26 Of The Absolute Funniest Tweets By Parents This Week

Found a measuring tape in my teens bathroom this morning. I'm gonna pretend I didn't.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 7, 2023

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 11, 2023

I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.This is in zero parenting manuals.

— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023

This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023

If you’re thinking of having kids just know my daughter was sobbing inconsolably the other night because she realized she can never be half dog/half human

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 12, 2023

My son offered his sister a bite of his strawberry donut, which she accepted and then did not offer him a bite of her chocolate donut, and now he has spent the last hour muttering about scams.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 7, 2023

not being a monster i threw said shoe back, to an equally quiet but far less devastated: oh! my shoe!

— Laura Elliott (@TinyWriterLaura) October 11, 2023

My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying “mmmm it’s so good.”She said, “You didn’t take it out the box” pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP

— Voldemort (@ib_2cute) October 8, 2023

It’s amazing to me that with no training kids can naturally cough with maximum germ sprayage

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 11, 2023

My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, “Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when they’re grown up,” and that about sums up being married with kids.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 12, 2023

I have a student w a hearing aid & I wear this thing around my neck so that he can hear me talking in his ear. Y’all why I forgot to mute it & I walked outside the class to cuss my man out…. I came back in & the student said “Ms. Figueroa are you okay?” 😭

— miss thang (@lolschey) October 11, 2023

My 9yo on Shark Tank:“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 8, 2023

i was watching monsters inc with my niece and I was like “just wait for the bloopers they’re so funny” and then we watched to the end of the credits and… there were no bloopers. disney+… you have made a fool of me for the last time

— Shannon (@becomingcry) October 12, 2023

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 11, 2023

Today a kindergartener walking in a line told me, "Good job drinking water!" when he saw me drink water. The line kept moving and every kid after him echoed a similar comment."It's healthy to drink water!""It's important to stay high-dated!"And so on.

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) October 12, 2023

Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”

— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023

gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, butt she’s clearly not listening.

— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) October 11, 2023

My son has a zombie mask for Halloween but also would like me to paint his face like a zombie so that when he takes off the mask people are like, “whoa an actual zombie.” Oh also my son is afraid of zombies and doesn’t want to look in the mirror or take pictures on Halloween.

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) October 7, 2023

Must’ve missed that part in the parenting book that said you’d be digging through last night’s trash for your son’s retainer.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 12, 2023

Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things she’s called me about:-saw a cool bug-made up a new song-can we have ribs for dinner-how do you spell suspicious

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2023

like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo’s books as “the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose” and she died laughing and was like no it’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes “remember you made a mistake and said baby moose” like can i live

— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023

When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids won’t answer my parents’ questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents can’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 12, 2023

Kids: Can we have cake for breakfast? Wife: Absolutely not. Kids: Then why is HE eating cake for breakfast? Me [mouth full of cake]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 12, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.3yo: Why would someone want that?I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

My friend and I discussing what seafood we like: Me: I don't like lobster or crabMy 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like...starfish.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 12, 2023

I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.

— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023