'I cannot have lost my son for nothing': Films share stories of those left behind by suicides

Danny Sanchez was mourning the loss of his wife Mary Yahara, who took her own life in 2020. He began attending a bereavement support group at Stephy’s Place, a nonprofit haven in Red Bank for people who are grieving.

There he encountered Bob Moore, a Fair Haven resident whose son Jack Moore died by suicide in 2016. Bob was nearing the end of his time at Stephy’s Place, and his resolve to “find a way forward” made a memorable impression.

“How he was honoring his son in his grief and how he was choosing to live, this was helpful to me, listening to him,” Sanchez said. “Listening to all these other stories in these meetings was helpful to all of us. You felt less alone in the world.”

That inspired an idea by Sanchez, a photographer who lives in Red Bank.

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“I thought: Let’s tell one these stories in a cinematic form,” he said.

He enlisted the help of John Decker, a filmmaker in Asbury Park. Bob Moore and his wife Christine Moore agreed to tell their story, with the help of Stephy’s Place bereavement specialist Kevin Keelan. The resulting documentary, titled “Life After Loss: A Parent's Perspective on Losing a Child to Suicide,” convinced them to take the initiative a big step further.

“We quicky realized, we should make more of these,” Decker said.

So they formed a nonprofit named in Mary Yahara’s honor, “Mary’s Garden Media,” to fund the production of more films. On Tuesday they will introduce the charity and screen “Life After Loss” at The Vogel, a concert hall on the campus of the Count Basie Center for the Arts in Red Bank, at a launch event that runs from 6 to 9 p.m. and is open to the public.

“I’m hoping this will inspire somebody else to tell their story and make a difference in somebody else’s life,” Christine Moore said. “I say in the documentary and I say all the time: ‘I cannot have lost my son for nothing. Something good has to come from this.’”

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'We don't talk about grief enough'

When he first started attending Stephy’s Place, Bob Moore remembers a fellow participant lamenting that the pain “is not going to get any better.”

Bob didn’t want to believe that.

“I raised my hand and said, ‘I’m counting on it getting better,’” he recalled.

Keelan, who was facilitating the group, then offered wise words to both of them.

“That’s why you made the choice to be here,” he said.

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Jack Moore was a year removed from graduating Rumson-Fair Haven High School when he died. He was 19.

“Grief comes as a result of love,” Christine Moore said. “You have to be able to have sadness about that because you lost it, but you also have to be able to embrace that you had the love. Societally, we don’t talk about grief enough because it’s hard, it’s messy.”

There has been progress on this front since 2016. The Freehold-based Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, which was founded in 2005, developed a free online course on best practices that has reached hundreds of thousands of educators throughout the country.

“There’s toolkit for this,” Bob Moore said. “If your child comes to you with struggles, here are the things you can do, the steps you can take. I didn’t know any of that.”

In 2018 students from Red Bank Regional, Rumson-Fair Haven and Red Bank Catholic high schools founded the Ridge Road Run, a 5K to raise money for mental health and suicide awareness programs. Jack Moore's death was one of the catalysts. The 2024 edition took place May 5; the entire Moore family attended.

“We’re really lucky to live in a community where people care so much,” Christine Moore said.

Still, there is much work to be done. Christine Moore would like to see mental health checkups become an annual staple for kids, like visiting the dentist and getting a physical before the school year begins. Bob Moore suggests making suicide prevention part of schools’ curriculum.

“This is the time in peoples’ lives when they need to be made aware of this, and talk about it,” he said.

“Life After Loss” is their way of moving this ball forward.

“I said to my son the day before he died, as he was talking about his struggles: ‘Buddy, a lot of people feel the way you feel,’ and he said, ‘Well, why doesn’t anybody talk about it?'” Christine Moore said. “So I’ve made the commitment: We are going to talk about it.”

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Spreading the word

As the filming of “Life After Loss” progressed, Decker came to a realization.

“When we did the interview with Bob and Christine, it was so powerful all on its own,” he said. “I felt the best thing I could do was get out of the way.”

The interview-driven documentary caught the attention of the YMCA of Greater Monmouth County — “they have a mental health program, and this aligned with a lot of the work they were doing,” Decker said — and plans for more documentaries formed.

“Danny would say there’s just not enough out there to help people who have experienced suicide loss,” Decker said. “We realized, there’s not a Stephy’s Place in every community. We think of this as a virtual extension of Stephy’s Place that could really have reach.”

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Christine Moore agrees. She did not attend a grieving support group, instead seeking out podcasts and other self-help materials.

“Any time you can get a message out in a format that people can access on their own terms, it’s a great thing,” she said. “Face-to-face isn’t for everyone. It wasn’t for me.

“They’re going to make a big difference.”

A second documentary already has been produced. It will be released on Mary’s Garden Media’s YouTube channel soon.

“We hope all of this helps decrease the stigma this subject has, because it’s out there,” Sanchez said.

When writing Mary’s obituary in 2020, “I mentioned she took her own life and I got a little bit of static about that” from someone he knew, Sanchez said.

After a discussion about it, the critic “did a 180,” he said.

“Life After Loss” and Mary’s Garden Media aim to take that conversation to a broad audience.

“People just need to know,” Sanchez said. “We’re all educating ourselves with this subject, with this world of grief and loss.”

For more information on Mary’s Garden Media, visit www.marysgardenmedia.org or call 732-440-9914.

For more information on Stephy’s Place, visit www.stephysplace.org/sp, call 732-797-9739 or email stephysplace15@gmail.com.

For more information on The Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, visit www.sptsusa.org or call (732) 410-7900.

Jerry Carino is community columnist for the Asbury Park Press, focusing on the Jersey Shore’s interesting people, inspiring stories and pressing issues. Contact him at jcarino@gannettnj.com.

This article originally appeared on Asbury Park Press: Films help those left behind after suicides learn to cope