The Case for Koozies

In the era when you can waste hours watching minimalists clean out their closets on YouTube, a foam sleeve designed to enrobe your LaCroix feels like the ultimate non-necessity. You're supposed to have a capsule wardrobe, not a separate wardrobe for your beverages.

And yet, I'm here to make a case for the koozie.

In 2019 all of our objects must be precious, well-designed, and hand-selected by monks in Scandinavia. The koozie is distinctly not this. It's made of foam that is not of the natural world. And there's a randomness with which it enters your life. Few people intentionally buy koozies; rather, the koozies accumulate in your drawers, keepsakes from that charity 5K you did (once), and that dog walk-a-thon that was sponsored by Vitamin Water.

But koozies, in all their synthetic glory, should be purchased intentionally. Here's why.

Koozies Keep Things Cold...and Warm!

Koozies perform a great function, and they perform it well: they keep your drink cold. Like the styrofoam cups of yore that are now taking millions of years to decompose in landfills, these weird synthetic things have magical abilities to keep your drink chilly as heck for hours on end.

I'm no beverage cooling scientist, but imagine how validated I felt when a little Internet research landed me on an actual scientific study from the University of Washington that proves the efficacy of the koozie. First, researchers discovered that relative humidity factors more into to the heating up of a cold beverage than overall temperature: Humidity contributes to latent heat that's produced when condensation forms on the outside of a can. Koozies, they found, keep a drink cold not only because they insulate it from heat, but also because they prevent moisture (and thus latent heat) from gathering on the outside of the can.

What's that? You're not as passionate about cold drinks as I am? You may still want to invest in koozies anyway. Because the beauty of the koozie is that while it keeps your drink cold, it also keeps your hands warm.

Koozies Are Coasters That Your Drinks Wear

I would have never thought of using coasters inside, until I met my friends Adam and Liz, who hand you a koozie with your beer or LaCroix every time they have you over for dinner.

This is partially because they are genuinely kind people who care about you, your well-being, and the supreme chill of your drink. But it's also because they are meticulous house keepers who have a deathly fear of drink rings on their stylish furniture.

Which is another benefit of koozies: they are like a coaster that you can carry around with you. You don't have to trust your friends to pull one from the stack on your coffee table when they're at your house. Simply slip a koozie on the drink as soon as you hand it to them, and they're all set, even if, like Adam and Liz, you keep irresponsible company (me) who hold little regard for your furniture's well-being.

Koozies Are A Vibe

Just to be an infuriating representation of my Millennial generation, I'll say that part of the appeal of koozies for me is their retro vibe. (Is it still cool to say "vibe"? Millennials are old now, so I have no idea.) Koozies remind me of wearing neon pink and green wayfarers, and of floating in the disgusting waters of our family lake house with beers. That is to say, they remind me of vacation and of my youth. And if an object can do all that, maybe it deserves to clutter your home. Take that and put it in your koozie, Kondo.

Originally Appeared on Epicurious