The Cats of Cats Ranked By How Much They Scare Me
After a four month wait, the second Cats trailer has finally arrived to drag everyone out of our tranquil lives and terrify us once again. Is this movie even real? I’m still not sure. It’s like a car crash: it’s so awful, but good luck looking away.
The musical comes from the sinister mind of Andrew Lloyd Webber, and is being brought to life by The King’s Speech director Tom Hooper. The story, inspired by T.S. Eliot’s cat poetry (really), centers around Jellicle Ball where one deserving cat will be chosen to ascend from this mortal realm to a higher plane, which sounds like cult propaganda to me!
The upcoming movie musical forgoes the cat costumes and make-up for much-talked about digital fur technology which… kind of makes them look like cats? But then everyone in the cats, I mean, cast has human hands and noses. It’s just disturbing. They are all objectively scary, but some induce more terror than others. Like how spiders aren’t as scary as cats with boobs. Determining which cat-human hybrid was the most frightening was still a challenge, however, because they will all equally haunt me forever.
10. Victoria (Francesca Hayward)
This white feline, played by ballerina Francesca Hayward, looks innocent and non-threatening, but I don’t trust cats and I know she’ll bite me if wants to—as we all know, cats have no moral compass.
9. Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo)
From my limited knowledge of Cats the musical, Rum Tum Tugger is the cat who fucks. According to the trailer, he also yells things like “MIIIIILK” and “LET’S DANCE” which I presume is just cat for “JASON DERUULOOO.”
8. Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench)
Judi Dench inexplicably wears a fur coat which I assume was made from skinning her enemies. She’s a bad bitch not to be messed with.
7. Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson)
Do you remember when “I Dreamed A Dream” was stuck in everyone’s heads when we pretended Les Miserables was good for a while? Think about that, but with “Memory”.
6. Bombalurina (Taylor Swift)
If we’re going for cat realism, she should have eight boobs.
5. Gus The Theatre Cat (Ian McKellan)
A theatre cat? Run away now.
4. Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson)
This is the demon I see in the corner of my bedroom when I have sleep paralysis.
3. Macavity (Idris Elba)
Idris Elba with a cat body just looks so wrong. But when this movie comes out, there will be hoards of people are going to come out as furries and admit that they want to bang feline Idris Elba..
2. That shot with dozens of cats gathered together
Please… I can only take CGI cats in small doses.
1. Bustopher Jones (James Corden)
When I was a kid, I always had a sleepovers at my best friend’s house, and at one of these sleepovers, I woke up to one of her cats standing on my chest, a set of glowing eyes staring at me in darkness. This traumatic event would be the cause of my trepidation around cats at night. Anyway, if one of the Cats cats did this to me, the one played by James Corden would obviously be the one who would terrorize me.
Originally Appeared on GQ
