Having a Kid With a Tough Diagnosis Taught Me That My Husband Is a Coward
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m having a problem with feeling as if I don’t truly have a parenting partner. Anytime we have to do something even mildly negative for our daughter (3), my husband absolutely can’t do it. For example, she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes last year. Through all the poking, prodding, testing, and application of her glucose monitor, I have had to be the one holding her, and actively doing the sticking, as needed. He says he just can’t stand to be the one causing her pain, discomfort, or unhappiness. Which I can understand, because I would also prefer not to be that person, but instead I always have to be that person.
My daughter is starting to associate me with negative experiences too, which really breaks my heart. Because I usually replace her glucose monitor when she is sleeping, anytime she wakes up to see me near her, she will start yelling, “No, no, no, no!” At the doctor’s office, if I pick her up to put her on my lap, she knows some kind of hurt is coming. Afterward, she will run to my husband for hugs, and while I’m glad she has somewhere to get the comfort, I’m becoming resentful that I’m always the bad experience and he’s always the love after. He’s so good with her for the regular day-to-day stuff but can’t be any kind of support for me in hard times, which is really difficult for me. When I try talking to him about it, he says he knows he needs to work on it but that I just seem to handle the hard situations so much better than him, and nothing ends up changing. Thoughts on a better way to approach this? I want to be able to be the fun, comforting parent just as often as he is.
—The Bad Guy
Dear Bad,
Oh, your husband doesn’t want to do things your daughter doesn’t like? Tough shit! Tough shit, buddy! This is absolutely unacceptable. Letter-writer, you are totally justified in feeling as if you don’t have a parenting partner, because you don’t have a parenting partner. What you have is a guy who likes doing easy stuff and is afraid to do hard stuff. Well, guess what? There will continue to be hard stuff, all throughout your parenting lives, and he needs to nut up and do his share.
Arrgh! Man, do I want you to yell this in his face. But I recognize that this probably is not the smart way to go. Instead, sit him down and explain patiently that you understand he’s struggling with your child’s startling diagnosis but that he’s simply failing his wife and his child by being unwilling to take on the challenging tasks of parenting. Tell him that you simply cannot abide always being the bad guy and that he must change his ways. Offer to join him at family therapy if he feels that that might help him find the courage to do the things that every parent must do. Then, during that conversation, secure a commitment from him for the 50 percent of the doctor’s visits when he’s going to be the one to hold your daughter during her shot, and the 50 percent of the nights he’s going to change the glucose monitor—right down to putting those dates on the calendar.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
It is always wrong to criticize someone else’s parenting, right? Especially uninvited? I have a dear friend, “Dianne Wiest,” who is home-schooling her child, “Suzy.” Although I do not personally agree with home-schooling under most circumstances, I recognize that it’s not my place to put these views on anyone else. I have bitten my tongue whenever she has complained about the struggles she faces with it. However, I just had a third friend reach out with concerns about Dianne’s child. This friend is the kind of person who never says anything negative about anyone.
Suzy is incredibly immature, even for an elementary school–age child. Dianne says Suzy is doing well academically, but I am not clear what metric she is using to measure that. Our mutual friends (again, three of them!) have expressed that their own children find Suzy to be unpleasant to be around due to her extreme lack of social and conversational skills and her desperate need to be the center of attention at all times. My own children volunteered, after our last get-together, that they used to like Suzy but were happy that school was starting to make them too busy for playdates. Dianne and I have attempted to meet up while my children are in school, but Suzy is unable to entertain herself for any length of time to allow for conversation.
All this is to say: I agree home-schooling is not benefiting her child. Still, I shouldn’t say anything, right? If anyone else wants to speak up, that’s their prerogative, not my responsibility, right? I know they asked because we are closest, but I’m OK to keep declining, right?
—No Comment
Dear Comment,
Right.
