about Resy here today, I'm curious about whether you, Nicole Byer, would even need to use that. Have you ever flexed to your celeb status to book a dinner reservation? And if not, could you see yourself doing it ever?

No! That's so humiliating because if you go “Hi, I need a dinner reservation. I'm Nicole Byer.” The chances are, someone's just going to go, “Who?” And then you're like, “Oh no, I’ve gotta read you my IMDB.” You'll get humbled at every corner. I was with a friend, and they were trying to get in somewhere and were like, “Don't you know who I am?” and they were like, “No.” So I'll never do it.

What a warning moment for you. You never know, maybe you'll blow up to Taylor Swift-levels and you’ll have no choice but to name-drop.

No! Because there's somebody in the world who doesn't know who she is, and you might run into that person that day.

Like the video of Jennifer Lopez when she's walking by her childhood home?

Yes! Where she goes “I used to live here!” and they’re like, “Who are you?”

You're on a really killer nationwide stand-up tour right now. In your years of touring have you picked up any, like, survival tips that have come in handy?

Vodka! Vodka on the plane, vodka before the show. I’m kidding but like, not really. Sleep is important. Once you've been to a bunch of different places, a lot of cities are just the same, so pick one fun thing to do if you have time but then make sure you get sleep.

What about plane survival? What's your plane etiquette or ick, if we had to identify one for you?

When people take off their nasty off their little shoes and their toes are out! And they're going to the bathroom and just socks. That's actually sick and unhinged. It's nasty.

You've seen someone go to the bathroom on a plane with no shoes?

Yes, I fly a lot, so you see a lot of weird shit. I think it's weird that people don't wipe down their seats. You're there for like 4 hours, don’t you want to clean it? It's like a hotel. I spray everything with Lysol because they don't get a chance to clean everything.

The next time you get on a plane, wipe down your seat and look at the little thing, it's going to be dirty. They are nasty. I once found a piece of shit in a blanket! Planes are disgusting.

That's horrible. On the subject of your hustle though, since you're traveling all the time for work, I wanted to dive into this new swimwear line that you've got going on. I saw you mention it was something you've always wanted to do, and what inspired that dream for you?

Growing up, there were never really options for a fat child. As an adult, I went on a tour and we got stuck in Kansas from a snowstorm. Everyone was going to the pool, and I didn't have a bathing suit, and I went to Walmart and the only bathing suit in my size was a swim dress.

I remember being like, “Why was this the only option?” They're dumb! You get in the water and immediately you can see everything, they just float up. I wished there were more cool, cute options. I was like, “One day I'll get to do bathing suits.” And then I got to do it! I got to pick a bird print, and I have bananas that are leopard print because why not? It was just fun, and I'm so grateful and thankful that I got to do it.

Was there something unexpected about developing swimwear that you feel like people don't mention?

Oh my God, I didn't realize how much I'd have to try on! Like, I was the fit model because they were trying to really perfect the plus sizes. So then every couple weeks, I'd have to try out a bunch of stuff and take pictures. I don't love trying on clothes, I hate it. But other than that, easy breezy. They were so nice and I would get to look at samples and be like, “Oh, I think we should pump up the color here, or I think it should be like this.” I felt really heard.

My last question for you: Have you heard of this Roman Empire phenomenon where all these guys are saying they constantly think about the Roman Empire?

Okay, I've heard about it, but I didn't inspect it because I was like, that's stupid. Men are stupid, and I don't want to hear about what they think they're thinking about.

They are stupid. But I want to know what your personal Roman Empire is. Something that people would not expect Nicole Byer to be always pondering about?

I don't think I'm ever constantly thinking about any certain thing. I mean, I love ducks. Sometimes I'll think about ducks.

Oh my gosh, what about ducks?

They're just so cute, and maybe I'll have one one day. I think about animals a lot and how I could get one to live with me. I have a dog, but I also want a miniature pig or a bird. But also, I think about how I'm away for a week this week, and how I had to drop my dog off last night at my old roommate’s house. So do I need more animals? I don't know.

Maybe you can get exclusive travel for your mini pig.

That would be incredible. I just want to fly a private jet. I don't want to fly commercial anymore. That's not relatable.

I think it's very relatable. The next thing we have going on for you is a private jet and the confidence to name-drop yourself.

I promise you, I never will!

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