The CDC Has a Shockingly Robust Vocabulary for Facial Hairstyles

The coronavirus has gotten steadily more terrifying over the past week or so, with outbreaks in Italy and Iran shattering the idea that the disease could remain somewhat contained. An official at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has said that it's not so much a matter of if, but when (and how badly), the virus will spread in the United States. So let's take some levity where we can find it: this insanely comprehensive diagram of facial hairstyles from the CDC.

This comes from guidance about proper use of a facepiece respirator—a surgical mask. We've gotta say here that the agency does not recommend using respirators against cornonavirus unless you are already infected or your job specifically calls for it. And contrary to how some have interpreted this graphic, shaving your beard will not protect you from coronavirus.

Anyway, back to this amazing diagram. The overall point is that if you're wearing a surgical mask, your facial hair shouldn't cross the seal with your face. Mustaches and sideburns are fine if they stay on one side of the mask or another, but any hair that crosses the seal, even stubble, is not OK. (This means all beards are verboten.) You might think you could...just stop there. But clearly someone at our nation's foremost public health institute wanted to flex their beard knowledge.

If your facial hair vocabulary is lacking, allow the CDC to school you.

They've got a beard named for a rock god:

One named for an Italian opera composer:

Another named for (yikes) a fascist Italian aviator:

Also yikes is the, uh, "toothbrush":

But there's even an accurate distinction between a goatee and a circle beard:

Again: unless you wear one at work, you do not need to wear a surgical mask to fight coronavirus. So if you are not a doctor, maybe grab some extra canned beans next time you're at the store, but don't shave that chin curtain! (That's a CDC-approved technical term.)

Originally Appeared on GQ