What to Do When Your Child Stares at Someone With Disabilities
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My middle son has multiple disabilities. He can’t walk or talk and uses an intricate wheelchair with a harness and head prompts to remind him to sit upright. He looks different. And most kids are curious. They stare. They watch his movements and try to understand him. Sometimes, they point and ask their parents questions like “Why is he like that?” or “What’s wrong with him?” Being on the receiving end of constant staring is hard. It’s uncomfortable.
As a mom of three whose children also have questions about the different people they encounter, I know it can be difficult to respond appropriately. We’re all going about our days just trying to get from one place to another. But what is the right reaction in those moments? How can parents talk to their children about people who look different, so their child learns and the person with the disability feels seen but not uncomfortable? Is it the parent’s job to educate their child or is it the job of the person with the disability (or his caregiver) to educate the world? After speaking to experts, I've found these are the best strategies to use when you find yourselves in a similar situation.
Don't Pull Away
“Curiosity is a gift,” says Dr. Yvette Pegues, an education specialist and board member with The Arc of the United States who uses a wheelchair full-time. “It’s developmentally appropriate for children to want to understand difference.” She explains that children need to be allowed to be children and that apologizing or scolding them for their curiosity can potentially shut them down.
Sarah Kovac, Editor of Accessibility at Reviewed who has a disability herself, says, “The most unfortunate thing that can happen when a child notices me is to have an adult whisk the little one away or scold them for staring. The child is not learning politeness in that moment. They're learning to be afraid of disabled people.”
Instead, a better response is to teach children how to engage, Kovac says. “A parent with a child noticing a disability can do a great service to all involved by engaging with me, or allowing the child to,” she says. “I am not in the least offended by their questions. I've heard it all and have age-appropriate replies at the ready. If the kid is too nervous to approach a stranger, as I would have been, show them how to be brave and ask questions on their behalf. When they see me smile and talk and interact with another adult, they get the opportunity to see me as a human, just like them.”
Be a Role Model
“Just like any behavior we want our children to learn, one of the most effective ways to teach is to model that behavior ourselves, so the child gets a visual of what to do,” says Trish Allison, author of DEI Parent Guildebooks, How to Respond to Disability Curiosity from Kids. “The best things for parents to do in this situation is to take their child aside and explain, quietly, that the person has a body part — brain, leg, eyes, etc. — that works differently than ours. Other than that, they're just like you and me. Parents can tell their child it's okay to notice. They can smile, say hi, or wave, but try not to stare.”
Dr. Emily W. King, a child psychologist, says it can be hard even for adults, but the effort is worth it. “Pushing through your own discomfort in this moment as a parent, and coaching your child on understanding differences, is a form of breaking cycles of discrimination and exclusion,” she says. It’s easy to get caught off guard, but stumbling and then finding words to bridge a gap in misunderstanding can go a long way in creating connection.
We all want to be seen, valued and heard. Rather than shying away from questions you don’t have an answer to, admit that you don’t know, and be willing to learn more about someone who is different. “There is nothing inferior about a difference in functioning,” says Laura Phillips, Psy.D., APBdN, the senior director of the Child Mind Institute. “We don’t want to perpetuate an ableist society.”
Find Commonality
“As a parent, you may feel embarrassed that your child is staring. But don’t let that stop you from showing up in this crucial moment to teach kids about neurodiversity and inclusion,” Dr. King says. “Connect the moment to something familiar for your child. A parent can say ‘I see you’re noticing that little girl in a wheelchair. Some kids move around by walking and some use wheelchairs.’”
Aside from explaining why someone is different, parents can find a commonality so the child can relate to the person with disabilities. “Open the door for a respectful conversation,” says Melissa Hart, author of the book Daisy Woodworm Changes the World which has a main character based on her brother who has Down Syndrome. For example, if your child and a child with differences are in a social situation, you can try to bring up topics they might have in common to try to break the ice. “His favorite color is blue,” you can say of your child. “What’s yours?” Or “Have you caught the latest Marvel movie?” These are easy ways to open up conversation and find similarities rather than differences.
Read the Room
Once, when a child was staring at my son, the parent said to me, “You should use this as a teachable moment.” Back then, my kids were all under 6 years old and we were in a slippery locker room getting ready for swim lessons. I didn’t have the bandwidth to teach someone else’s child about disability in that moment.
But sometimes, I take it upon myself to give other children an opportunity to meet my son. For example, at a child’s birthday party, I modified the craft activity so my son could participate. I explained to the other kids that he loves to draw and to be included in the fun, but he needs help.
If your child is staring at someone with a disability and you’d like to find out more, Dr. Pegues suggests first asking, “I see my child is staring. I think she’s curious about you. Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?” Most people with disabilities are used to unwanted attention and will honestly answer if they can or want to share details about their disability or not. “If you get a ‘no’ from the individual, then have a personal conversation with that child in the privacy of your car or home,” says Dr. Pegues.
Start at Home
“I recommend exposing and educating your children to disability as early as possible, so when they encounter people like myself, they have basic knowledge and can ask questions with some understanding,” explains Christopher Groux, Senior Editor of Accessibility at Reviewed who has cerebral palsy. “I suggest reading books about people with disabilities such as What Happened to You? as well as other books by disabled authors specifically designed to teach younger audiences how to react to those with disabilities. It helps people like me feel comfortable in our own skin.” Many toy companies now make inclusive dolls and toys that can open up conversations at home, too.
But nothing beats real experience. In an ideal world, kids would have experience meeting different types of people, either through families, friends, schools or through volunteering. This would give them much more of an opportunity to find those commonalities.
“Modeling proper behavior, combined with the right guidance at home, will help children understand what to do the next time they see a disabled person,” says Allison. “Their child will know instinctively to wave, smile, or say hi on their own.”
Personally, I love when strangers say hello or acknowledge my son in a friendly way. It’s not easy to find ways to include him, and it makes our whole family feel more welcome. “The big-picture message parents need to convey,” Allison adds, “is that disabled people are human beings who deserve kindness and respect just like everyone else.”
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