OK, I’ll go on. It sounds to me like what Dianne needs is not someone to tell her that home-schooling is not working but a friend to listen to her and help her cope with a challenging child. (Is that child challenging because she’s being home-schooled? I doubt it.) The next time you’re with her and she’s complaining about her struggles, I urge you to un-bite your tongue—but not to then say “What do you expect? You’re home-schooling.” Offer your friend sympathy, ask questions, and help her think through possible solutions to those struggles. That’s what real friends do! They certainly do not go to the person they view as someone’s “closest” and cattily explain how annoying they find that someone’s child. Unlike those people, you can be an actual friend to Dianne, and I urge you to do so. If she asks your opinion, feel free to express the nicest, softest version of your concerns, and see where that conversation goes.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law lives nearby and loves our kids and loves to babysit. She’s also a competent babysitter, for the most part. I’m grateful for free child care and that our kids get to grow up with their grandmother as such an important part of their lives. It’s just that some of the things she says are really questionable. For example, she’ll keep commenting on how it’s a “shame” my 2-year-old needs glasses. (My daughter seems pretty happy that she can actually, you know, see!) Or she’ll observe that it’s strange that so many of my 4-year-old son’s closest friends are girls. I’ll tell my mother-in-law gently to please stop making such comments, and she’ll go on about how she’ll try but we can’t expect her to change much in her old age. My husband refuses to speak to her about this—he says these are minor comments compared with the great service she’s providing.
It feels minor, but I also know how minor comments can add up. Neither my son nor my daughter has obviously internalized anything as far as I can see, but I distinctly remember being 6, just a few years older, and hearing my grandmother go on about how it was disgraceful that I was reading instead of playing with dolls. I’m not entirely sure how to proceed from here. Do I just have to try to counterbalance?
—Concerned About the Commentary
Dear Concerned,
I think I speak for all of us whose grandfathers frequently uttered casual racial slurs when I say: Your mother-in-law’s comments are really not that bad. Heck, they’re not even close to as bad as your grandmother’s comments. In this case, your husband is right: You are getting free babysitting, and for that you must simply put up with some small amount of antiquated old-lady commentary.
Anyway, just remember: You and your husband are the people in your children’s lives who will most strongly influence their upbringing. Model the kindness and generosity you wish to see in your kids. And it never hurt a child to see adults politely disagreeing. The next time you hear your mother-in-law say something you think is a little silly, you have carte blanche to reply, “Well, I’m very glad that my little Gracefulleigh has glasses so she can see her grandmother’s beautiful face!”
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the godparent to my best friend’s two children, and I have wonderful, though different, relationships with each. Now both of my godchildren are grown with children of their own. My goddaughter and I chat, I send presents at holidays, and I visit when I’m in town. She chose her own friends as her son’s godparents. Her brother, however, lived with my husband and me after high school, continues to live nearby and visit regularly, and asked that my husband and I be godparents to his own two children.
While we really had money to chip in only for college textbooks for our original godchildren, now that we’re a little more financially secure, my husband and I would like to start a college savings account for our new godchildren. What about the child of my goddaughter? I would of course love to help him out as well, but my resources are finite. Where do my (and my husband’s) obligations lie with my goddaughter’s son who is not our godson? If we do set up accounts for all three kids, how do we divide the money between them (all are about the same age). If we don’t, how do we not offend my goddaughter?
—Just Want to Be Fair
Dear Fair,
You are overthinking this. You were asked to be the godparents of this young man’s children, so if you want to set up a college savings account for those kids, you should go right ahead. I don’t think his sister will be offended, and if she is, she will get over it. Her son’s life is no doubt full of wonderful adults who treat him fondly even though, just like you, they do not happen to be his godparents.
–Dan
My son is a thumb sucker—which isn’t the end of the world, except that he’s almost 12. Yes, we should have dealt with it earlier, yes to all the things we should have done instead of thinking he’d grow out of it (or peer pressure would end it). I sucked my fingers as a kid, and I’ve mostly tried to be sympathetic, but at some age I think it’s not unreasonable to have at least some concern. Thoughts? Guidance? He’s doing it at school, and a lot of adults have brought it to my attention. He’s just too old to do this and needs to find other coping mechanisms.
