I Challenged Myself to Make—and Not Break—Plans for a Full Month (and I'm Exhausted)

Does anyone else feel an overwhelming sense of relief when someone cancels plans on you? For me, it’s peak-glorious if it happens on a weeknight when I’d like to do nothing more than stick my nose in a book and retreat to the sofa. And there’s nothing worse than Monday night plans.

I'm a homebody and spend most of my time with my husband. Perhaps I can blame (some of) it on my profession, a writer, which sometimes feels like a fancy moniker for an introvert who prefers to spend time inside with a cat. There have been times—especially when on deadline—that I’ll go days without making plans, barely seeing the sunlight save to walk my dog. Or I’ll need to cancel plans to get a story done. Or I won't need to cancel plans, but I'll do it anyway.

Truth be told, that’s the exact reason I need to make more plans. Not just make them, but also make a point not to cancel them for any number of "good" reasons. So, I pitched this story to revamp my social life. Hello, weekday social life!

Making and keeping plans, I learned, are two very different things.

Art Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of Brain Briefs, tells me, “When you first make plans, you are not thinking about the social obligation that those plans create. As the date nears, though, the social factors become more prominent [and] that can lead to anxiety for some introverts, which may lead them to back out of plans that seemed like a perfectly good idea when they were first made.” This feels very true. I’m guilty of sending a group text post-Sunday Scaries—something along the lines of “Let’s all go OUT this weekend!”—and once that day rolls around, cursing the person who initiated this whole outing. (Me.)

The New York Times recently reported that we are living in the golden age of bailing. I concur. Of course, technology plays a big role in this. Markman says that the widespread use of texting and email means that we keep up with people without actually having to get face-to-face with them. There are multiple downsides to this, both of which play into my make-and-keep-plans challenge. “We have become used to engaging with people from a distance," says Markman. "That can actually create more anxiety in everyone when real face-to-face interactions come up. We are not as well-practiced in being live with other people anymore.” Problem 1: Texting makes actually seeing people IRL scarier. Problem 2? It also makes flaking on them easier. “Because you can be reasonably sure someone will get your text immediately, it feels easier to break a plan," Markman says. "You don't have to worry that someone will be waiting for you somewhere wondering where you are, because you can just send them a message to break a plan.” In other words, the "bail text" seems like an easy way out, but that doesn't mean I should take it. Noted.

Right away I noticed a pattern to my plan making: saying yes, instantly regretting it, then having a great time.

To be honest, this assignment was given at the worst possible time—Friday morning when all I wanted to plan on doing later was stay in with a glass of wine, my husband, and terrible TV. Instead, I found myself with an 8:30 dinner reservation. But you know what? I had a fantastic time, tried a new restaurant, and even though I was home late, I still had an entire Saturday for sleeping in.

I found myself making after work plans—everything from innocent “let’s catch up” happy hours to workout classes. TBH, I desperately wanted to cancel about 99 percent but didn’t—for the sake of journalism. The happy hours provided a much-needed post-day wind-down, but often resulted in next day hangover (hi, I’m old), and I spent most of the day (well, all actually every moment) dreading any workout. Lesson learned: I’m a morning exercise person that can’t fall asleep if I sweat it out in the evening hours.

But it wasn’t just after-work plans wearing me down. Like so many others in the workforce, I take a lot of meetings. And because I’m a freelance writer who works from home/on the sofa, it’s often in a coffee shop or restaurant. Usually I'd just rather not take the meeting, because I hate interrupting my day, but in my one month of planning and doing, I vowed to meet and show up. On day two of this experiment, an email popped up from a lovely publicist, “Wanna grab drinks to discuss next Tuesday?” I replied with “Sounds like a plan!” knowing full well that I had three episodes of Handmaid’s Tale to binge watch. But like my once-dreaded dinner, I left feeling excitement, and a project that that we discussed turned into an assignment. Plus, I loved the company. Don't tell my cat, but humans are better conversationalists.

The last week included a Monday night ladies’ fantasy football draft and a girls’ night that included dinner (yes!) and dancing (ummm). Even more tiring is that the band we were seeing didn’t actually start playing until 11 P.M. and I’m not in college anymore. But I didn’t cancel and had (surprise!) the best time with my girlfriends.

After a full month of Monday nights out, late-night dinners, and actual face-to-face meetings, I felt totally exhausted but also incredibly fulfilled.

By the end of my experiment, I was totally exhausted, my body felt pickled but maybe more toned from the excessive exercise plans, and I had not seen my husband in nearly a month. I almost missed a deadline (which has never once happened in my decade-long career) because I was so overscheduled. Is this what celebrities feel like?

I realized that I completely valued my chill-out time, but loved the socialization—and it’s all about balance. Markman says that we live in a world where we overschedule ourselves and it’s not good to take on too many commitments. “Downtime has several benefits: It allows people to recharge emotionally, it provides opportunities to think about how to create solutions to difficult problems, and it gives people a chance for self-reflection.”

I’ve vowed to make and—most importantly—keep my plans but to allow the much-needed nights for staying in, which is important for self-care and recharging.

He suggested moving forward that I keep a calendar to get a sense of my social commitments. “If your calendar is a solid block of meetings and social interactions, it is time to start blocking out time to be alone.  It is quite reasonable to protect alone time and by doing that, you may be less likely to break plans with others.”

Anyone wanna go out Friday night?

Anne Roderique-Jones is a freelance writer and editor whose work has appeared in Vogue, Marie Claire, Southern Living, Town & Country, and Condé Nast Traveler. Twitter: @AnnieMarie_ Instagram: @AnnieMarie_

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