I Cannot Overstate How Hysterical These 27 Tweets By Women Are

As a millennial, I have about 1-2 more “unprecedented times” in me before I move into a pineapple under the sea

— Keeks 🦋 (@DietCoke_Esq) October 10, 2023

I don’t know why I have a headache??? all I do is look at screens much of the day then go out in the sun for hours then grind my teeth all night

— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 8, 2023

I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.This is in zero parenting manuals.

— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023

Guys I love my husband, but I asked him to find me a chocolate covered crisp rice treat - like a crunch bar - and the man returned with lightly salted rice cakes and suggested I melt chocolate chips on them

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 9, 2023

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) October 12, 2023

Me, lying in bed, staring at the basket of unfolded laundry that I washed on MONDAY pic.twitter.com/zWXdpbpSYi

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 13, 2023

Applying for state health insurance is so funny. I had to upload my bank information and they sent me a notice asking me if there was actually only $85 in my savings account

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) October 10, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.3yo: Why would someone want that?I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

I have a student w a hearing aid & I wear this thing around my neck so that he can hear me talking in his ear. Y’all why I forgot to mute it & I walked outside the class to cuss my man out…. I came back in & the student said “Ms. Figueroa are you okay?” 😭

— miss thang (@lolschey) October 11, 2023

Amtrak guy scanned my ticket and I said “how are you” and his response was “only 23 years until retirement”

— rachel (@rachelmillman) October 11, 2023

(girl who just turned 24 voice) i just think your early 20s are for making mistakes & being a bit crazy. and your mid-20s are where you start getting it all together 😊

— roro, PhD (@fuglibetty) October 12, 2023

What is this, a neoliberalism simulator? pic.twitter.com/WIGmp1WgEs

— DreamLeaf 🌻 (@DreamLeaf5) October 12, 2023

Thinking about how I got my own blood drawn in case I needed it for a transfusion in advance of major surgery, and they didn’t use it so I asked for it back, and the hospital paused before being like, “We don’t do blood doping here.”

— Cora Harrington (@lingerie_addict) October 11, 2023

i was watching monsters inc with my niece and I was like “just wait for the bloopers they’re so funny” and then we watched to the end of the credits and… there were no bloopers. disney+… you have made a fool of me for the last time

— Shannon (@becomingcry) October 12, 2023

like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo’s books as “the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose” and she died laughing and was like no it’s a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes “remember you made a mistake and said baby moose” like can i live

— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023

the frasier reboot is avengers: endgame for bisexual women who mostly date men who hate them 👼

— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) October 11, 2023

not being a monster i threw said shoe back, to an equally quiet but far less devastated: oh! my shoe!

— Laura Elliott (@TinyWriterLaura) October 11, 2023

I ate a sharp chip and you’re laughing. I ate a too sharp chip and hurt the roof of my mouth and you’re laughing

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 9, 2023

every heartbreakingly beautiful girl who deserves the world is dating a guy who looks like this pic.twitter.com/NrL3LhFsaw

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 10, 2023

it’s not that i don’t want to go to your event, it’s just that i reaaaallly don’t want to go to your event

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 7, 2023

My friend and I discussing what seafood we like: Me: I don't like lobster or crabMy 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like...starfish.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 12, 2023

some bars should be 25+ where the music is quieter so I can actually hear my friends

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 11, 2023

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 10, 2023

Right now my wildest bedroom fantasy is to have a fitted sheet that stays taut

— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 12, 2023

Last week a patron came into the library and checked out an air fryer. She asked if we had somewhere to use it and we said no. So she took it into the bathroom and COOKED A SALMON in it

— Jez (she/her) (@typesetjez) October 10, 2023

Duolingo keeps trying to teach me how to say “I’m from Philadelphia” in Italian

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 10, 2023

Men’s love language is telling you facts you already know

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) October 11, 2023

Girls will suffer unearthly tragedies and still run errands the same day with a smile on their face but if a man’s parents divorce when he is 12 he will unleash his wrath on the world for the rest of his life

— Soup (@soupinthering) October 9, 2023