Do You Carry the Mental Load in Your Relationship? Here’s How to Balance It Out
Picture this: You and your partner are throwing a party, and you’ve agreed to split the responsibilities fifty-fifty. The day before, their job is to go to the store while you clean. Even split, right?
But while they’re at the store, you get a text: How many people are we having? You check the RSVP list, and that’s when you see a couple of “maybes” and call those friends for clarification. Ten minutes later, another message comes in: Do we have paprika? You look in the cupboard and reply. While doing so, you realize you’re out of pepper, so you text to add that to the list. Then you reorganize the spice cabinet. Your phone dings: How about shrimp as an appetizer? You rack your brain for any seafood allergies, then check the fridge for cocktail sauce. Ding: How much chicken will each person eat? Ding: Drumsticks or thighs? Ding: What did we decide for dessert? By the time your partner gets back, groceries in hand, the place is only half cleaned. "What have you been doing this whole time?" they ask. Sound familiar?
The mental load imbalance
The truth is, even in relationships where chores are split pretty fairly, one person often holds more of the mental load or the cognitive labor. This person acts as manager of the household—delegating, explaining, anticipating needs, and keeping a silent eye on their partner to monitor tasks until they’re completed. In heterosexual relationships, this thinking work often falls on the female partner. In fact, studies show that women spend over 50% more hours per day on housework than their male counterparts do!
The work is often invisible—checking off to-do lists that exist only in our heads, or keeping everyone on track with worries never being spoken out loud—which means it often goes unnoticed and unacknowledged. Even when this person is at an office miles away, they’re always keeping one eye on what needs to get done. The result: fatigue, exhaustion, burnout, increased conflict, and resentment. It makes sense that nine out of 10 mothers indicate that the mental-load aspect of their responsibility causes stress in their relationships.
How to share the mental burden
If you’re thinking, Not in my relationship; we’re totally equal, ask your partner if their perception is the same. They may be holding more than you think. If so, a good way to start to even the playing field is to ask your partner if they’d be willing to create an actual list with you (instead of relying on the list in their head), then challenge yourself to check it and step up regularly. And when you look at the list, try to think broadly about all the moving parts involved in getting tasks done.
If you’re the manager, you can help shift things as well. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind to see that you’re exhausted or doing too much. Have an honest conversation about whether they’d be willing to take on the manager role for some items on the list.
Once something has been delegated, take it off your list and practice the very hard skill of stepping back—and fight the urge to just do it yourself if you see them slacking. This may mean having a heck of a lot of patience as you wait for your partner to notice things in their own time. Meanwhile, practice being kind and compassionate toward yourself! Remember that doing just enough or leaving some things for tomorrow is OK.
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